Husband dismissive of me teaching my daughter about her emotions

[supersister]

My daughter is 5 and I’ve bought her a journal which we fill in together at bedtime for her to think about how she has felt that day and the good things that have happened etc I’m also actively trying to encourage her to talk about how she’s feeling when she’s misbehaving/acting up rather than just instinctively tell her off.

My husband is of the opinion that a lot of this is nonsense and I’m over-analysing her behaviour and I should ‘let kids be kids’. He’s started jokingly giving me the nickname ‘Dr Melfi’ (the therapist in The Sopranos) and I feel undermined and dismissed by him. I tried to talk to him about it but it ended in an argument and with me saying that had his mother encouraged him to talk about his feelings when he was a child he might not have grown up to be a closed minded and emotionally immature adult 🙄

Thoughts please? She’s my first born so I’m
new to this age of parenting and want her to grow up being able to talk about and recognise her emotions as it’s not something I was particularly encouraged to do as a child. But equally don’t want to take it too far (if that’s even possible?!) like my husband thinks…

[Newusernameaug]

I think your comment to DH was spot on!
id be questioning him why it makes him so uncomfortable?

[cansu]

Sounds overly intense to me.

[Onnabugeisha]

“My daughter is 5 and I’ve bought her a journal which we fill in together at bedtime for her to think about how she has felt that day and the good things that have happened etc”. This is too much imho. Your DD has zero private life if every night had bedtime she’s being expected to journal her feelings for the entire day under the watchful eye of her mum. The “good things that have happened” feels like a mandatory count your blessings exercise as well.

”I’m also actively trying to encourage her to talk about how she’s feeling when she’s misbehaving/acting up rather than just instinctively tell her off.“ This is good and more appropriate imho.

You saying this to your DH was very toxic and a low blow:
”me saying that had his mother encouraged him to talk about his feelings when he was a child he might not have grown up to be a closed minded and emotionally immature adult”

You need to work on how to communicate with your DH and not resort to personal insults towards him and his mother when he disagrees with you.

[SkylightSkylight]

I'm with your DH. She's 5, let her be 5. Making her analyse her day & every bloody emotion is utterly ridiculous. I'm sure you mean well, but FFS lighten up.

you need to apologise properly to your husband that was a horrible thing to say.

[Violettaa]

You were horribly rude to him. Setting yourself up as the emotionally literate one in this situation is ridiculous.

[catchthedog]

I think the emotions when upset/angry is a good thing but the journal in the evening is a bit OTT at 5 and risks her becoming obsessive over her feelings drilling it in to her so young.

[33goingon64]

I think a midway point is sensible. Creating an environment where she knows she can talk about her feelings is great. Making it into homework is a bit much. I don't think either of you are right.

[Biscuitandacuppa]

The best way to get your child to talk to you about their emotions is to let them come to you and listen to them. It’s often at bedtime that they will chat about their day, but she is far to young to analyse her feelings in this way. It’s more likely to stop her from opening up to you.
Also even the best behaved nicest child will have crap days when they are rude, stroppy and kick off! Kids aren’t robots and can’t emotionally regulate at that age. I’m with your DH, let her be a child and enjoy it, they grow up
so quickly.

[Rinatinabina]

I’ve been thinking about this recently after listening to a podcast where Helen Joyce talked about a kid with a check lost the went through to check in with how they are feeling, it was in conversation with Jordan Peterson. The point they made was that too much self focus can actually heighten anxiety.

I think it’s great for kids to be able to name their feelings. Every unpleasant feeling I had was expressed as anger as I really didn’t know how to name and then deal with uncomfortable emotions. I think spending time every evening talking about her feelings over a long period of time may be counterproductive but helping her deal with negative emotions, express them without shame as they arise is always for the good.

Daily gratitude I think is a good thing, it’s good to be able to go to bed grateful for something. DH do it weekly on a Friday night with a drink, we count 3 things we were grateful for this week.

[upfucked]

I’m all for teaching and chatting about emotions but filling a journal every day is OTT.

There are some lovely books like Tilda’s worry and we all chat about our days over dinner together.

[unfortunateevents]

Gosh it all sounds a bit intense. I'm absolutely in favour of kids expressing their emotions and having conversations with them about things that make them happy, sad, angry, anxious et cetera. But to formalise it at such a young age is too much.

[mathanxiety]

You're partly right. His mother and father dropped the ball. Women don't have the role of looking after the emotional side of life.

However, while encouraging your daughter to be aware of her feelings, presumably with a view to better self regulation, is fine in itself, the daily journal is a bit OTT. Save that for when she's 11 or 12.

You can keep on expressing your own feelings to her and encourage her to do the same.

I think this topic that has come up between you and your H is one that should be addressed in couples counseling. It's a biggie, a fundamentally different approach to parenting.

Meanwhile he needs to stop with the juvenile treatment of you.

[SomePosters]

Ffs! Op didnt say she was making them analyse their every feeling

making journaling a part of your bedtime routine is a beautiful way to round up the day, encourage a bit of self reflection and create opportunities to work through any issues out of any emotional build up.

we always read at bedtime but I think I might incorporate this too, just choose a nice book and see what evolves. Thanks op, sorry your idea is being slagged off by the ‘benign’ neglect crew.

[Topseyt123]

I think your approach, while well intentioned, sounds very OTT.

Don't set it out as a task she mus accomplish each day. Just let her talk if she wants to, and stop overanalyzing. Just let her enjoy being a child.

[supersister]

Some interesting points here which I will take on board, thank you.

Perhaps a journal is a little too formal for a 5 year old but she absolutely loves writing so I thought it was a good way of mixing the two things. I also found it a good way to get her to talk about her day as asking her ‘what did you do today at school?’ usually drew blanks whereas ‘what good things happened today’ brought up a lot of positive discussion.

And yes my relationship with my husband is fractious at the moment so work is definitely needed on both sides. I would go to couples counselling but it’s not something he is interested in doing.

[Haffdonga]

At 5 years old I think it would be more helpful and age appropriate for your dd to be able to identify her emotions in the moment . E.g. she's disappointed and annoyed right now to have to finish a game and clear up, or she's excited but a bit nervous that a friend is coming while she's waiting for them to arrive.
I imagine that trying to label emotions experienced several hours ago will lead to quite a shallow conversation with happy or sad being about as much as you can elicit. A conversation during the emotion teaches her to recognise and deal with the emotions. A conversation at bedtime and it's all too late to learn anything about coping.
I'm with your dh.

[supersister]

I should add that it’s a journal made for her age group with activities and games in and room for her to doodle/draw etc. It’s not a formal adult journal/diary! But I can see how doing it every night might feel like homework 😂

[mileaminute]

I think what you said to your husband was below the belt and deserves an apology really.

[supersister]

@mileaminute

I think what you said to your husband was below the belt and deserves an apology really.

Yeah it wasn’t a particularly nice thing to say but he is emotionally immature and refuses to talk about his own feelings. He will also regularly tell DD that she’s being ‘silly’ when she expresses a fear of, for example, the dark or if she’s feeling nervous about going to her swimming lesson. Which is probably why I’m going in the opposite direction.

Like someone above said, a happy medium is required.

[Onnabugeisha]

Refusing to talk about your feelings doesn’t necessarily make you an emotionally immature person. You can be an emotionally mature person and also wish to keep feelings private.

[Fe345fleur]

I think it sounds like a great idea, if she's enjoying it keep doing it. Having grown up with emotional abuse, I think anything that helps children process their emotions in a healthy way is a good thing.

Whether it's right or not, I think in the circumstances I would have said the same to your DP, tbh.

Telling a child they are 'silly' for being scared is not on. It makes them feel bad about themselves for feeling normal emotions.

[RambamThankyouMam]

Lol @ Dr Melfi!

The journal does sound a bit much.