4 month old will only stop crying when I hold him

[JessieLongleg]

Baby just turned 4 months, suspected colic. GP said comfort him more, he feeds a lot as in he is long enough to fit into 6-9 months clothes. As soon as I put him down even if I set him up with toys etc he screams after about 5 mins or less. He is changed etc. How do I cope, can't even get basic cleaning of myself done. Like my nails need cutting. Now I need to clean heater, close the curtains is nursing. As soon as he falls asleep he will cry if I put him down. To be honest I need him to sleep or he will get really tired. I've tried coming back to him I'm rarely out of the room. My mum can handle him but lives on the other side of the country and cares for my reluctant step dad. My husband shouldn't be living with me, refuses to pay his way, and gets very stressed at baby crying. Even when I get the baby bath fill I have husband on my case to hurry before the baby cries. The one time I left the baby with him after popping into a shop came out to find the baby in the car alone screaming wildly with husband saying can't cope. I can't carry the baby everywhere, as some women boast about, as I have mobility problems. The times I've had to leave him as in eat, toilet etc he cries and will not stop by himself. Anyone got any advice on how to settle him when not holding him?

Does he have a dummy?
Have you tried movement eg a baby swing or rocking him in a pram?
White noise?

It's ok to put him safely in a seat for example and put him somewhere he can see you while you eat or shower - even if he cries, you need to look after yourself too.

Have you got a carrier? There’s a lot you can do with a baby on you if you’re hands free. Colic just means unexplained crying, it’s not a diagnosis it’s a symptom.
Your baby could just be a bit more sensitive, it’s very normal for them to want to be held

Sorry accidentally sent.

all the time - but could it be something like CMPA? Is it worse when they’re flat on their back so prefer to be upright? How’s their poo? Any swollen tummies or gassy?

Four months is a classic time for this, they are going through a big developmental leap. It's hard, but will pass.

Also, colic is not a diagnosis, it's a collection of behaviours/symptoms and is totally normal baby behaviour.

It is really hard at four months but hang in there, you'll get through it.

@Katapolts

Dummys everywhere lol, I rock him, he was a good day sleeper till about 7 weeks and cluster fed. He has a rocker he will manage a bit of time in rarely he falls asleep in it.

I have his bath in the shower with me but hair tangling as don't even get to comb it after. I do exactly same routine bath or not. White noise don't really help. He has outgrown his new born cot I had in the living room. Have a newborn high chair to have a safe space to leave him in.

He spits the dummy out as knows what I'm trying to do.

Getting ready meals delivered but half way through eatting he will start crying why sitting next to me seeing what I'm doing.

He sleeps well when not eating at night but no way will he sleep without myself. Last night I got to bed at 10 after feeding him a 200ml bottle and he was breastfeeding for 2h then awake at 3, 6, 10. He naps well with me in bed in-between feeds but now he wants to sleep by the breast. I only managed to get him back on his back when we first get to bed.

He has a special pillow to sleep on th aid digestion and replicate the womb.

Carrier + Dummy saved my sanity. I just sat down for hours and played games or watched videos.
Now I'm even sad he doesn't sleep on me anymore. Which... Would have sounded kind of insane to me at that time.

@JessieLongleg That sounds really tough and your husband sounds like an utter plonker. Good lord, could the man not take 2 minutes to fill the baby bath for you?? What an ass.

How is your son if you play with him on the floor? Does he need to be in your arms all the time, or will he lie on the ground/his cushion and play with a toy while you are there to hold the toy, reassure him etc?

And how is he in the highchair if he can see you in the same room as him with you talking to him and playing with him?

Your end goal is for him to be happy on his own for a few minutes while you get things done, but you may need to work towards that in tiny steps.

If he is happy to sit in a chair / lie on his mat with you in the room, can you pop out of the room for a second and then come back again before he is upset? If that works, you can gradually build up to longer times out of view without him getting upset at all.

If he is only happy in your arms, can you work on being able to put him somewhere comfy while you continue to touch him and play with him? If you pick him up again before he gets upset, he should gradually feel more comfortable in his seat and you can build up to less and less contact.

Also, you can also get a lot done with him in view , so if you get to this point things will already be way easier. My DS (4.5 months) likes his highchair, so I move it around my flat (appreciate this is less easy with stairs!) and put him in when I need to do things like showering or getting dressed. He's much happier in the chair than being put on the floor/bed in the same room because he can see what is going on.

Yes, I hear you - it is something they grow out of but some babies have to be held because they feel safer and more confortable that way.

Are you a single parent? If not, your partner will either have to hold the baby or do the housework. We had a messy house but it passes!

He has a special pillow to sleep on th aid digestion and replicate the womb. Was this recommended by a doctor because pillows are not recommended usually due to the increased risks of cot death.

@JessieLongleg please don’t let your baby sleep on a pillow or nest of any kind. None are safe for unsupervised sleep and have been linked to a number of baby deaths. They need to be on a firm, flat surface

@carefulcalculator @BuffaloCauliflower

It not a usual pillow. Keeps head flat but lifts the legs to help in fart etc. Babymoov Cosydream Original Ergonomic Baby Support amzn.eu/d/2D1e3RC.

Good when co sleeping as he has his own space on the bed.

@carefulcalculator we are married but legally separated with the idea of living together again. He refuses to cover the costs of living here, or sleep in the bed with us. Can't have him here all the time working off the sofa expecting the baby not to cry. On Saturday they had a nice day together read a book etc and he fell asleep with him. Later he was crying and just because he stops when I pick him up says baby hates him. Baby cries when I do anything but be next to him or hold him I don't think the baby hates me lol. I had a word with the in-laws as they don't get what's going on they don't really get what they can do as my husband is so defensive.

@FrizzledFrazzle I noticed this week is able to play with his toys by himself. But still a limit to it of about 5 mins. So I'm going to work on building that up. I live on a houseboat so not really room to move highchair but he can see me as open plan.

He likes the high chair always trying to look outside and I point out the birds and boats going by etc.

I do chat to him why doing stuff to not make him feel ignored. Noticed this week he has started falling sleep in it when not getting the attention he needs. I can lower the back down.

He has started using the comforter as well which is good

@Helena1993 something very special about it for sure. He often will not let me put him in the carrier as he figures can't get milk lol. He hasn't quite built up the skills to breastfeed in the carrier yet.

Are you getting any emotional support at all OP? From GP or HV or similar.

Some of the language you have used is ringing alarm bells with me. You say your mum can "handle him", he spits the dummy out because "he knows what you are trying to do" and that he "wants to see what you are doing" while you are trying to eat. He isn't doing either of these things, he is 4 months old and doesn't have the capacity to think in this way.

I really think that you need to reach out and ask for some help and support. Not even being able to comb your hair is crazy. And no I wouldn't have your "D"H moving in either, he sounds worse than usual.

@BuffaloCauliflower @zurala

Colic is a bit weird as it used to be all about digestion now seen as sensitive babies.

He had a bit of trapped wins but that's got better by increasing breast feeding. Him learning to lift up his legs to fart.

He has reflex but is a big eater, yesterday breastfeed before getting up at 6 and 8 then 11. Then bottle 160ml then breastfeeding, the 6pm 210ml bottle, then breastfeeding, then 8pm night bottle,. Then in bed breastfeeding for a hour then again at 2am and 4am. He is 9 kg and 70cm long at 4 months. Already filling out the 6-9 month clothes. Not surprisingly he has a bit of reflux.

Now he has just finished breastfeeding for a hour and fell asleep on me. Looks so cute.

Breastfeeding for an hour at 4 months old (and I noticed you mentioned 2 hour night feeds in a previous post) would suggest he isn't transferring milk efficiently. My little boy (now 1) was EBF and feeding for around 5-10 mins max from that age. The only time we had super long feeds was in the newborn days when I had trouble getting him interested in feeding. It's probably worth seeking some skilled feeding support if you're able to. I wonder whether he wants to be with you all the time because he's keen to feed possibly? Hope you manage to find a solution soon. This sounds super intense!

Just to add, he's 91st centile for height and weight so a big baby too. I think sometimes women are fooled into feeling they don't have enough milk or that a big baby needs to be feeding all the time, but that's not necessarily the case

Sorry if this has been said (don’t have time to read whole thread because I’m dealing with my 4 month old) but there’s a huge sleep regression at 4 months that coincides with a huge developmental leap. I found Wonder Weeks helpful for info when I had DC1. This is leap 4 and it’s hell on earth. My DC2 was also diagnosed with colic at this stage.. this stage was hell on earth. I now have DC3 who is very calm and quiet and I have been dreading this 4-6 month stage whilst hoping he wouldn’t hit it. He has, it’s hell on earth. It does pass but it’s such a shock to the system. Just keep doing what you’re doing. It lasts about 4-6 weeks. It was harder with my colicky baby so I really do feel for you.

I read a book by a parenting/ sleep training specialist and she had 4 kids and she said she hated being the parent of a 3-6 month old, that’s it’s a miserable stage and I totally agree. But it does get better.

good luck x

It won’t hurt him to cry while you cut your fingernails, brush your hair, have a shower or eat. It really really won’t.

sounds like you could do without the husband and prioritise your own needs a little