Newborn phase - avoiding pnd

[k80pie]

Hello, I have a three week old DD (my second, DS is 4.5yo) and so back in the thick of the newborn phase again after several years.

I’m finding it takes so long to get her into a deep sleep each time after feeds, she wants to be held to sleep (won’t stay asleep next to me on bed, even if I wanted to cosleep) and I have to ensure she’s really in a deep sleep before attempting to put her in her basket. This can mean I don’t finally crawl into bed until two hours after the feed, with only an hour ish before she wakes again for next feed if I’m lucky. I’m so so tired and want to avoid PND but it’s hard to keep happy when I’m sitting in a dark bedroom half the night desperate for sleep. I find the failed put-down is just soul destroying and it’s no wonder people end up with postnatal anxiety walking around on eggshells like this!

I know she’s tiny and needs to be held and I’m happy to do that but I also need sleep to function as a healthy mum. Any help on a swifter settling rhythm post feed so it doesn’t take up the whole cycle? (Not willing to cosleep as too frightened will smother her)

Feed the baby and then hand her to her dad to settle, and go to sleep. At least for the first half of the night.

Have you tried swaddling? Using a Love to Dream swaddle suit really made difference in those awful early weeks for us.

Before we discovered the swaddle, I would put her in the sling after a feed and walk around the house until she was asleep. Bonkers I know but it was the only thing that worked!

I’ve done this a few times but he’s exhausted from looking after DS and running house, it was so much easier tag teaming with the first baby because there was no one else to look after!

i'm afraid i'm of no help but i find the only way i get any sleep with my newborn is by co-sleeping. It was driving me absolutely insane the way he wanted to be fed and held ALL the time. sleep-deprivation is worse than hunger!

if your breastfeeding would it be possible to express a bottle and hand her over to your partner for a few hours while you get some kip?

dc2 was formula fed and slept like a dream as the formula was so heavy, it literally used to knock him out. but the breastfed ones were exactly as u described and co sleeping with them brought my sanity back.

The worst is when people say sleep when baby sleeps🤦🏻‍♀️

Hang in there, you've done so well to have held it together for so long on such little sleep, it does get easier and I hope someone can come along with some more useful and practical advice x

Yes I wrap her in a swaddle every time, but it is a faff getting her into it and I risk waking her up! And if I do it while she’s awake it gets all unraveled by the time I’ve held her a while. Maybe I need one of these special swaddles…

Thank you for being so kind!!! I know it’s not sustainable for me running on empty like this, but then I think about how mums do it all the time - yes she is bf.

re the cosleeping, how do you burp them post-feed then lie them back down awake and happy to go back to sleep? DD always has at least three burps and she won’t stay asleep on the bed more than 15mins anyway before she wakes and cries to be picked up and held to sleep…

I have 4 kids (and number 4 must have been born on almost the exact same day as your baby!) so I’m with you in the newborn haze! I have to second the previous poster - the only way I get sleep at this stage is co sleeping. I was totally anti co sleeping with my first and had exactly the problem you are describing. He’d wake every time I moved him to his Moses basket. I was so delirious with sleep deprivation that I’d hallucinate that my baby was halfway up the wall.
With my second I asked my husband to sleep temporarily in the spare room (because I wouldn’t trust him not to roll on baby!) and I co slept. Got sooo much more sleep, wasn’t delirious or even that exhausted. And I’ve done it with each baby since. For me to feel comfortable with it I put baby in a sleeping bag and nowhere near my duvet. I gently move him away from me when he’s dropped off so I can’t roll on him (although I never seem to move!). Baby doesn’t move at all so not worried about him falling off the bed. I don’t burp him, he just goes to sleep.

When they reach 4 months I like to move them into a cot in their own room. This has worked really well for all of them. Hope this helps!!

Yet another failed put-down, after holding her for an hour. I was just creeping back into bed.

I do think you should reconsider co sleeping. I didn’t think I would do it but get so much more sleep now. As the weeks have gone on, I’ve been able to get LO in the next to me crib for the first stretch of the night, so only co sleep for the second stretch now.

Hope things get easier for you!

Thanks @Magssss . Can I ask, how do your other kids handle you being with the newborn? I feel terribly guilty for being with the baby all the time in front of my DS and unable to really do anything with him given she’s always sleeping or feeding on me, or I’m trying to sleep or shower - do I need to just hang in there a bit longer til we’re past newborn phase?

Hi @k80pie, we’re in such a similar situation: my DD was born just over 3 weeks ago and I also have a 4 year old DS (nearly 5)!

I’ll second what everyone else has said: DD starts off in her moses basket and then during the night, she comes in with me. I put the basket on the floor right next to my side of the bed, in case she were to roll out (very unlikely but suggested by midwife) and then I sleep in the middle of the bed with her on the outside edge. Means I’m not very near her and my duvet isn’t at risk of covering her. This has been a complete game changer: I was so tired with DS but so far, I haven’t felt anywhere near that level of exhaustion this time around.

You are going to be ok - it is going to be ok. I couldn’t make Co sleeping work either, as you describe. She would just wake up as soon as I laid her next to me. So I treated it like a challenge - tried all sorts of things to get her in her Moses basket. Eventually landed on a funny little routine of feeding to sleep, rocking for ten mins until in deep sleep, popping her into Moses basket in her love to dream swaddle (I fed her in it) having had a hot water bottle in there first to warm the basket and then hand on her chest for a few seconds to ensure she was settled. Keep experimenting you will find a way. You’re doing so well!

re the cosleeping, how do you burp them post-feed then lie them back down awake and happy to go back to sleep? DD always has at least three burps and she won’t stay asleep on the bed more than 15mins anyway before she wakes and cries to be picked up and held to sleep…
*
if i'm sleeping with the baby i don't burp.
I lay down on my side with him with my breast exposed. I place my arm under his head for support and latch him on. And then we both fall asleep. he will sleep latched on and eventually the nipple will fall out of his mouth. Then during the night when he wakes for more milk, I'll re latch him and fall back asleep again. I don't have to sit up to relatch him as i'm already in position.
Obviously you have to trust your instinct, I know i'm aware of baby next to me and I wouldn't roll on to him i also make sure i don't have too much bedding around me. so theres no chance of him slipping under it. If i feel like Im extremely exhausted and tired then i'll sleep him in the side sleeping cot. x*

I just want to say thank you to everyone for your responses - your kind words made me tearful.

@MolliciousIntent Hsnding her over immediately post feed bought me four hours of undisturbed sleep last night, it was amazing. I had been handing her over after unsuccessfully trying to settle and that just wasn’t giving me enough time.

I’ll be trying bits from all of your advice, I so appreciate everyone’s understanding and kindness <3

@k80pie I'm so glad to hear it. It can be really, really hard to ask for help, especially when you're breastfeeding, it feels like all things baby are Your Job, particularly in the early days. But it sounds like you've got a good partner, and you not being broken is in everyone's best interests. Share the load. You deserve sleep. Well done you for giving it a go.

So tonight we’ve hit a new low - 2.30am and still up, I can’t get her in the basket, and I can’t get her to sleep next to me in the bed. I put her there and lie down next to her and she just cries. I tried to feed her to sleep but after a full feed she writhes and cries needing burping, and then I can’t lie her down again without her crying.
I can’t sit here in the chair with her on me all night and my partner already did three hours of this tonight and is now trying to get some sleep.
She even wakes on me every ten mins or so and cries, so getting her in a deep enough sleep to try and put her down again might be impossible.
I don’t know how we will get through this :(

You really are in the thick of it right now. I think things got dramatically better for us 5/6 weeks in. I wonder if even if your little one cries when you lie them down next to you wherever you could just sssh and stroke them and see if they drift off after a few mins? If not it could be silent reflux in which case you may we’ll need to hold upright on you for 15/20 mins until fast asleep and then put down? I really hope you are ok - it’s so so tough x

Thanks so much @whateverintheworld . Nothing soothes her once she’s mad about being put down, only being picked up!

And last night I tried every possible combo of waiting 10mins, 30mins, 1.5hrs, to put her down - all failed. Five mins in she starts wriggling and realises she’s swaddled in bed and that’s it! Arrrrgggghhhhhhhhh

Got GP in two weeks for immunisations - will ask about reflux etc then - or should I try to see someone sooner?

Hi, I know this is an older post but I am wondering how things are for you. I have a 7 week old, formula fed. He has always been a fussy sleeper and would grunt and groan horrendously all night (more than normal baby noises) but he would usually stay asleep through this until he was hungry a couple of hours later.

For the last two weeks he has been waking up at night every 20/30 (if we are lucky) minutes once put down, often it’s about 5/10 minutes.

He isn’t hungry and will feed every 3/4 hours but the constant waking and needing settling in between is intense.

During the day he will sleep on me in the carrier for an hour at a time but he is very hit and miss with pram/car seat/swing etc and often wakes again after 5/10 minutes. he stirs constantly if we do manage to get him to sleep.

I have even tried co sleeping even though it’s not recommended for formula fed babies but that is exactly the same as if we put him in the next to me.

I suspect he has silent reflux, Gaviscon hasn’t helped!!

Any advice on things which helped for you would be much appreciated.

@J0D13Ann Hello, I’m sorry to hear things are tough right now! All I can say is - time sorted it out. She is 4.5 months now and those early weeks already seem long ago. I can’t remember exactly when she started sleeping a bit more deeply (and therefore easier to put down, and stay asleep) - but it was probably around the 10/12 week mark.

The best thing I did was to try to accept that it was temporary, and to try and get sleep by whatever means necessary - getting my partner to settle her after a late feed round 10pm ish, while I got some sleep (he would hold her til she was asleep enough to put down). So at least I could have a stint of 3 or 4 hours at the start of the night. Could you and your partner split the night so you do one half and they do the other? Tricky with work and other commitments etc I know. Even if it means going to bed at 7 or 8pm for a couple of weeks to get in some crucial hours.

Are you definitely getting up all his burps post feed? That always makes my baby writhe and wake if I haven’t. But also - she doesn’t spill much now. I think their tummies just mature, and maybe your LO just needs a bit more time?

Hugs - it’s really tough - hang in there! Message if you need!

Thank you so much for replying.

It does give me hope things will get better but it’s hard to see that when you are in it isn’t it.

My partner has the baby downstairs 8-12(ish) so I can sleep for a few hours thankfully. I had imagined by now we would have more of a rhythm (not expecting a routine) by now but it definitely feels like survival mode still.

We have just been prescribed a hydrolysed formula to trial for CMPA which could be causing the silent reflux. It’s not going down well so far but we will persevere for two weeks to see if things settle!!