Feeling weird

[charliesmommma]

I have an 11mo. I’m in a good job (that I’m doing well in) so is my fiancé - DS’ dad. Our house is cosy we want bigger but right now isn’t the time for us to buy

2 months ago I had a termination. I fell pregnant accidentally (changed contraception to stop this again) and had to for my mental health. I couldn’t manage 2 very young kids. That’s the honesty. My DS isn’t the best sleeper, I’m so sleep deprived and after having him I struggled as first time mums do. I was so scared that another I’d spiral into PPD which isn’t fair on him or a new baby.

We knew it wasn’t what we wanted to do but we had to - I couldn’t have coped again

But now I just feel so odd when I see pregnancy announcements for around what would’ve been my due date (the hospital told me how far along I was) or after etc I feel a pang of sadness like I wish that could’ve been me

i wish we could afford to pay nursery fees double
i wish I could take a back burner on my job
i wish our house was a bit bigger
i wish I was mentally stronger

i wish I could’ve kept my baby and I think to myself “I look forward to the day when we can again@ and feel horrendous guilt

im so blessed with our son. I’m okay. I just have some unresolved feelings regarding this I think

It’s very normal to feel weird about it, and
normal to wish that circumstances were different too, but they aren’t and you made the right decision for your family. Let yourself feel your feelings but don’t beat yourself up about it. I hope things feel better soon and am sure they will.

This is so normal to feel this way. I went through a very similar experience in the first lockdown. Unexpected third, with a 2 yo and 6 mo baby. Lockdown, isolation, everything so uncertain. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope. Two years later I have moments where I really feel saddened by the decision and seem to see bumps, babies and announcements everywhere. It hurts and I do grieve. I’ve spent time really beating myself up over it. Equally, I know that how I felt at the time was really valid and that I did what was best for me and for us, as a family. It doesn’t make the feelings of sadness any less though. The only way I manage these feelings is to know that I did what was best for that moment in time and you can’t live regret that.
Let yourself go through the emotions and go easy on yourself. Time heals.