3yo so rude to me

[WildOnce]

For quite a while now my 3yo DS has been calling me ‘stupid mummy’, shouting at me, sometimes spitting in my face, hitting and biting. The physical stuff is not all the time but the name calling and defiance is. He does this to my husband too so it’s not just me. He’s an angel at pre-school and fine for his grandparents, if a bit stroppy occasionally.

I calmly repeat ad nauseum, ‘we don’t call people names’ and explain it upsets me. If it continues he has to go and cool down which mostly sends him apeshit. The only thing that stops this and the meltdown is if I breastfeed him which I really really don’t want to do anymore but does completely reset him so often do. He has. 2yo brother who still breastfeeds and he does still once a day.

I have completely lost patience with it now, it’s happening multiple times a day, and last night I really told him off and dragged him upstairs when he was shouting at me and putting paint all over the walls. I don’t want that to become a regular occurrence.

I’m at a loss - please help! He has a loving and secure home, I don’t think there is anything amiss.

Should really say ‘to us’ his dad gets it too as mentioned above.

I get it I really do. But when he’s in the middle of a meltdown sending him off to ‘cool down’ is only going to cause more harm than good. When toddlers are in that moment, that mindset, that’s when they need you more than ever. I get it’s incredibly hard but the only thing you can do is to stay calm and try and hug him and reassure him.

sure, you’ll get the posters that say no he needs to learn you’re the parent blah blah

but imagine you and your partner are having a row, you’re upset and he starts shouting at you to calm down - is thag going to calm you down? No. Imagine he then marches you up to the bedroom to chill out - is that going to help? No it’s just gunna leave you feeling unsupported and unloved

your little boy can’t control his emotions or self regulate yet.

Sending him off to calm down is bound to send him apeshit when the alternative is being held close to you to breastfeed, they are polar opposites. He’s at a really difficult age where he can’t control his emotions and won’t no how to stop himself going into meltdown so I’d try and find a new way of resetting him that allows him to stay close to you but without breastfeeding.

With DD I just had to sit on the floor near her and try and let her no that I understood how frustrated she was, and that it was ok to come for a cuddle. I didn’t allow bad behaviour but once they reach that meltdown stage there’s no point shouting and dragging them around as then both of you have lost control. Threenagers are so difficult you have my sympathy OP!

I think it's the age. My 3yo is the same but is calming down slightly now.
When my eldest was 3, she got so bad that I genuinely considered hiring a child psychologist/behaviouralist to document her behaviour and see if it was normal. Thankfully she grew out of it and is now a lovely 4yo (nearly 5).
I've bought a series of books that are called 'hands are not for hitting', 'teeth are not for biting', 'feet are not for kicking' etc and they seem to have helped somewhat.

Keep your chin up mum! You're doing a great job. Toddlers are just twats 😂 xx

Thanks everyone, this is all really reassuring and I needed to hear that it’s normal and your takes on current methods. The cool down thing was me just feeling totally helpless and relying on the older styles of parenting I was used to as a kid. It makes things worse and creates more of a battleground. Any hint he is being ‘told off’ makes him ramp it up.

Calm firm boundaries and love are the way to go. Every now and then I need a ‘reset’ as we both become quite ‘entrenched’ and antagonistic of each other (we are v similar characters). This has really helped, he’ll respond much better I know and I’ll be able to keep calm. I so want him to be happy.