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Original poster

Only allowed to see 2/3 of partners children

21 replies

olivia1705 · 07/11/2022 09:46

Hello! This is my first post on here, looking for some advice on a situation.

My partner of two years has 3 children, all boys. A 12- & 10-year-old from a teenage relationship, and a 3-year-old from a marriage.

I am very actively involved in the 12- & 10-year-olds lives and their mother and her side of their family really respect me and the role I play. Over the past two years I have got both boys involved in sport, including picking them up a couple of times a week while my partner has been working to take them, making sure they're including in holidays abroad, taking them to hospital appointments when needed, and most recently the 10 year old has expressed interest in going to grammar school (his mum is on job seekers and wouldn't be able to afford it) so I said I'd be more than happy to pay half with my partner and this is something he really wants to do.

Overall, I have a really good relationship with both boys and love them with all my heart.

My partner also has a 3-year-old who I have never met and doesn't know anything about me. To some context to this, his mother is Latvian and after their marriage ended, she took him to Latvia and has been a bit difficult about everything since.

The marriage wasn't a happy one to say the least, and as a result my partner attempted suicide on multiple occasions. The boys hated and still hate her, she made it very clear she didn't like them, to the extremes she refused to do their washing as the boys in her eyes weren't anything to do with her.

Now this is where it starts to get a bit more complicated. My partners ex-wife refused to let me see their son when she was still living in our town because she was jealous that my partner had moved on and she'd lost control and made every excuse in the book as to why I couldn't see him. When she left the country, the arrangement was he'd spend a week in England and my partner would spend a week in Latvia every year, and that they'd video call every Sunday. For the past year I've been sent out of the room when his son calls, including on boxing day when the whole expended family was round, the boys at times have become very upset over it. Every time my partner has mentioned him coming to stay here, she says no because of me.

The situation which has really upset me today is she has texted to say she'll be coming here for a few days and my partner can have him. I haven't said anything back because I am dreading being told I'm not allowed to meet him. After everything I feel I've done for the other boys I think this will truly break my heart.

P.S. a bit of background about me, I'm a professional, who is a Director of Marketing and a School Govenor.

Apologies for the long post but I'm so upset I don't know how to respond. Thank you.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 09:54

I have no suggestions regarding the 3 year old but surely if You are a school governor You would know that you do not pay for grammar school.

beAsensible1 · 07/11/2022 10:00

I think for ease i'd take a step back. what more important the 3 year old building a relationship with their father and sibling or you being included in that relationship?

Especially as things are so fraught with the mother at the moment, once she feels secure hope fully things will ease if not then possibly push the issue if you two decide to marry etc etc.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 07/11/2022 10:05

Be grateful for what relationships you have with the older dc. Neither of you is getting far with the 3 yo. Let dh build what bridges he can. When he has the dc whenever that may be she can't stop you being around him. That is for his df to decide. But he should be getting legal advice. In the future that dc will be old enough to travel alone. Small steps now will pay off imo.

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caringcarer · 07/11/2022 10:05

I think OP means she would buy expensive uniform and books to help him progress. Probably chip in for school trips too. No advise really but lots of sympathy. So many Mums would be so grateful of support you are giving partners children. I think this Latvian Mum is excluding you out of spite.

clpsmum · 07/11/2022 10:08

Your parented needs to go to court for access to his son.

liveforsummer · 07/11/2022 10:08

It's a difficult situation but you have no relationship with the boy so I'm not sure why it's upsetting you so much. Given the circumstances you're never going to have what you do with the other boys. It's sad for the child that he's not seeing his dad more or know his brothers but with such sporadic contact, a relationship with you isn't really necessary. His dad is pretty much a stranger so he may not want to come and stay with him anyway?!

clpsmum · 07/11/2022 10:08

Partner sorry (bloody predictive text)). They need a proper child access plan in place

liveforsummer · 07/11/2022 10:09

clpsmum · 07/11/2022 10:08

Your parented needs to go to court for access to his son.

He'd have to go to court in Latvia though. Now the child has moved he's no longer under the jurisdiction of Uk courts. That needed done before he moved away

lunar1 · 07/11/2022 10:12

The priority for this visit has to be your partner and son having time together. How often do they see each other?

TerraNostra · 07/11/2022 10:16

Why do you care? If I'm honest you sound quite snooty about the older kids and their mother- "I'm a professional" vs "the Mum is on jobseekers" and "I got them into sport" as if a Mum who isn't a school governor would not know how to take her kids to a five a side match.

You don't know the Latvian child and he lives in a foreign country. Your DH has the relationship with his child that he agreed with the mother, which only involves a week a year in the U.K. Why do you need to be around during that week and on the face time calls? What does a Latvian toddler get from a long-distance relationship with his Dad's girlfriend? It's not about you.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 07/11/2022 10:17

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 09:54

I have no suggestions regarding the 3 year old but surely if You are a school governor You would know that you do not pay for grammar school.

This.

clpsmum · 07/11/2022 10:26

@liveforsummer oh dear didn't realise that. OP. Your DH really should have sorted all this before his child moved overseas. Why on earth did he agree to only two weeks a year access??? Your DH needs to get his act together if he wants a relationship with his son.

ThanksAntsThants · 07/11/2022 10:28

Is your partner happy with the current arrangements with his youngest DC? I would assume from your OP that he’s satisfied enough, given that the child is three years old and he’s not done anything about it. Leave it. It’s his child not yours, you have no right to meet him or have any sort of relationship with him, I’m not sure what do you think you do, TBH?.

if your partner is unhappy with the arrangement, it’s his responsibility to remedy the situation, and if that means going to court in a foreign country, then so be it. He has allowed the situation to develop into what it is now, so it’s on him to sort it out if he now doesn’t like what he’s allowed to happen. Again though, it’s got nothing to do with you,.

ThanksAntsThants · 07/11/2022 10:30

Why you think you do*

Chimna · 07/11/2022 10:33

You've only been together two years. Seems abit soon to love his other children or be heart broken over not meeting his child. You need to calm down and back off.

Phos · 07/11/2022 10:34

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 09:54

I have no suggestions regarding the 3 year old but surely if You are a school governor You would know that you do not pay for grammar school.

There are loads of schools called “grammar school” which are actually independent schools. Could be one of those.

kingtamponthefurred · 07/11/2022 10:36

Why are you so desperate to be a stepmother?

badassbaby · 07/11/2022 10:36

olivia1705 · 07/11/2022 09:46

Hello! This is my first post on here, looking for some advice on a situation.

My partner of two years has 3 children, all boys. A 12- & 10-year-old from a teenage relationship, and a 3-year-old from a marriage.

I am very actively involved in the 12- & 10-year-olds lives and their mother and her side of their family really respect me and the role I play. Over the past two years I have got both boys involved in sport, including picking them up a couple of times a week while my partner has been working to take them, making sure they're including in holidays abroad, taking them to hospital appointments when needed, and most recently the 10 year old has expressed interest in going to grammar school (his mum is on job seekers and wouldn't be able to afford it) so I said I'd be more than happy to pay half with my partner and this is something he really wants to do.

Overall, I have a really good relationship with both boys and love them with all my heart.

My partner also has a 3-year-old who I have never met and doesn't know anything about me. To some context to this, his mother is Latvian and after their marriage ended, she took him to Latvia and has been a bit difficult about everything since.

The marriage wasn't a happy one to say the least, and as a result my partner attempted suicide on multiple occasions. The boys hated and still hate her, she made it very clear she didn't like them, to the extremes she refused to do their washing as the boys in her eyes weren't anything to do with her.

Now this is where it starts to get a bit more complicated. My partners ex-wife refused to let me see their son when she was still living in our town because she was jealous that my partner had moved on and she'd lost control and made every excuse in the book as to why I couldn't see him. When she left the country, the arrangement was he'd spend a week in England and my partner would spend a week in Latvia every year, and that they'd video call every Sunday. For the past year I've been sent out of the room when his son calls, including on boxing day when the whole expended family was round, the boys at times have become very upset over it. Every time my partner has mentioned him coming to stay here, she says no because of me.

The situation which has really upset me today is she has texted to say she'll be coming here for a few days and my partner can have him. I haven't said anything back because I am dreading being told I'm not allowed to meet him. After everything I feel I've done for the other boys I think this will truly break my heart.

P.S. a bit of background about me, I'm a professional, who is a Director of Marketing and a School Govenor.

Apologies for the long post but I'm so upset I don't know how to respond. Thank you.

Stop making the situation all about you.
And I agree...get off your high horse. No one needed to know that you're a "professional", that had zero to do with your story.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2022 10:46

You’ve been with your boyfriend for two years, you’re massively over invested. It’s like you don’t think he and their mum were at all capable of bringing them up before you swept in to save them, why is that? If he dumps you you’ll never see them again. You seriously need to back off. You shouldn’t love them like your own, it’s a ridiculous thing to say. They’re not your own, they have a mum and dad and you’re a bonus but they’d have been fine if you hadn’t got them into sport or whatever.

You equally shouldn’t be heartbroken about not getting to spend time with a very young child you’ve never even met. He’s coming to see his dad, leave them to it!

Get a hobby. Your boyfriends kids aren’t there to give you a project. It’s worrying how much you’re trying to take over.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 10:53

It does not sound like you have dc yourself? Please tell me you have not joined as a school governor at your boyfriends boys school? That is really over stepping the mark in my opinion if You have.

Clymene · 07/11/2022 10:59

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/11/2022 09:54

I have no suggestions regarding the 3 year old but surely if You are a school governor You would know that you do not pay for grammar school.

Not to mention the fact that a 10 year old would have had to have taken the 11+ in September and they would already know his results Hmm

Plus the deadline for secondary school applications is 31 October HmmHmmHmm

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