Maintaining a chaotic house?

[Maxximus]

Hey there, I'm new to this forum. I've been wanting to reach out for advice for quite awhile a finally decided to go ahead and ask for it.

I am a 30-year-old Mom of two. My daughter is 13, and my son is 9. (I also have a 5-year-old clumsy fur-baby) Not married, but I do have a boyfriend of 1 year. We do not live together.

My current dilemma: My house is a disaster. It's embarrassing and causes a constant state of anxiety for me.
I can't seem to keep up with anything no matter how hard I try. My kids don't help, but that is my fault. I did everything on my own when they were babies, and I didn't start teaching them to pick up after themselves until I started realizing that the older/bigger they got, the bigger messes they made. Now it's like pulling teeth just to get them to put dirty clothes in a hamper basket rather than piled up on the floor.
Some days it's just too much. I'm OCD and ADD, and some days I walk into the living room, see the wreck and just turn around and go right back into my own bedroom to escape the chaos. I'm trying to overcome this.
Some days I just dig in and spend an entire day cleaning while my kids are at school. But then when I go to work, I come back to a clean house/room completely un-done.
I have gotten to where I just throw up my hands and yell "what is even the f*ing point!?"
I have tried chore lists, chore apps, routines, schedules, family meetings, and threatening to take Xboxes and TV's.
I can't exactly afford to promise weekly allowances. (even though I feel like "I don't get paid to clean my living space, they live here too and need to learn to take responsibility for their living space.")

I have refused the help offered by my boyfriend because again, it's embarrassing, and my mess of a home isn't his responsibility.
Tried not to draw out this long original post.
But can anyone relate?
Does anyone have advice or any idea of a possible solution that I haven't thought of?
Even words of encouragement are much appreciated.

Both of your kids are old enough to help out here. This is what needs to change.

Have you tried having a frank discussion with them about WHY you need their help and exactly what your expectations are of them?

The way I taught my. children to tidy up, was by collecting everything that was on the floor, on surfaces and putting it in big black bin bags and then putting the bags in the garage. No uniform for school, I guess there is some detention at school for not having a tie, no soccer boots, I guess you miss the game, oh the tv remote was on the floor, I guess no tv. All the towels are in a wet pile on the floor behind bathroom door, I guess you will hate to dry your long hair with that smelly towel. And so on.
You need to be consistent.

This for the clutter.

Now for the dirty house. The easiest way is to not allow food outside the kitchen. This means no crumbs or bits of food anywhere, no plates abandoned where they shouldn't. Dirty shoes stay on a rack by the door.

Do a new blitz session, and then make rules. Instead of threatening to remove tv and xbox, take them , and you give it to them, when their room and bathroom are decent.

Wow! Great advice! You'll have them helping in no time OP. Good luck 🤞

Listen to A Slob Comes Clean podcast - she has great advice for getting kids to help, cleaning up & decluttering whilst not making a greater mess, and her advice is geared to neurodivergent people.

No doubt I need to be consistent.

@serenaisaknobhead

I have had multiple serious conversations with both of them. "Family Meetings" usually do consist of an explanation of how hard it is for me to just be doing it on my own, and how important it is for everyone to be responsible for keeping the house we live in clean and not let it turn into pig pen/dirty gym locker room. I have tried different methods of approach as well. From commanding to asking nicely. It gets frustrating when a simple task like just throwing a wrapper away in the trash ends up just left on a table or dropped on the floor and left.

@ThirdTimeIsTheCharm
Thank you! Yes, I have begun to use some of these methods. I told my kids that I refused to do an egg hunt for dirty clothes in their rooms anymore and that if they wanted clean clothes, then they needed to put them in hampers.
You are right about the consistency, that is something I need to work on for myself as well. I work nights some days, and I'm a reservist in the military, so on the nights/days that I'm away, it just seems like all the rules are the only thing that ends up in the trash.
As far as food/dishes not leaving the kitchen. Definitely going to be cracking down on that. I told my daughter countless times no food or drinks in her room and I still find them in there. 😖 So I will be enforcing that it doesn't even leave the kitchen/dining room.
Taking stuff away has been hard. I haven't been following through, especially on days I'm away at work. We don't live in a neighborhood, so we don't have kids that live nearby for them to interact with. And sometimes I feel bad if they have nothing to do while I'm working. But I guess it will have to be tough love at least until I get a handle on this.

@NoSquirrels
Thank you, I will definitely check it out!

I guess my main thing is I need to put my foot down and stand my ground. I knew this in the back of my mind, but it is comforting to receive advice and helpful resources from yall.
Thank you

@ThirdTimeIsTheCharm putting stuff in bin bags was my mum’s tactic. Personally I wouldn’t recommend it. It just caused arguments and resentment and never made me any tidier while I was at home.

It might be worth one last family meeting to let them know some clear boundaries and then stick to them. I’d say pick a few core things, like dishes stay in the kitchen, and only clothes in the hamper get washed. The real key is being consistent and not caving.

Also it might be worth doing a really proper/thorough de clutter - as a clutter free home is in general easier to keep tidy. Personally I like the Marie Kondo method, and the unf*ck your habitat method.

have you done an honest assessment of how much stuff you have in your house? if you own less it's much easier to keep clean on all counts. And I know kids are always reluctant to declutter, so you either do it by stealth or ultimatums, if they can't keep X clean then they have to get rid of X stuff or it goes to charity etc. You have to be very ruthless. I have a rule that I clean / declutter one small area every day (1-2 minutes) which means chucking a few things out each day. It is a habit. It makes a huge difference. Every single item makes a difference to the keep clean / tidy battle.

Could you sit down (literally sit at a table) with your kids and have a good conversation with no shouting and explain that from now on they need to help or else they won’t get screen time? For example, when they get home from school they need to have

• washed dishes
• put on a load of their own laundry
• tidied their room or their belongings in a family room

once that is done they can have screen time.

What do they do to undo say the sitting room?
I would send a nine year old back in there to sort it out. Be specific. Tell them

plates in the kitchen
rubbish in the bin
cushions back on the sofa
toys back in your room

if they are doing it very quickly then it can be undone quickly too.

Not sure about bin bags as a first step, perhaps make it a cooperative thing. Ie make it fun for everyone.
I'd family meeting, ok what amount of tidying do we need every day, ok when shall we do it, on 6-7 pm every day. Then set a timer and get some music on and spend the time doing it. Then you can have shared ownership of the problem and solution.
If they don't start then back to the drawing board and say if they don't do it then you go to consequences whatever they are.
And you can say when we finished we can do something together, whatever is fun eg board games, film, favourite meal, or whatever.
Good luck!

The thing that has made the biggest difference to me is getting rid of unneeded stuff. My front room used to be loaded by old toys - I did a deal that every bag for life that could be taken to the charity shop/ chucked for the broken stuff I would give a fiver.

Also I understand what you mean about it being your problem not your boyfriend but I think given your circumstances it would be fine . Maybe the 2 of you could do a big clean out?