12 year old refusing contact

[Emm220884]

Hi all,
Please help.
My lovely son doesn't want contact with his Dad.
We've been separated 12 years since my son was 4.5 months. He saw his dad "mostly" regularly until he was 4. He then told the school that he was locked in his room and wasn't allowed out to the toilet during the night, causing him to wet his bed.
After that, over night visits stopped and he only saw his dad during the day, this then dwindled and visits stopped completely within a year. His dad would occasionally phone and son would refuse to talk to him.
His Dad then moved to Thailand in around 2018, for 2 years. Contact was minimal, when he came back I would take the children to see him, but they would want me to stay with them.
He returned in 2020 and contact has again been minimal. This year he has been trying to visit more often, my son has told him that he doesn't want this, he finds it stressful and doesn't want to see him.
I encourage him to see his dad, generally sitting with them at Starbucks, making conversation with my son in the hope that his dad will join in.
My son has told me I am going against his wishes, and is cross that he is having to see the person that causes anxiety and upset.
Please someone tell me what is the right thing to do here?
We have no child care agreement, it's always been just left for us to decide. Can I let my 12 year old make this decision?

We do have another child (16) together. He's had no contact alone with his dad since he was 7, and at 14 he backed off and left him alone.

Thank you so much, I understand that this is a difficult topic

I’m all for fathers I’ve ranted alot on here about it , however your son is old enough to decide what he wants and you sound like a fantastic mum for encouraging it but his dad made his choices limiting contact so it’s his fault. X

Don't make your DS tell him.
It might help to speak to a solicitor because you are unsure of your position and your DS' rights and your ex might try to exploit that.

You've done the right thing here. Facilitated contact whilst they were young. Allowed them to form their own opinions of their father. They're now making the informed decision that they don't want to see him. You must respect that and if he disagrees he can take you to court.

Children don’t care about biology, they care about someone being a parent.

In a school I worked at a dad turned up to take his son out so I went to get him. The child guessed it was him. Turned out dad has moved to America years before, came home every 3-4 years and just expected child to be all over him. He was at an age he was now refusing. He said to me he said ‘ I don’t know him, I don’t like him’ so I sent him back to class. The dad was furious. The child was right though.

Congratulations on raising children who know their own mind. They don't want to see him.

Your ex can pursue it through the courts if he wants. He won't.

Listen to your child he is definitely old enough to make this decision

Support your son. Does he still wet the bed?

You really need to respect your child's wishes. Tell him that if he ever changes his mind you will support him but then leave it at that.
No mentioning, no encouraging nothing.
Your child will end up resenting you if you keep trying to push something he doesn't want.

He's medicated through urology, it's better but still happens when stressed anxious

I didn’t ask because it impacts the decision to see him or not, I ask because from the OPs description he sounds completely absent and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had never put his hand in his pocket.

Agree with everyone else. Respect your sons wishes great that he is assertive enough to express them. Why would you go to a solicitor? Also what was he getting up to in Thailand that always rings alarm bells for me.

Don’t get your son to tell him! You are his advocate so you do it.

Your poor ds. He needs protection and support. Listen to your heart. You owe that man nothing.

At 12 he's old enough to tell you he doesn't want to see his dad, but not old enough to tell his dad directly.

You need to speak for him, finding the appropriate words. At 12 year old won't be able to verbalise much more than "I don't want to see you". And adult will be able to phrase it much more kindly.