Toddler cries leaving the house

[Louisec128]

Hello. My toddler (3 in January) has started crying when we leave the house. He normally asks where we're going and I'll say where, and getting him dressed and into the car is fine. It doesn't make a difference where we're going either (walk/shop/play/park), but as soon as we reach the bottom of the road where our house is he starts crying (whether in the car or if we're out walking) and screaming for me to go back home. When I ask why he just says he wants to go home with mummy. I can't think of anything that's happened to start this off, and he even does it when the activity involves staying with me anyway, and he did it for his dad yesterday. He does eventually snap out of it but can take up to 10 minutes of crying which I obviously don't want. He starts preschool in a couple of weeks so I really want this to stop before then because I don't want there to be a negative connection with school (I don't think that's the reason for this btw as when we mention starting school soon he says yay). Any tips on ways to help him with this phase? I was thinking of making a little picture check list and asking him to tick them off when he sees them through the car window so he's distracted whilst talking to him?

My 3 year old has been going out fine and now has started crying too. I have put it down to developmental milestones being reached and him becoming more aware of his surroundings. I try to do as much explaining as I can especially leading up to leaving so he knows what comes next. Praise for stopping crying and reassuring tone. Distraction is a good one too, oh wow look at all those leaves etc. Can you tell me what colour this one is? Ok why don't you carry it and you can look after it while we walk. A bit daft I know but helps to divert his attention....

You sound tuned in and your idea of picture list sounds great it will help him to understand better and compartmentalise things. Mine love visuals like that as well.

Thank you. The last two times I managed to calm him were by 1) asking if he could see any Christmas lights yet/let's look for Santa and 2) pretending I heard the gruffalo and opened the window. I guess I'm curious as to where and why it's started and anxious because we're leading up to starting preschool so want a nice and calm couple weeks leading up to that.

Could you maybe start taking out a packet of crisps or grapes or similar type snack and be passing them over one at a time as you walk off? You could make a thing out of packing your 'going out snacks' and perhaps a straw carton - things he'd associate as being treats.

Yes I understand what you mean.

They can be happy one week and seemingly regress for no reason. I'm no child development expert I only have my own experiences to go on and a tiny bit of child psychology study, which will be well out of date!

The gruffalo was a good one and the lights too (I'm looking for tips on here too, so thanks for starting the thread).

Sometimes we pretend to be chasing dinosaurs or looking for the lion.

Believe it or not I have a psychology degree, was then a primary teacher, an education welfare officer and now work as a practitioner in pre schools, and this phase has still taken me by surprise! I guess I feel so anxious about leaving him at preschool soon I want to nip it in the bud quickly to make that as much as a positive experience as possible!

That's pretty amazing! @Louisec128
What's your take on the dislike of going outside?

My DS is only 15 months so not quite at this stage yet so I'm of course no expert, but to me it sounds maybe as though home is his safe place and maybe he's becoming more aware of his surroundings and getting a little anxious about leaving the house?

I'd say try and give as much warning as possible, so if you know you're going out that day, when he wakes up tell him the plan for the day. If you have a clock you could say "we'll be leaving the house when the numbers say 11.00" (if he recognises numbers that is). Give a 30 minute warning before leaving too. Then a 15 minute warning, maybe even set a 5 minute timer before you leave too and get him involved in turning the timer off when it rings. Lots of explaining of "we're going to put our shoes on, then our coats, then when we leave the house we're going to walk past the house with the blue car" etc. Maybe even ask him to pick an item could be a toy, Teddy, book, something from home that he can take to remind him of home so if he misses home he has a comfort item with him. Then try and give as much explanation of the schedule, what will happen etc. Once you leave then try and distract, so "oh can you see any cars? What colour are the cars?" If he's walking with you and it's safe you could even do little races "I bet you can't beat mammy running up to that silver car". When it's getting time to leave then again prepare "in 15 minutes we'll be leaving the supermarket, we'll walk back past the house with the blue car and then we'll be home!"

Hopefully some of this helps, it more than likely is just a phase!

Also I have a psychology degree too and still feel at a loss sometimes despite how much I learned about child development/attachments etc 😂

Maybe you could try leaving the house when you dont actually want to go anywhere and then walk off down the street with him. When he starts crying, go back home and sit on the door step for a few minutes so he can see that the house is still fine and say “hello house what did you do when I was out walking, did you have a nice sleep” etc then he will have a story about how houses dont vapourise when he cant see them anymore, they just have a nap……then head off again when he is calm. Rinse and repeat until he is bored and doesnt cry any more. Just make sure you do leave again when he is calm so he doesnt associate wanting to go back home with you complying = setting a dangerous precedent

What’s the problem with his tears? It’s actually good that he feels ok sharing his upset with you. If only adult men were ok to cry and receive comfort I think the world would be a better place.

I would accept his feelings ‘seems like you feel sad about leaving home’. Offer a hug or whatever and move on with your day.

I don’t fully agree with everything but the Unruffled podcast can help you accept and understand feelings more easily. I am sure this will pass, especially if you are accepting and calm (but don’t change your plans, just be patient).