To miss out inviting a child to a party by accident

[MorningBrew]

Ok. So my dc(5) walked out of school convinced that he's is going to a birthday party today. The birthday girl has told him all about it and he's v excited.

We don't have an invitation though.
I already knew it's happening. But thought it's not a whole class one.
(It's a hall hire party. They are 26 kids overall in the class, if relevant.)

If the mum is only inviting a small group - absolutely fine! But I am genuinely sat here thinking what if she invited the whole class but somehow we didn't get the invite. How likely is this?
Dc was home for two days with sickness two was ago.

I'm worried that may be mum thinks she invited us and we didn't acknowledge at all. So that's one thing.
And the other is obvs dc - do I just tell him bluntly that we don't have an invite or do I not saying anything. I can imagine him being a bit upset with the girl tomorrow if the kids talk about it and dc going 'but you didn't invite me!'.

I know I'm overthinking. Lol. It's all new to me!

I’d try and message the Mum. I had this but the other way round when DD was in year 1. Invited whole class to a big hall party, invites given out at school and one girl didn’t come and never heard anything from parents. Didn’t think to put anything in a group chat etc. Felt terrible when DD came home day after saying “Emily says she wasn’t invited to my party” - no idea what happened to invite as everyone else got it.

If it’s a hall party with a class of 26 at that age odds on he’s invited and it is a bit awkward to ask but if you phrase a message along the lines “DS thinks he’s invited to X’s party. Please don’t worry at all if not but I wanted to check in case I’ve missed it and you thought I’d been rude not rsvp ing”

It was very awkward to reply that her child wasn’t invited.

Her child never had a birthday party but seemed to be at them all. I presume she did the same every time her child told her he hadn’t received an invitation.

It’s very very awkward to say it was anything other than an oversight.

Yes I can see that would be tricky! Still think on balance in this situation it’s better to ask, although note party is today and OP probably doesn’t have a number so it’s all a bit academic.

Ach, why put a wee one in this position? Sort it out with the other mum and spare his feelings. Plus the other child seems to be saying he is invited. Children are not reliable sources.

You just say "No, it's only a small party for a handful of DS's closest friends this year, not a whole-class thing."

I mean, I'd maybe have felt a bit bad about it if they didn't repeatedly pull the same CF schtick, but in the situation you describe, no hesitation.

Just ask

It wasn’t a few closest friends. It was half the class and her kid was not in the half invited.

They are CF to ask and put another parent in the awkward position of either saying no your child isn’t invited or say it was an oversight and how lucky they asked!

Just message and ask the mum. Make it clear that you don't mind either way but you don't want to accidentally ignore an invitation if your DS was invited.

It's not CF to ask 🙄. It's absurd that grown adults should lack the social skills to gently say "sorry X is not invited this time as its just girls/a small group". This may come as a relief to the parents anyway... with 30 kids in the class, most parents won't want to spend weekend after weekend taking their children to parties anyway!! They may be grateful to sit a few out and have a free weekend.

Absurd.Lack social skills. ‘Gently’ inform the other parent that her darling isn’t popular.

Yes it is being a CF to ask if you/your child is invited. You sound exactly the type of parent who will ask why your little Jayden isn’t the lead in the school play 🤣

Thanks for all the replies!

The party was today. If 'thank you' messages/ photos pop up in the chat group I'll know it was a whole class thing and will try and speak to to the mum so she doesn't think I was being rude.

I actually agree with a pp that it is more likely dc didn't make the numbers and the little girl wasn't aware/ forgot about it.

Dc said he was sad he's not at the party. I said I'd be sad too; parties are expensive and not all children can go to all the parties. (I do hope it's not talked about too much tomorrow at school.)

I would be delighted for my child not to be in the school play if it meant I didn't have to attend it, actually 😄. No taking time off/organising childcare for other child etc.

But then, I don't view standing around in drafty church halls and overcrowded soft plays as being a particularly pleasant way to spend my weekends, especially with a small baby to sort childcare for. I do it for my older DC because they love parties and have a great time, but I'm sure I'm not alone in it not being my favourite way to spend a weekend.

If I were to make a personal remark, you sound like the sort of parent who thinks your DC's party is such a wonderful event that all their classmates (and parents) are dying to come and would be devastated not to receive an invite 😂.

Dc said he was sad he's not at the party. I said I'd be sad too; parties are expensive and not all children can go to all the parties. (I do hope it's not talked about too much tomorrow at school.)

It is hard for the kids not invited. I started off doing all class parties. They cost hundreds. Then realised DC1 wasn’t being invited to many parties - perhaps two during the year if lucky but frequently came home upset that the class had been chatting about it in the lead up to it and afterwards too. I continued doing the whole class parties for awhile because DC1 was quiet and didn’t have a specific friendship group to ask for a smaller party. In the end DC1 stopped having parties by choice.

With DC2 I had toughened up enough to make a budget and stuck to it. Half the class were invited only. There were no politics involved. Invitations were sent to those who had invited DC2 to their parties and the remainder were chosen by DC2.

Goldbar What a shame you made your silly remark a minute before I posted the reasons for my attitude to kid’s parties.

Never mind I’m sure it’s not the first silly remark you’ve made. 🤣🤣🤣

@Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit . I'm just amazed that you think it's being CF for parents to clarify whether their child is invited to a party or not... that strikes me as incredibly silly.

Invites get forgotten, not handed out, left in bags...I had to follow up with almost half of the parents at my DC's last party who hadn't received them.

Parties are usually a hassle both to throw and attend. I find it bizarre that you would automatically think that a parent checking whether an invite had been given was trying to wangle an invitation for their child rather than, you know... just checking.

Then you say "No, we're only inviting around half the class" or whatever's actually the case.

I mean, sure, if you intimidated by the idea of telling someone that their child wasn't invited then I can see why you'd think it's always CF for someone to check - personally I've had more of the opposite problem (invitations going astray and parents only finding out later that their DC was invited) so that I'd much rather a parent checks with me if they're unsure. Although mine are all past the age for parties now so it's largely academic.

This has happened a few times over the years. I just tell them we haven’t had an invite and they aren’t invited.
A couple of times the invite has turned up a few days later but I explain to them you’re not going to be invited to every party just as we don’t invite everyone to theirs.
They aren’t particularly bothered now if they don’t get an invite. I wouldn’t message a parent to chase up whether or not they’ve been invited. I think it puts them in an awkward position even if you’re nice about it. I’m not sure many would be able to turn round and say soz they aren’t invited

Why on earth didn't you message the mum. The child actually told your child they were invited.

I now want to know what happened afterwards! Lol

Don’t do this! If he’s not invited it will come across very badly.