Mum guilt - how do you deal with it?

[Bridgerton1]

I’m having serious mum guilt about leaving my baby. I have recently been offered a new job that would seriously improve my financial situation, but it is full time and I would therefore have less time with my baby (who is 8 months by the way.)
For the past 3 months I have been working part time from home, so he’s only away from me 12 hours a week as I try and work with him some days.

For context, I am a young single mum. On universal credit. Baby was an oops and baby’s dad is helpful but not financially as he is unemployed atm. I have dreams of opening up my own business. My vision is clear but the road to get there feels very long. This new job will help me clear some debts, improve my credit so that maybe in a couple years I can get a loan to start my business.

I feel awful. Like I’m choosing money and success over my son? Which is ironic because, if it wasn’t for him, I would have never came up with my idea (which is about helping mothers navigate motherhood.)
I’ve spoken to my friends about this they all say ‘go for it’ ‘he’ll be fine’ which I know is true, but I can’t help but feel so guilty.

Is there anything I can do to alleviate this? I’d also be interested in hearing from someone who has chosen to work, instead of be broke, and regretted it?

In 10 years time, when he's got great quality of life because you had the resources to provide him with opportunities, do you really think you'll regret not keeping him in poverty so you could spend more time with him?

There is no guilt to be had. I went back to work when my son was 3 months old (mat leave is 4 months in my country) and I loved it - I really missed the adult interaction ! (I'm a single parent by choice). Same with DS2.

Consider the fact that you are providing financially for your son. It is not more important than love and attention but make no mistake, it IS important and it is possible to reconcile both. I actually found the time I spent with my son after I went back to work was better quality time because I was refreshed after a day of stimulating work and adult interaction.

Then there is the fact that you'll be relaxed and happy instead of frazzled and stressed by money problems.
And remember you are creating future opportunities for your baby by making sure you'll be able to provide him with a good education, access to hobbies, enough food on the table, a roof over his head, clothes, etc.

Take the job, you'd be mad not to. I don't think anyone will tell you they'd rather be broke than go back to work !

Thank you both @MolliciousIntent @Zalturka
I guess I am just worried about attachment, but I think I’m projecting because I was never that close with my own parents.

Sounds a great opportunity. A couple of things sprang to mind which may make the transition easier… would they consider 4 days for the first few months then upping to 5 days? Also 8m is often a clingy window in babies development re attachment.. coukd you delay the start for a month perhaps?

As a mother you will feel guilt over everything

What I will say is that by following what you want to do you are making his future stable and setting an example that people need to work

Ive been a sahm and I’ve worked full time. Both have their ups and downs but financial security gives you more choices

The time you have off will also be more precious. I would recommend having a cleaner to help you though as otherwise you’ll spend a day off work catching up with housework 😁

I went back full time at 7 months with my first and our bond was fine and she thrived with her childminder and is now doing amazingly at school. With my second I was able to afford longer off and to return part-time. It is great for me but I don't think she has any advantages over her sister. You shouldn't feel guilty for building a better life for your baby. If you have good quality childcare he will be fine.

I’ve gone back at various times after having my babies and it has been difficult especially my youngest who is now 4. I have missed them terribly and felt bad when leaving them with friends, family or at a nursery.
However I found that positive thinking helps, knowing that job stability is the start to other securities, and also that the child does settle in and more often than not ends up happy as a lamb playing with friends or whoever you leave them with.
And I’ve always tried to ensure that the time I do spend with them is worth it.
It is a mental hurdle but I promise it does get better.

I went back at six weeks after both of mine. As for attachment, they're upstairs right now at 24 and 21 years old. My career has meant that they had many more opportunities than they would have otherwise have had.

Personally I would never have picked my career before my babies. On the other hand our babies were planned once we had a stable good life not to make it better and more stable afterwards. No way would I have missed all the first moments, especially our comical twins, first steps,first words all that. Children dont ask to be here and then fitted into what we want and I'm sorry but I can guarantee children remember the love,cuddles,walks and play much more than money and good things from money

I think you are projecting to be honest. Millions of women work full time and bring up well adjusted, secure children. Setting yourself and your child up well for life is incredibly important - well done you for getting yourself to a point where you can progress. The mum guilt is tough, but it lessens a bit as they settle into childcare and you find a new working balance. You'll be fine!

Sorry for being blunt but this is a very naive view of someone who has money and doesn't really have to worry. Unfortunately, many people are not in your situation and have to go to work so it's probably best not to guilt trip them over it.

Do you want your son to grow up knowing both his parents didn't work and if they did he could have had opportunities he doesn't have? No. You can't do anything about his father but you can step up and provide for him, plenty of mums do it and he will be fine. Look at it as you are doing it for him not for you.

I went back to work full time when my baby was about the same age as yours, OP. He went to nursery full time and while I felt the same guilt as you, it's been the best decision for all of us.
He's a super social creature and thrives in a setting with lots of other children, that's a level of stimulation that we just can't provide at home. For me, I needed to get back to work for my own wellbeing. Don't get me wrong, money is of course a major driver and maybe I'd have felt differently if I had a lower paid job where there wasn't much difference between the cost of nursery and my salary, but that isn't the case for me and doesn't sound like it will be for you in your new role.
The other thing I'd say is that nothing is irreversible - take the new role, give it six months and if you know it just doesn't feel right for you two, then go back to a part time position or similar that works for how you want to structure your family.

To clarify, do you mean you didn’t have any money or you did have money but you just weren’t involved in earning it? (Shall we guess?)

I understand mum guilt BUT you have an amazing opportunity here which sounds fantastic = benefit him and you in the long run

Say you don't do it - you will have the mum guilt in 5 years time ( worse maybe ) that you didn't take this opportunity while you can

He won't remember! Will be harder doing all this when he is older - he won't know any different and certainly won't remember or damage him in anyway but you will benefit so much more

Speaking as and older mum (40) with a baby this sounds like such a fantastic opportunity
Grab it with both hands

You sound like a lovely mum

Think of all the things you can do together if you are better for financially as opposed to not doing it!

Often the thought of things are worse than the actual

Mind over matter here op and Google reframing

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