Sending baby to nursery/childminder without choice

[Caughtinanap]

We’ve been planning for quite some time to ttc our first child together early next year.
I have a son from my previous relationship and my husband would love one of his own.
My fears I know are totally rational, yet I can’t shake them off in a way I managed to with my son. I’m looking ahead and I’m full of dread about sending the baby to nursery so I can return to work. I’m scared of missing out on many firsts, the risks of accidents or not so nice nursery workers/childminders, the costs involved and generally not being a very good parent.
I was very lucky with my son I was a SAHM as my ex was on very good money, I had no worries and enjoyed every moment. I won’t be so lucky this time round. We have no relatives to fall back on for help either.
i know it paints the picture of me not wanting a baby, I do more than anything, I’m just worried I’m being selfish and that the baby won’t have the upbringing my son has been lucky enough to have. My husband has been great and is doing his best to help with my concerns, yet most of all I just want to be a SAHM and raise my own baby my way but it’s not possible as they’ll be in a childcare setting from 8-6.
What I’m really asking is for those who felt the same could you please reassure me it was okay? That it’s a natural fear but it passes in time? Any help would be appreciated

Could you work part time? Save the childcare fees on the other days?

Unfortunately we couldn’t afford to get by if I cut my hours, but it would be ideal if I could as childcare may not seem so daunting if it was only a couple of hours a day.

Hey, I don't think your post paints a picture of you not wanting a baby....in fact quite the opposite! It's okay to feel anxious and protective as a mum, it's often dismissed, ridiculed or shamed by society to be that way,but, aslong as it doesn't turn into paranoia or cause the child anxiety or hold them back, its sometimes necessary.Our children deserve us to look out for their rights and needs.
I was very (admittedly unhealthily so) protective over my firstborn...I didn't go back to work because I felt I would be 'letting her down' if I did, and that i couldn't trust anybody to look after her properly.I was a SAHM for 2.5 years although we couldn't really afford it, but I felt I had no choice.
We unfortunately had a bad experience with her first preschool, but the two she attended after she flourished at and gradually we became more reassaured and seeing her make friendships and enjoy her time in her 'own little world' was actually really lovely.It showed me I COULD trust others to look after her, and it was a positive thing for her.
With DD2, I felt very different....we have found an amazing childminder and she treats our 1yo like she is her own, she is so flexible, nurturing and passionate about her job, she really goes above and beyond...its like leaving baby with family.She settled really well and we have never looked back.
I only work 2.5 days, so still plenty of time with her at home too.Could you work part time? I used to work in a nursery and 8-6 several days a week is alot for a baby to be doing lots of days there...if you must do that I would recommend a childminder as its so much more homely.There are good and bad childcare providers just like anything else, but just trust your instincts and make sure you choose someone/somewhere where you feel a) you and your child are respected and listened to b) the staff love what they do and the children they care for and c) they are flexible and understanding about doing a gradual settling in process so neither you or baby are flung in at the deep end.
Good luck x

It's very hard then. With 2 kids in nursery, it's actually cheaper for me work part time than full time! 1 child full time is 1. 2k a month where I am. I did work full time after my first child as I didn't want my career to suffer but it cost the equivalent of my entire wage. After my second I decided I needed and wanted more time with them. Is there anyway you can cut back on other things or arrange flexible working maybe?
Having said that, my first child did attend nursery full time and she loves it. She has really thrived and they do many wonderful things. If you're anxious, get talking to other parents and go and visit the settings to get a feel for what they're about.
Really feel for you OP, must be a tricky situation to be in.

Surely a good parent does their best for their child, which means sending them to nursery so that they can develop, learn and mix with other children. Plus, you will be able to financially support your child and model a good work ethic, as well as preserving your own independence - all good traits in a parent, I would thought.

I feel for you @Caughtinanap .
Im currently starting the settling in process for my DD at nursery. She is my first child and to be honest, I am struggling with the process.
I never thought I would have an issue with returning to work. I said before DD was born about how I couldnt see me lasting 12 months without working. Im not a workaholic, but I love my job.
I put provisions for flexible working in place which I didnt think would be accepted, but they were and my maternity leave is quickly running out.

Ive never really been a maternal person but this small human has literally changed me. I have been considering not returning to work and being a SAHM for the forseeable which I never thought Id say!
DH however is way more level headed.
DD needs the opportunity to grow, to learn how to interact with other adults and children. She will learn social skills that I cant teach her at home. He also keeps reminding me that it will be worse when packing her off to school without any previous experiences in a education setting.
She has done a few sessions, all be it short ones of a few hours each time.
Shes cried a bit on and off.
Ive cried A LOT all the time.
As soon as she is home she is back to playing and being happy. Not clingy or sad, just normal.

I feel like a failure by sending her when she is 1 as to me shes too young for it but I hope she gets the right experiences and it will also give me back some independance too.
It is so bloody hard so I sympathise.

Thank you for showing me an insight into the reality of it. I know it must be nerve wracking for all parents dropping their baby at nursery with strangers every day, I just feel very anxious that this will be their life from the onset. To be clear I’m focused on the stage of 9 months to 2/3 years old, as of course a 2+ Year old would benefit from nursery/ pre school, as did my son, it’s the baby stage I’m upset about. I’m sure parents who don’t send their children to nursery are good parents too 🤔

Long term, there's no benefit to having a SAHM. It doesn't have an impact on your child's development or success. It's just one way of doing it.

I've sent both my children to nursery at 10m without a moment's hesitation or doubt and they've both flourished.

Totally get your concerns, OP. I think @Hbh17’s post puts some of the benefits really well. I also think considering part time is a really good idea - unless you’re a very high earner the financial difference might not be as big as you think given the cost of childcare.

if you can’t do part time, could you look at compressing your hours - for example working five days in four? Means you get your full salary but an extra day with your baby.

With regard to your concerns about bad nursery workers etc, I found daynurseries.co.uk to be incredibly helpful. Reviews and lots of info about loads of childcare settings.

When I was pregnant with DS1, I always planned to return part time. We also have no family around so nursery/childminder is needed. We found a lovely nursery and DH compressed his hours into 4 days so we only pay for 2 days nursery. A really nice balance I think but I still coped horribly with my return. At that point, I'd have happily handed in my notice and been a SAHM. Which I'd never wanted (no disrespect to those that do, I just had a career I wanted to retain). I rode the storm for about 6 months and then started to see the benefits to everyone. I felt I had purpose outside of being a mum, DH had 1:1 time with DS, experiences at nursery that I wouldn't necessarily have done at home.

I'm now on maternity leave with DS2 and will do the same again. I know the initial settling stage is likely to be tricky and emotional for me but I know this time it will be worth it in the long run.

So would it be FT nursery?

I know it works for many parents, but it wouldn’t be my preference. I’ve found 3 days a week to be a really good mix.

Could you condense your hours.

My DS has been in nursery full time from around 6 months, though the first month of that was a phased start.

The start was a little bumpy, he was still mostly fed to sleep and didn’t have a dummy so there were definitely lots of tears around nursery nap times but the staff were happy for him to sleep on them if that was what he needed.

I also pumped at work until
he was 1 and sent in bottles and so the preparation of the pump and bottles was a lot for us at home, I didn’t have much capacity for anything other than work, baby and sleep.

Hes nearly 18months old now and he really enjoys nursery, he has a lovely bond with the staff there and is such a happy little boy. He’s delighted to run in at drop off and at pick up he’s happy to see us and wants to show me what he’s playing with. We get photos of what he’s up to throughout the day and a run down of what food he’s eaten and what his nappy changes have been. The nursery is a very warm and welcoming place and we also get on very well with the staff. I have confidence in their skills and expertise.

DS still breastfeeds morning and night and it’s a lovely way for us to re-connect after a day apart.

DS maybe goes to bed a bit later than other baby’s I know with parents who don’t work, we start bedtime or bath after 7:30 so we have time for some playing and a meal together before bed.

We really make the most of weekends, we try to have busy Saturdays with something fun for DS (usually the park) and then lazy Sundays where we enjoy lots of each other’s time. It feels like we have the balance right for us.

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM but wanted to give you some insight into the other side!

I've got two OP and worked FT with both of them from 9 months old. They're absolutely thriving. They're both in nursery full time but we absolutely do still parent them our way.

My only question would be how you're going to afford childcare if you can't afford to reduce your hours.

Are you the breadwinner? Could your DH reduce or condense his hours?