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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving a 1yr for a wedding. Help

24 replies

New2TheMNet · 10/11/2022 08:11

My best friend is getting married next year and she has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. She text'd me about the details and said they aren't allowing children as there would be about 40 kids if they allowed it, which I understand.

My DD will only just be 1 years old when the wedding happens and the venue is 2hrs away. I'm feeling anxious about what I'm going to do and about leaving her. I'm even wondering if I should go or speak to my friend about it.

My friend is also going through some fertility issues at the moment and trying to have a baby.

Does anyone have any advice or experience?

Thank you x

OP posts:

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America12 · 10/11/2022 08:23

Do you have reliable childcare ? Will you be staying in a hotel ? If so take the childcare eg granny with you ? I'd go.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2022 08:25

I wouldn’t speak to her about it, she’s already been clear about what she wants. I wouldn’t feel obliged to go, if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your baby you don’t have to and no one should make you feel bad about it.

AriettyHomily · 10/11/2022 08:26

Don't speak to her about it. Do you have childcare? If not then you can't go, she'll know that anyway.

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Skinnermarink · 10/11/2022 08:27

Is the issue that you don’t have childcare or that you don’t want to leave her?

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/11/2022 08:36

I wouldn't speak to her about it, she has been clear and you can't really be BM and care for a baby.It's a long way off still, in a similar situation we took babies to my ils for the day and night of the wedding ( several counties away).If they had been nearer we wouldn't have stayed overnight. An alternative would be for your partner not to attend and to care for the child.This is assuming that the bride is close to you so that you want to make it work.

Original poster

New2TheMNet · 10/11/2022 08:39

I don't have childcare as I've not left her yet. I'm thinking of asking my parents to look after her but they are in their early 70s late 60s so a whole day might be too much.

I'm still funny about leaving her, I also had fertility issues, a traumatic birth and just don't like the idea of not being with her. I know I won't be like this forever but it's how I feel at the moment

OP posts:

GoodnightGentleBoris · 10/11/2022 08:43

It’s impossible to think of leaving them when they’re tiny but at one I think she’d have a grand time with her grandparents, and nice for you to let your hair down

She won’t need milk for that one night so if you’re still BF it’s not a race to get her to take a bottle. Maybe do a few trial runs of GPs looking after her for a few hours closer to the time then have a great time.

PandaOrLion · 10/11/2022 08:44

I’d do an Airbnb near the wedding for you all inc grandparents (or other childcare!)

Agree with DH the plan for the day and how much he will be looking after DC and how much is expected of the parents. Agree with your friend when they need you there and when you can go back to see your DC - ie can you be last for hair and make up so you don’t have to be there very early. Is there down time after the ceremony when you can pop back etc?

Do some trial runs with grandparents at a neutral venue so they can feel confident too.

Timepasse · 10/11/2022 08:46

Plan for leaving baby with grandparents with shorter stays. Make it clear that you may not want to get involved in lots of pre-wedding bridesmaid shenanigans.

lifeinthehills · 10/11/2022 08:47

Advice: You know your own situation and whether you can and want to make it work to leave your baby, or not.

Experience: In the same situation, I didn't leave my baby and skipped the wedding.

Not right or wrong here, you need to decide if it works for you.

lunar1 · 10/11/2022 08:55

I don't think you should feel like you have to go, or force yourself to take steps you aren't ready for with your child. The couple have put a limiting factor in their wedding which means they might not have all the guests the want.

Enjoy reading the ever increasingly expensive and complicated ways people will expect you to contort yourself and your wider family/complete strangers to get to the wedding though!

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 10/11/2022 08:56

I couldn't leave my dd overnight at 1 - had sleep and bf issues still. But I know for lots of people it wouldn't be an issue at all. Problem is, you won't know which category you fall into until you're there!

Can you compromise? Have dh or gps nearby for the day so you can pop out if needed, and then not stay late in the evening/overnight?

Mariposista · 10/11/2022 09:01

Is baby's dad on the scene? If he is, easy - you go on your own and he (aka the other parent) takes care of the kid. If not, ask grandparents (60/70 is not like 80/90).

Mindymomo · 10/11/2022 09:01

Could you book somewhere near for your family and parents nearby. When we had children we said we wouldn’t go to anything where my children weren’t invited and did, unfortunately, turn down a few invitations. My in-laws were great and had our 9 month old overnight so we could go to a nearby evening wedding reception. Although my parents were the same age as in laws, there was no way I could leave child with them for a long period of time. I did for a funeral, but was 2 hours max. I think you have to be honest with your friend.

Helloimabuzzybee · 10/11/2022 09:04

I wouldn’t skip a wedding @New2TheMNet . Especially one for a close friend. I’ve got one next year when baby is a year old and I’m bringing my parents - also in 70’s/late 60’s, also miracle baby after 6 rounds of IVF. Babies aren’t exactly super mobile at 1 year old - they should be able to manage and your DH can pop in and out to them and help and you will know baby is close by. I actually had a wedding when baby was 4 months, parents came and minded the baby and then I took her to breastfeed back in the room and when it was over took her and she slept in my room. It worked out fine. I know it’s extra expense of another room for grandparents but you have time to plan to save it up. Could end up being fun! I got some lovely pics of myself DH and baby all dressed up before we headed off and enjoyed the catch up with my friends too.

lifeinthehills · 10/11/2022 09:04

Interesting that people assume available and willing GPs for babysitting. My parents were PO'd that someone assumed they would be able to babysit my child on the day of their wedding. The someone was PO'd that my parents could possibly have their own needs that day that didn't involve babysitting.

FlounderingFruitcake · 10/11/2022 09:07

Presuming you’re not a single parent you have options:
-Grandparents
-DP has her and you go alone
-DP has her in the day, drops her at grandparents and joins for the evening reception
-Any of the above but driving back at the end of the night or GPs/DP staying near the wedding venue

There’s plenty of time to figure it out! I wouldn’t even consider skipping my best friend’s wedding when it was pretty close to home and I had been given a lot of notice.

Helloimabuzzybee · 10/11/2022 09:08

Mariposista · 10/11/2022 09:01

Is baby's dad on the scene? If he is, easy - you go on your own and he (aka the other parent) takes care of the kid. If not, ask grandparents (60/70 is not like 80/90).

@New2TheMNet this is also another good option. DH and baby can go with you to the hotel and you head off to wedding. Again baby is nearby and will be with you for the night.

FlounderingFruitcake · 10/11/2022 09:09

Interesting that people assume available and willing GPs for babysitting
Because OP said she’s thinking of asking them?? Although granted she has some concerns about their age, they’re obviously not a complete no go because otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it.

Merrow · 10/11/2022 09:12

We had this scenario and had a willing GP but who wasn't up for the full day. We booked a close Airbnb, DP stayed the whole wedding, I ducked out to sort out bath and bed and then rejoined (DP was the friend of the bride so I was the +1). I was also on call and ready to head off if it all went wrong!

I wouldn't say anything to the friend with fertility issues. It's possible that one of the reasons for the child free wedding is that she doesn't want to be reminded of it.

TheRookie · 10/11/2022 09:16

There's absolutely no rush, it's hard to imagine leaving them when they're so little but by 1, you'll feel differently. The only issue is childcare. I wouldn't leave mine with someone that wasn't family so that would be tricky if yours aren't able. Do you have siblings?

Westendbuoys · 10/11/2022 09:27

I always feel for friends in the group who get married once the babies have started arriving - you either have to invite the kids (an additional cost your mates probably didn't have) or have people dropping out.

She's your best friend. Your baby is 1 year old, not 1 month old, if you've got childcare of course you should go.

Original poster

New2TheMNet · 10/11/2022 09:55

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts.

I think the lack of sleep and too much time to overthink had me worried but this has really helped. I'm going to speak to my parents and see if they can help with childcare. I'll then look to book them in somewhere to stay near by.

My husband and I can then go and check in on our daughter. We won't be staying overnight as my husband has work but my parents could and that might be nice for them. Worst case my husband can stay at home with her and I'll go to the wedding on my own. I just feel sick when I think about leaving her but I'm sure things will be different once she's a little older.

Thanks again xx

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 10/11/2022 10:23

lifeinthehills · 10/11/2022 08:47

Advice: You know your own situation and whether you can and want to make it work to leave your baby, or not.

Experience: In the same situation, I didn't leave my baby and skipped the wedding.

Not right or wrong here, you need to decide if it works for you.

This.

I would not go, but plenty of people make it work. Only you know how you feel about it. Don't feel obligated to do anything.

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