Kid at school taught DS the n-word.

[Dahliasandtea]

How to I deal with this? Please help. tonight i was reading a Horrid Henry to my boys 8&6 before bed, and rude words were mentioned.. . My 8yo just suddenly said ‘I know the n-word and c-word’. I stopped dead and said ‘what!’ I was so shocked I couldn’t really control my reaction. He repeated what he said and I asked him what he thought it was , hoping he didn’t know….. but he did. I started welling up and just felt sick hearing it in his mouth. I was shaking. I really didn’t expect my reaction to be like this.

He is a normal 8yr old and of course has experimented with the f word and s word and I am guilty of dropping a few fs and ss occasionally….. but never have I ever said this word (or the other), nor his father.
So I asked him ‘who told you’ he was worried I would call their mum so tried to avoid answering but then he told me after I promised not to get them in trouble. It was who I thought it was…. A kid he has known since babyhood and his mother is the ONLY person I have ever heard use that word in conversation in my whole life (literally). I didn’t call her out on it (to my shame) but after that I created quite a lot of distance between us but the kids are in the same year at school so it’s difficult to police
Now I don’t know what to do. My child is completely obsessed with this kid and is struggling to be accepted by him and his group of friends.

how do I tackle this? This all happened as he was going to bed…. Lights were off and his brother was half asleep… so I couldn’t go into it then… he saw my reaction and started saying ‘I’m sorry I made you cry’… which made me feel awful. I told him I wasn’t upset with him but that we needed to talk about it tomorrow. I told him it was t at all like the f-word or S-word and that it really was the worst word in the language and I would talk to him about it but for now, if he hears anyone say it, he is to tell them it’s a disgusting word and walk away.

can anyone suggest how I go about this? Do i speak to this kids parents? My husband is away for work so I’m kind of on my own on this one. It doesn’t feel right to leave it…. I know they are kids and to them it’s just like the f-word or S-word and he has no context… I don’t even know how to go about giving him context….

I think you have given him context, he saw your shocked reaction.

Taboo words and swear words are not stored in the same part of the brain as other language, they are stored as and recognised as acts of agression.

I think your response has probably taught him that. You can discuss it again in detail in the morning, but I dont think there is anything wrong with the way you responded tonight

You just chat to him and explain why both words are offensive.

Don't speak to the parents, it will only end badly.

Use it as an opportunity to explain the meaning of the words, why they are offensive and why they shouldn't be used.

I think it's a good thing your DS saw the extent of your shock and distress at these words. I'd leave him to negotiate the matter himself after that i.e. I wouldn't force him to distance himself from a boy whose friendship is important to him. He knows those words are unacceptable to you and to people you respect, and so you've done your job.

My kids have heard aaaall the swear words at school. I’m sure they’ll have passed them on to other kids too. It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them kids. I’ve been very, very clear with them that if I ever hear them use either word, or I am told they’ve used them, that they’ll be on a long-term tech ban and I will be thoroughly ashamed of them.

It’s not the end of the world and and tbh I think your reaction is slightly OTT.

@JaniceBattersby
i didn’t know I would react like that. It certainly wasn’t planned or thought about. But hearing it come out of his mouth just made me gasp. And to an extent it was a moment of loss of innocence.
as someone who has experienced racism a lot in my life it just really hit a nerve.

i don’t want to make it about punishment and I of course don’t think it makes the other kid ‘bad’… but it makes me wonder what context he heard it… was it a rap song or was it his mum? Which yes makes a difference and the latter makes a big difference.

i guess I was wondering if anyone could suggest how I talk to him about it…. I don’t want to make it like the f or s or even c words…… it’s not the same at all.

@NiceTwin @2greenroses
thanks both of you. Yes I think my reaction definitely shocked him too (as well as me). And I hope that will, for the moment, make him realise the difference between this and other words I’ve been less than receptive to. Hopefully it will give me time to research what to say and how to say it.

I agree with other posters, no point talking to other family.

just be clear with him as you have and let him know you don't expect to hear it again.

I understand you on the loss of innocence. I still remember my first experience of racism when i was 8 with my family. horrible thing.

Does anyone think it would be worth just mentioning it on the school WhatsApp and just say ‘obviously some kids have been talking about this… if you want to talk to your kids about it, nows the time’

DH says yes… he says it’s everyone’s responsibility and working as a group to tackle it surely is best. I think he is being a bit unrealistic and everyone will have their differences in opinion and inevitably I will end up hearing something along the lines of ‘pull your neck in and mind your own business, it’s not that big a deal!’ Which will just piss me off and stress me out.

I'm guessing that you've never really discussed racism with him.
I would say something like "You know how people use bad words to hurt other people's feelings ? Sometimes those words are about someone's skin colour and is called racist. The n word is an evil word that is used to be horrible to black people. You should never say it because being mean about people's race is really horrible. I wouldn't be friends with someone who is racist and I know that you are not racist so aren't going to say that word again"

Don't approach the other mum. If she he will use that language in front of you, she isn't going to change her ways just because you say something. This is going to be one of many instances where your son is going to have to balance impressing people and doing the right thing. It's hard to watch your child want to be friends with the "wrong" kind of kid. By wrong I mean someone who is not a good friend.

Thank you for your reaction. I say that as a Blaxk woman. It wasn’t an over reaction.

You are doing what I wish all parents would when this topic comes up and that is, taking it very seriously.

By being militant about it your kid won’t feel this word can ever be incorporated into their vocabulary.

That then makes the playgroup a safer place for my dc and other children of colour.

0 tolerance.

I remember my mum having a similar reaction to the word C*nt. To this day I never use it and loathe the word. Don’t find it funny when people use it to be humorous either.

One day or another, kids are going to learn these words. There is no harm in them knowing them (after all, YOU know them, so do most). The most important thing is that he knows and you teach him that they are very bad, offensive words, and that he must never ever use them. It sounds like you have told him this.
Knowing the words won't make him a bad person. If he knows them, but has the maturity (unlike the other child) to say no, I know that's bad, I won't ever say it or teach it to anyone else, that makes him a brilliant kid. I'm sure he will be.

We had this when our son was on year 4, so about the same age. He was just sat playing and then suddenly used it as his toys talked to each other during the game. We slowly got from him where he had heard it and then had to have conversations about why that word was so awful as he had no idea of the context, to him it was 'just' a bad word- we had already touched on racism and how some people act towards those who don't look/think like them but this had to be a level we weren't quite prepared for at his age (and with SEN).
I wrote an email to the school naming the child who had taught it to him as I was so worried he would use it in school.

@SunshinePlease101
my husband and I are zero tolerance on any type of racism. I’m south Asian and Irish and have experienced racism for both sides of me, myself. I’ve always talked to the children about race and colour and made it very clear that we treat everyone the same but we don’t see everyone as the same because they aren’t. We talk about heritage and experience and how that shaped the world we live in and how we use it to shape our actions. We talk a lot about how my parents experienced racism in England and why I see things differently from other British people who don’t have my background. That’s what my parents did for me and my siblings, and it comes quite naturally to me. But this…. This was different. Because I’ve never heard anyone but this one woman use this word, and I shied away then, I genuinely don’t know how to approach it. I guess I’m inexperienced in this. But some comments here and also writing this comment to you tells me perhaps I do know how to approach it. But i’m currently down a rabbit hole on the internet on how to talk about it to young children.

we’ll get there.

thank you for your comment xxx

I think your reaction made it completely clear that these are not good words. Reiterating that, and why, in chats Iver the coming days will be good.

But talking to the parents is unlikely to be helpful. For a start, at 8, lots of kids will start hearing these words so even if you are 100% certain he learnt it from a particular kid, that child may have learnt it anywhere.

I think also that the reality is that children are exposed to things so our job is to make it clear that just because some people use certain words or do certain things doesn't mean it's OK.

Its also.totally OK to refuse to allow anything of the sort in your house. I heard some young children swearing at a sports match the other day and didn't think twice about telling them to stop. I was the only parent in hearing distance and it needed to be said.

My year 6 child told me a boy in her class had been using the n word. Apparently he thinks it’s cool. I called the school so they could address it.

I would not bring this up on the school whatsapp or discuss with the parents but I would definitely raise with the school as this is racist language and should be taken seriously.

OP it sounds like you have approached it just right with your family, especially with your own family experience as a point of reference. With you having already put in the groundwork for no tolerance of this your DS will understand and follow your lead.
Personally I would report officially to school as other children may also have learnt this word and their parents may not be as proactive as you, hopefully school can address it in lessons sensitively.

My DS heard the N word at 8 as well. I don't think he knows the C word yet. My DS is really attracted to anything naughty so I think he would have got a real thrill if I reacted in a shocked or horrified way. I just explained very calmly that it's a very offensive word. I gave him a little history about the treatment of black people, slavery etc explaining why its such a bad word. I also explained that using the word would get him in to real trouble. He understood and I haven't heard him use it since.

When DD heard both of those words I just explained to her the meaning and connotations. The N word opened up a wider chat about racism and that it's extremely offensive and hurtful and she should never use it. Tbh she was a lot younger than your DS and a neighbour's toddler shouted it over the balcony.

The C word that is a very rude word for vulva/vagina. She's not allowed to swear anyways .

I don't feel hearing and knowing either word has taken Away her innocence.

Yes, I would do the same. School staff need to know.

I agree inform the school but not the other family

🧟‍♀️

I realise this is an ancient thread but people don't seem to have suggested using books to discuss the topic.
We have quite a good lift the flap book which is good for discussion (linear books tend to just rattle through)
Race topics are very difficult to discuss as many people were not brought up to discuss them, so that persists. Having a resource to have a conversation really helps.
Hope the OP found a good solution and I hope this helps others