SAHMs - how have you made your life more fulfilling? (LONG!)

[tootle]

I've recently become a SAHM. So far, it beats working but I don't feel like I am as happy as I should be. I don't think I measure up to the ideal of a SAHM that I have in my head.

I have other things going on in my life which are making me less than happy and being at home all day gives me too much thinking time.

My dd just turned two. My dh and I started ttc #2 almost a year ago. We wanted a small age gap. I always planned to give up work completely once I had two children. I got pregnant (easily) twice this year but each ended in miscarriage - the last one being in June.

I made the decision to give up work in September. My mind was no longer in it, I was unmotivated and ahted juggling parenthood and a paid, responsible job. I feel very lucky. My dh makes a good enough salary... perhaps not good enough for some people to consider being a SAHM, but good enough for us. I'm also studying (or trying to) for my MSc via distance learning. We have kept my dd in nursery 10 hours a week to give me the time and focus to study.

But, you know what, it still doesn't seem enough to make me feel happy. My studying doesn't allow me to meet people or converse with people. I have friends from NCT way back when our babies were tiny, but they all work 4-5 days a week now. I make the effort to go to toddler groups and speak to a few people, but I still feel like an outsider.

So, what should I do? To make matters worse, we're struggling to get pregnant again - so I feel like life is in limbo and sometimes going to toddler groups upsets me as I see all the mums with their 2nd babies or a bump or feel like I don't belong in the SAHM club because I've given up work at a time when people start to put their children in nursery and pre-school, not take them out!! If I'd never gone back to work I know I'd have managed to build up a good network of SAHM friends but it's not happening now.

Another thing... we hope to move next summer but won't know if we are until March! So, I feel so much in limbo. Do I just grin and bear life the way it is (not in my nature to do so) or take steps to make it more fulfilling.

What could I do?

*Volunteer to help out at the playgroup - even though no-one really knows me

• Do one afternoon's voluntary work. What kind of things could I do?
• An evening class in something that does not give homework?

What has helped you? What have you done?

hi tootle - i've found that just 'holding' onto the knowledge that this is the most precious time that you won't have again really helps- just reminding myself and taking a step back . i found some playgroups not my thing so kept trying others until i found the one that felt right - have you tried montessori/steiner or musikgarten for example? they can be a bit more stimulating for parents aswell as children. we too had lots of upheaval during the first few years of ds1 - children thankfully won't let you be in limbo - they are too busy living in the moment which is a great lesson i've learnt. will it be far away? could you start to look into playgroups there?

Tootle what kind of things do you do with your dd already? My life at home is made fulfilling by the little things I do and see, watching them paint, glue, sing, play, reading a story to my child, walking round the block and talking about the colour of the leaves.

I know it must be hard for you what with ttc, and m/c but maybe you should just focus this time on your dd and treasure this time you have alone with her. You are lucky that you can afford to stay at home. Keep focusing on the things that you have and this special time that you will never have again with dd. Do as much as you can with her and you will be creating lovely menmories

crossed posts shrub! You say it much better than me.

I felt exactly the same way and still do, but to a slightly lesser extent since becoming more involved 2 years ago with dd1's nursery. I joined the committee and made myself get involved with things I'd never done before (coffee mornings, jumble sales etc) It sounds grim, but then you realise that loads of people feel the way you do. Many of those mums with a new baby or bump will be be feeling knackered and stressed and would be amazed to think you envied them. It works both ways if you force yourself to get to know people IME. You do have to work at it and suffer some knockbacks but some friendhsips will begin to emerge, I'm sure.

Dd1 is in reception now and dd2 is at the nursery I'm involved with so some days my hands are way too full, which is better than being idle but not very mentally challenging IYKWIM. You could volunteer as a hospital visitor or to work in a charity shop one afternoon a week?

I dont think i am very suited to being a sahm. my kids are 5 and 3 now and I have started doing short courses at college to get me out and to give me some direction.

dont beat yourself up about not having a small gap etc between children, at the end of the day it doesnt really matter. My two were close and I wanted about 4 kids but now if I fdo have any more there will be a bigger gap and I am worried about that but at the end of the day it doesnt really matter does it. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and concentrate on your dd and learning

Shrub - "have you tried montessori/steiner or musikgarten for example" We don't have anything like that where I live. I wish we did.

It's one of the reasons for wanting to move. We're desperate to get out of this overcrowded, run-down city and find a bit of open spcae.

I currently attend one playgroup which is fairly friendly but doesn't contain many of 'my kind of people' On the other hand, the Tumble Tots group I go to on a Tuesday seems to be full of older mothers who have perhaps given up careers or work p/t and they aren't very friendly at all, so I guess I shouldn't be judgemental and just be grateful to have a chat with any friendly mother.

I meant to add... I don't think I can just enjoy my dd. It's an internal problem. I feel my self-esteem is connected to what I do and achieve and since I don't do the SAHM brilliantly, I don't feel overbrimming with self-esteem.

I did the joining the preschool committee too, although I also didn't expect to enjoy it. I became Chair, helped save it from closure, organised open days and a new prospectus and fun fundraising and liked doing it much more than I thought I would. Are there any causes you believe in or would like to help? I'm thinking of things like The Parents Jury (part of The Food Commission, campaign against crap food for kids, basically) and Friends of the Earth etc, they're usually glad of volunteers. I hope you find something. Sounds like you need distracting from ttc. Good luck!

I'm not a SAHM any more btw, dp is a SAHD, but I was at home for years.

Understand how you feel about playgroup when ttc after miscarriage. For me everyone had other children or preg or had just had baby. Everytime I wasn't preg I'd feel sad. I didn't always feel people were so friendly & I knew no one where we had moved to. It was a diff time for me. I eventually volunteered to help run the group & got busy with this. Enjoyed doing this once per week & made lots of friends. I'm now in a new area & have to make new friends all over again!! Best wishes on everything for you

My DD's school is always looking for people (not necessarily people who already have a child at the school) to come in and listen to children read, I don't know if this is something you have thought of already of would be interested in. They also sometimes need people to act as "dinner ladies" - not serving meals just supervising the children at lunchtime whilst they eat and also in the playground (You get paid for this!). My dd's friend's mum does this and when she collects her child the children she looks after all come running up to speak to her and give her cuddles which she finds very rewarding.

I think just writing this post and seeing some of the thoughtful responses has helped me to get off my backside and realise I CAN do something else even if it is for a temporary period of time.

I think I am going to stop Tumble Tots as that makes me feel miserable for the rest of the day. My dd is very active and physical enough so it's not liek she needs that outlet and it is doing me no good. Then I can go to the playgroup two days per week and may find I build up more friendships that way. I will volunteer too, even if it's just to cut out cardboard shapes for gluing, or making the teas and coffees.

wickedwaterwitch - Thanks for reminding me about The Parents Jury. That si right up my street. I remember reading about it in the NCT mag ages ago, but they wanted parents of two year olds. I fall into that category now. DH would love to get on board with that too.

I could volunteer to work in a school library half a day. Would that be of use to a school? It would help me with regards my MSc as it is related.

Thanks again. It;s so good to have a plan. BTW - I hope I didn't offend anyone. I know for a lot of people being a SAHP is fulfilling enough for them. I think I DO need a distraction from ttc and then, when I am lucky enough to have #2, I might feel more fulfilled being a SAHM fulltime.

become a magistrate

tootle - i really sympathise with your situation. i became a SAHM when my dd was about 14 and half months old, I took her out of nursery and went to all the classes/groups, and also found that it was difficult to build up a network of SAHM friends as many had already formed their cliques. Six months later, i do have some friends and I know a lot of mums/nannies/au pairs from regularly attending stuff but yes it would have probably been a lot easier if I had never returned to work in the first place. I am also trying for number 2, good luck with that.

I volunteer at a playgroup, and am planning some non child based volunteer work in the new year. I would give volunteering a go and see what happens. Volunteering at a playgroup has its ups and downs, have posted about it today!!! But it does force you to approach others and strike up a conversation and maybe even start a friendship.

Oops just read your latest posting, hope it all goes well! And forgot to say that mumsnet helped too and have met some other mums too!

by getting a job

Erm, no, that didn't work for me either. That goes in the category of how to make me feel like both a crap mother and crap at my job. I'm one of those women who can't multi-task.

Volunteering would be fine because I don't have to take the headache home with me

tootles - sorry to hear about the mcs - I'm in the same boat as you, having wanted a shorter gap between ds2 and the next one it's not working out that way. When my ds1 went to school and I was down to just one again I did feel very bored and also a bit isolated because the groups I had been to when ds1 was little had folded mostly. I joined the NCT and that has beem great, not just for meeting other mums but because I joined the committee. There's all sorts of things you can do there - treasurer, fundraising, postnatal support, events co-ordinator, newsletter, secretary, MSLC rep., even chair, to name but a few.

Btw, if you volunteered to help at the playgroup you'd soon get to know everybody. (Sorry if this has been said already - haven't had time to read the whole thread).

I am sure the school would be grateful for any sort of help you could offer. My dd's school was also looking for volunteers to staff the "Maths Games Library" they started recently.

I have just found a volunteering website for my area and filled in the online application form. If nothing comes of that I will approach a few locla schools and see if they can make use of me in the library.

Before dd was born, I always thought I would volunteer for the NCT. I have had good and bad experiences with my local NCT branch. My fellow antenatal class (and Bumpa & Babies) are a great bunch of people. Some work very full time and 2 live out of the area, but a handfull of us get together quite often.

The group of women with babies about 4-6 months older than ours, i.e. the previous class and bumps and babies I have found not so great. A lot of them are SAHMs who volunteered fro the NCT early on. They formed themselves into an unfriendly clicque (I'm not the only one who thought that) and once when I volunteered to help out with a nearly new sale, I never got contacted.

My NCT people aren't like that. We always made every effort to be inclusive and friendly to new faces. So, I would never volunteer for the NCT committee here but may use it as an avenue to meet people should me and dh move to a new area next summer.

tootle, we have lots of mum volunteers (I work for an arts charity). Whereabouts are you based?

South coast city

there is bound to be a biggish arts centre near you, if you are at interested they always need volunteers.