Kids refusing to go to school

[WL2]

Hey has anyone else had the same problem. My 2 boys (7&5) point blank wont go to school. They literally kick/hit/scream/fake being sick so they don't have to go. I have spoken to teachers and they have said everything is fine that they get along great with all the class etc. It's hard to get them both sorted and out the door when they are both like that because they are very strong and I'm on my own as there dad is in work. Has anyone any tips on how I could hopefully get this resolved.

From experience in working with families I'd ask the following questions

• are you dressed and ready before they get up so they know the intention is that you are going to leave the house
• what happens when they don't go to school? Are they allowed to watch tv, play on consoles etc. Is it more fun being at home than it is in school. If it is, then make sure it's not
• who is the instigator? I'm assuming it's the 7 year old because it's unusual for a 5 year old not to want to go to school and the 5 year old is just copying. If so, concentrate on getting him sorted first. I wouldn't worry about perfect school uniform, just about getting out of the house.
• are their any rewards in place for going to school? A trip to somewhere they like, even McDonald's can be an incentive
• is there any reason you can think of that they don't want to leave you?
• is there anyone linked to the school that can come and help, do they have an Education Welfare Officer?

That's for starters. I know that this can be very difficult for parents. Good luck.

I forced, cajoled, bribed and carried my now 9 year old into school for years. Until it all came to head and her mental health was so bad she was talking about wanting to die. In the end I deregistered and we now home educate. Sorry no easy solution 😞

No I still don’t think he has any sen and the school themselves told me they don’t believe he has sen he makes friends outside of school in the park and at clubs he just doesn’t like school so won’t speak to anyone there. I’m aware it’s common for ND children to dislike school but that doesn’t mean NT children don’t also dislike school sometimes.

My dd had this issue about the same age. We identified that the problem was partly the transition, she struggles going from one thing to another and partly the noise, crowdedness and adults in the playground in the morning. School were really supportive we had an arrangement where I could take her in early and we would read in the classroom together before school. Her older sister would invariably come with us or wait outside for her friends. If we were having a particularly bad morning we agreed I would take her in 15 mins after the bell had gone when all would be quiet and this worked well especially if she was a bit agitated in the morning, it took the pressure off all round. It is hard with two as I found they escalated each other and it's impossible to take them at different times! There were many a morning I'd drop them off and then leave in tears as it was so stressful. I hope you are able to work something out, and that the school are supportive. I always found it impacted my whole day when the mornings were worse.

Can your husband help more and go to work later?

Because he doesn’t like school? Ok then. Well he’s not. Literally zero other traits.

@SpinningFloppa You said your third child won't talk to anyone at school. That's very unusual. Are you sure there's no sn?

Oh sorry, didn't see your last post

But refusal to speak is a sign ?

< bitter experience of ASD Dd who won’t speak in certain situations>

If there is no SN, Y2 can be the onset of serious bullying. Check it thoroughly. If it's just his behaviour make life at home boring to the point of being miserable, no tech, all chores that he does with you for a full day. (cleaning, folding, gardening, hoovering, cooking, old style, no TV only the news, even worse: the news on the radio). He cannot leave you for a second. No toys. Only adult focused things. The smaller one is just copying the biggest so I would have a chosen day were no matter the cost the smallest one goes to school and you "stay the biggest one". A "fun day with Mommy". By midday he might think school is a bit interesting. Also no tech during term time. His work is to go to school the reward is tech time during vacation.

Well that is interesting. Thank you.

Both my children started refusing school at a similar age OP. They acted very similar from what you’ve written.

We now home educate. Not as many meltdowns now but it’s hard work. We are fortunate we can make it work at the moment.

I do suspect ASD if I am honest.

Yes that’s what I’m saying whilst it may be a sign it’s the only sign and he is not going to get diagnosed on one trait he would need to have impairments in other areas which he does not, not talking can also be a sign of other things like anxiety (which is what I believe is the case) on it’s own it would not be enough to meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis.

But it’s a communication disorder if he’s too anxious to speak?

And anxiety often accompanies ASD.

My Dd was very subtle. So subtle. It was only because I’d been a teacher l wondered. The first thing was refusing to wear anything with buttons in at about 2. She was super chatty, smiley and engaging as a baby and toddler.

Then at 4 she began to have spectacular meltdowns after school. But was always perfect at school. I knew this was a symptom but I didn’t really think she was.

Theres been other very subtle things. None of it was obvious.

Would it help if dad started work later to help get them out?

I’m just trying to help😬

But your chances of having autism are much higher if other close family members have it.

You have 2 dc with it, and one who hates going to school and can’t communicate at school due to anxiety in that situation. Even if he shows no other symptoms, the siblings, anxiety and refusal to speak should prompt an assessment. In the kindest way, it’s just glaringly obvious.

im sorry if l upset you. Hth x

Just to say I have 3 ds. Ds1 is autistic- loves school and has to be really really poorly to not go in. Ds2 has adhd - terribly bullied and is now home educated (by LA not us). Ds3 is completely NT - hates school, always has, has always wanted to be at home, luckily with lots of cajoling he does go and he is the one child who benefits from whole school attendance rewards (which I don't really agree with!)

I have no answers unfortunately. I would speak to them, speak to school, maybe look at a reward system (again I am not a big fan of these but it works for ds3)

I was lucky that initially ds1 and ds2 loved school but it is now trickier as ds2 is at home.

I’m not saying all ASD are school refusers.

But the large majority of school refusers are ASD.