Full time working, single mum two year old sleep is a nightmare!

[supertato32]

I am a solo parent and I work full time in a stressful and demanding role! My child does not sleep. She has just turned two. She used to go down ok and wake at 11, but now she doesn't go down until 8pm. Then she wakes at 11pm, then throughout the night. In desperation I just give her milk. My job is so demanding and I need to be able to work in the evenings but I can't and the work load is piling up. I have zero support, my parents don't live near and are early 70s so can't expect them to help. Her dad lives an hour away and has her one night at the weekend. I would actually quit my job and get something less stressful, but I am looking to sell my flat and move out of London to buy a bigger property (first world problems) so can't think of leaving until I've done that. My mental and physical health is suffering. I eat crap food when I can and never have dinner as I'm so exhausted by the time I put her down to bed, so have toast or frozen food. I have zero chance or time to do any exercise. I'm not really sure of this post, but find this place a fantastic outlet when everything feels so overwhelming and shit! Xxxx

No advice to offer but in same boat. Solo parent, no family nearby, dad is waste of space. I work full time in the NHS and today I did my shift that started at 7.30am with 2 hours of broken sleep. My DD is 4 and her sleep is awful. I'm in bed already, have taken 2 sleeping tablets and going to turn all my devices off at 9pm in the hope I get a few hours unbroken. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. Its destroying me.

@Pebbledashery wow! I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a cuppa! I'm so sorry, sounds like we're in the same boat. I don't mean to sound awful but I find it a comfort that others are in the same boat! If you ever want to chat send me a PM! Not sure if you can do that kind of thing! Things would be so much easier if they slept!!! Sending love and support xxxx

What does her day look like? Nursery? Childminder? Meals? Naps?
The most common causes of poor sleep are overtiredness, over stimulation, external factors like noise, heat, cold. Then lastly, hunger and thirst, often confused with inability to self settle that is then handled by giving milk.
If you can figure out what might be the cause, you can probably start to fix it.

My heart would sink when I arrived at CM's house at 6pm to find my child sound asleep on the sofa.

I have to say, when I was in your shoes with my eldest (I have a 2 and a 4 yr old now), I did cry it out. I started by saying throughout the day what would happen in the evening. I'm going to read you a book, you can choose a protector, then give you a kiss and a cuddle, sing twinkle twinkle and leave the room. Then I'd remind her again before the book, and do it. The protector thing is great for my kids. They get to leave a toy outside the doors to protect them against nightmares. I got the tip from some Instagram mum who said telling kids who feel scared that there is nothing to be afraid of doesn't really work because they feel scared. It's like telling someone having a panic attack there's nothing to worry about. So now I say sorry you're feeling scared, you can have a protector to keep you safe. It weirdly works.

She'd scream the mutherflipping house down still, but I'd go in half an hour later if she hadn't calmed down. Then I'd give her a cuddle and say, mummy is just eating her dinner. See you in the morning. And then I'd repeat and it took about a week but after that it did work. And now she says things like "I used to get upset but I'm OK now going to bed". I still don't exercise though. I just eat shit but without the background of screaming.

I really feel for you OP. I am in a similar position falling behind at work and DD waking through the night but im not a solo parent. You are doing amazingly. I don’t have the answers but to reiterate you are doing brilliantly. I have thought about doing a 9 day fortnight with DD still in nursery to give me a day to catch up with life and look after myself (currently struggling with a bad back). Could that work in your current or new role when you move home? If not could you find a babysitter or home help for a few hours to relieve you of some of the pressure?

Can you afford to get a sleep consultant to help with sleep training? It doesn't have to be horrible and cry it out etc it can be gentle but must be consistent. Sleep trainer helped us with routine, diet and things that needed to be consistent before we even started the sleep training. I hadn't even realised how much needed to be right before we could sort the sleep.

Single mum with DD who is 3. She has always been a awful sleep because of reflux. We've Co slept since she was born because that was the only way I'd sleep. I've recently been doing tea time at 6/6.30 and about 7.30/8 given her toast or cereal to fill her up and that's really helped through the night. What's her naps like in the day? Maybe dropping one of them would help, I know I had to push her to literally 20/30 minute naps when she was at nursery because they were letting her sleep for way too long then she'd get a second wind at 6pm x

@endofthelinefinally I think it's overtiredness and too much stimulation! She's always been a very alert baby! I also had to take her to hospital once and she was given a sedative and that didn't work! I need to be firm and not always go in when she's crying and not always give her milk! But so hard when you're exhausted yourself

She is in a great routine and at nursery sleeps between an hour and an hour a half every day! She can sleep through the night (if lying next to me). But it's frustrating as I try to give her a good routine and then as soon as she does to her dads he has zero routine and he doesn't have a separate bedroom so she just sleeps in his bed, making it really hard for me to get her out of the habit because as soon as she goes to his she gets to sleep in his bed.

Tea ASAP when you get home. Supper before bed. Bed socks...
Surely at 2 she doesn't need milk?

@Hodgewell1 what a lovely message! Really lifted me, thank you. And standing in solidarity with you too! As mentioned before knowing I'm not the only one is a comfort. I'd love to change my working patterns, but my job is so full on because like most companies they've halved the work force but have the same amount of work. If I take a day off I pay for it (as in have to catch up) xxx

@HiKelsey I do sometimes wonder if she has reflux! Do you have any tips xxx

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood she doesn't! But when I'm so exhausted and she won't stop crying for milky I always give in! I know I'm my own worst enemy xxx

You have your answer. Tbh I don't think you can establish a routine if her dad persistantly undermines you.
Can you sleep if she is in with you?
If that is the only way to get sleep you might be stuck with it.
She won't want to be in with you forever.
My DH is from a country/ culture where they are very relaxed about where dc sleep. They settle in their own rooms in due time.

@IceCreamWoes omg so much great advice here that I haven't thought about before thank you! And yes, you're so right... who am I kidding I won't probably exercising or eat healthier but I just want at least two hours of quality junk food eating to myself! Thanks for cheering me up!

A very calm, quiet winding down time, a snack and an early bed time can make all the difference too. Mine were in bed at 6.30 at that age. Any later and they went into overdrive.

@Yumchips great name (as I tuck into my oven chips and scampi) ! Would love a sleep consultant to come and spend a week in my house to get my little one to sleeep better! Would even sell feet pictures on only fans to pay for it 😂 (looking into this right now haha)

@endofthelinefinally yes! She used to sleep at 7 but now it's more like 8. I think I have massive mum guilt that she's at nursery full time and I hardly see her!

@supertato32 I paid circa £600 4 years ago and was given 24/7 telephone support as well as advice on everything else. I probably would have caved in but glad I had the consultant at the end of the line for those 3am moments where you just want to chuck the towel in. She never actually visited me - it was all phone/email based. Hope that helps! The moral support was priceless in hindsight.

A sleep consultant will advise that both parents follow the advice and use exactly the same routine and strategies. I am not sure I would spend the money if that won't happen.

Just want to say a massive thank you to you wonderful ladies for all your advice, moral support and lovely words! This is why I posted on here, because the kindness from strangers means so much when you're feeling alone and knackered! Thank you xxx

My 2 year old for the past 2 weeks has started with later bedtimes and wake ups through thr night. Over the weekend we stopped the hour to hour and a half nap, completely cut it and she's on all 3 nights so far been fast asleep before her head hit the pillow at 6.30pm, sleeping through until 7am without waking. Could it possibly be time to remove the nap? X

Is there a reason why you can't Co-sleep?

If she sleeps well like that and Co-sleeps with her Dad why put yourself through the current broken nights?

I wouldn't worry about exercise. With being so busy I can't imagine that you're overweight?

@RandomMess very rarely she sleeps well with me! She sleeps better that way than if she wasn't in the bed but she's just crying for milk all the time!