Coparenting - Exh refusing to update me - advice needed please

[Beebumbled]

Posting for a friend so she remains anonymous and sharing this link with her to read replies. Please let me know if there’s a better place to post and any advice for her would be very very welcome. Thank you in advance.

”Ladies. Ive been thinking about writing this post for the longest time.

I split up with my ex in Jan when my little boy was 6 months old. The first 6 months of my sons life i tried so hard to get them to bond and go on date nights and fight for my marriage but the last straw was being told he checked out when i was pregnant (we planned our family and he was pushing me to do it sooner rather than later).

We have been trying to coparent since and are trying to divorce, i now end up with anxiety at every drop off and have even resorted to having visitors to stop another doorstep argument about whatever he wants or doesnt want this week. I feel I have no control over me and my sons lives and it’s his way or the high way in every situation. If i dare to not agree or dispute he uses my son against me by dropping him an hour late with no message and not answering my calls when i got worried. He has now said when he has our son he will not update me as he is his dad and not a babysitter. I ask for an update once a day when he has our son which I don’t think is unreasonable. I am so scared of trying to deal with this for 18 years and im sick of smiling at my son through the tears. He is coming after me in the divorce (i was the breadwinner but helped him with time and support of our home in him starting 2 businesses), he is constantly trying to change things with my son and i try so hard to be nice and make being a dad convenient for him.

Anyway there is alot more to it and if you have read this far thank you - a friend of mine spoke to me about domestic abuse and i dont know if my situation would be considered that - but honestly i feel hopeless and depressed and everyday the thing that keeps me going is my son but i cant carry on like this and there is so many parts to this I honestly dont know where to go for help. I have divorce solictors already but i just feel i have no clue where to turn anymore if anywhere.

Sorry for the long post it could have been 10 times this but any help and guidance would be appreciated.”

Look up the 'grey rock' technique. And ignore his comments, his threats etc. He will eventually find it's too much energy for no reaction from you.

Seek legal advice and a Contact Arrangements Order as soon as you can. If and when he breaches it, you can build up evidence of breaches of the order which will be very helpful for you in controlling his behaviour with your son in the future.

Definitely agree with Grey Rock, look it up OP.

If this were to go to court they would not enforce or expect him to update you during his short parenting time.

Why do you feel the need for updates? Co-parenting is incredibly challenging and there will be lots of sacrifices you have to make in order for you both to co-parent successfully. One of your sacrifices might need to be to give up the updates.

Pick your battles very carefully because conflict is what harms children in the longer term.

I know it's hard, especially when they're so little, but he's under absolutely no obligation to send you updates. Any decent human would send you a quick text, but it doesn't sound like he is one, so this is something you're going to have to get used to. If he's messing you around with contact get a court order put in place.