To have a third or not? What was your experience?

[gemloving]

I have two little boys, 3 & 1, age gap is 2.3 years. My heart longs for a third child. It's two little boys and most people ask, are you going for a girl and to be honest, it doesn't matter. In a way, I feel like I know what to do with boys, what to expect so there is no preference. I might not even find out if we decided to have another one.

I just always thought we'll have 3 but I also have a career, so does my husband. Financially we're fine, even if we did have a third but I worry about our time. It's hard enough finding a baby sitter for 2, would we ever have any 1:1 time for ourselves and I know this sounds completely selfish, I know motherhood means sacrifices.

How did you make the decision? Did you just know?

I wouldn’t say I just knew, as it took us a long time to set aside all the obvious logical reasons for stopping at 2 and to work up the courage to actually go for it and not just talk about it. But at the same time the idea never went away, my husband and I always noticed families of three children, I was always googling it. And eventually that became our answer. We knew that if we left it we’d always wonder what if. All that dithering and indecision meant we have a 4 year gap between our second and third but actually that works great. They’re close enough in age to enjoy each other’s company but I had time with our youngest at home when the children were at school early on and they can help and understand the pulls on our time better. So for us it was the best decision. I had lots of unexpected health issues when pregnant with our third but I wouldn’t change it. And the minute he arrived I knew with absolute certainty that we were done. I got that feeling of certainty that had been missing when we just had two.

We thought we'd have 3 but stopped at 2 and I have zero regrets.

I think that adding children to a family has more negatives than positives. There's less time for each child, less money, fewer opportunities, more logistical complications and less time for the parents to have to themselves, which has a negative impact on the kids too.

I’ve never done the whole make a big decision thing tbh.
The thing is, you have your first because you want to be a mother: normal biological feeling. You have a second basically because you want a sibling and you don’t want a one child family. There are then no good logical reasons to have more. So any formal decision making process will only result in deciding it’s not the best thing..less money, less time, upset career, less attention per child, health risk, body ruined, more sleepless nights…
So I’ve never gone down the big make a decision route. We are lucky in that I don’t work and our financials are good. So we’ve just kind of gone with the flow whenever it felt like an okay time. I have four. Absolutely no regrets!

@Himawarigirl thank you for your detailed response.

@MolliciousIntent thank you!

@Catcharolo after your message, I would have thought your number of children would be different but I love that you have 4.

Haha! Well I love having babies and if I thought too much about it and was all sensible then I wouldn’t have had so many! So I just didn’t overthink it!

We’ve got 3 and it’s perfect. Age gaps are 3 years and 16 months. Only difficult thing has been 2 in nappies and needing a double buggy for a while. Ongoing issues with holidays, cars, family tickets for thinks - everything is geared for a family of 4. Less time, less money, fewer opportunity etc hasn’t rung true for us.

They are all late teens now

I have 3. They are 10, 8 and 6.

I love them all deeply and number 3 made our family complete in a way that it wasn’t before. But, I think it’s fair to say, that number 3 also nearly killed me off and if I had known then what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

i went for 3 with a reluctant DH, and ended up with twins. Was very tough on our relationship and finances, I work, but wouldn’t live without them. Conscious that two older ones have less attention than they would have otherwise though.

I would also say that I also never made a big decision, just like the @Catcharolo . Number 2 was always my middle child, even when he was born I knew I wasn’t finished.

I knew 100% that I was finished having children when I was pregnant with DS3. He was always the last.

(I do really love him. Please don’t take my previous post as a regret that he’s here!)

I'd blithely assumed that when you already have 2, a third wouldn't add enormously to the workload. I was wrong. Having 3 was quite humbling, in that all the things you smugly thought you'd done right with the first two, it turns out it was just luck. And with five in a family, that's 10 different relationships that can be working well or badly (as opposed to 6 with a family of 4, if I've done my maths right), so there's a lot more potential for people not getting on with each other - and the flip side, of course, that there's more chance of some relationships going really well. Holidays are a pain with everywhere designed for 4. Friendships with other families/mums are also a little harder in my experience, as no other family 'matches' yours as they do when you have two with a fairly normal gap. I would do it all again, no question - my 3 are my world - but don't do it lightly.

I have 3, and like others, it wasn't really a big decision.
3 (or 4) seems very normal in both our families.
3 is a grand number of dc to have. I realise I am biased, but I think it is the best number.
but I also have a career, so does my husband. Financially we're fine, even if we did have a third but I worry about our time. It's hard enough finding a baby sitter for 2, would we ever have any 1:1 time for ourselves

We both have careers
We did struggle financially when they were young (although were at our poorest, when dc1 and then dc 2 were born) but, you spend what you have.
We've had plenty of babysitters over the years, as didn't really have family who could, or would babysit - we paid teens generally.

I just knew I wanted a third baby. DH took a little persuading but he agreed when he realised how much I wanted another. Sure enough son number three arrived and no regrets, he completed our family wonderfully. It was bloody hard work with three under four for a while though, but worth it.

We just knew we wanted 3 and it’s amazing. Hard work but wonderful, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
We both have careers but make it work. Our third has brought us immeasurable joy (as have the other 2!)