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Original poster

Partner doesn't seem to care.

11 replies

Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 20:18

Before the babies (currently 2.5 and almost 1) my partner originally said he didn't want kids. Then as our relationship progressed he said he did and felt we would make a good family etc. Cut to after our second baby and he doesn't seem to bother. He never plays with them, if I want to clean the house, myself or even just sit on my own for 5 minutes it takes pestering him to do it. If I say I'll clean while you play with them as you work a lot he will for 2 minutes before coming and taking over because he wants to help. Making me have to go tend to them because usually they're left crying/fussing/needing something. I get this is probably relationship more than parenting but I'm looking to see if anyone else has had that experience and what have you done if so?

OP posts:
Josie45 · 29/10/2022 21:17

What we're his original reasons for not wanting children prior to him changing his mind? I'm wondering if he just changed his mind because he knew you wanted them so therefore he now feels you should do most of the work.
My children's dad was terrible to the point of ridiculousness about looking after the children, I remember trying to wash my hair in the bath whilst rocking my crying daughter in a car seat on the floor as he wouldn't watch her whilst I had a bath, he was sat on his backside downstairs watching TV
Ultimately it led to massive resentment on my part and we split when they were 2 and 4. I think his reasons at the time were depression due to losing his mum, down right laziness as that's what he has continued to be like in other areas of his life, coupled with an old fashioned attitude that it should be the mother that does all the work with the children.

Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 21:25

There's two issues here, that are mutually separate

  • baby's Dad should be able to supervise them and take leading parenting charge, when needed
  • babies do not need to be "played with". They need to play, but its OK just to park yourself on the floor and watch TV while little ones "play" around you. It's unreasonable if you are insisting he must hands-on actively play constantly. Many parents don't parent that way.
Original poster
Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 22:38

Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 21:25

There's two issues here, that are mutually separate

  • baby's Dad should be able to supervise them and take leading parenting charge, when needed
  • babies do not need to be "played with". They need to play, but its OK just to park yourself on the floor and watch TV while little ones "play" around you. It's unreasonable if you are insisting he must hands-on actively play constantly. Many parents don't parent that way.

I get that they don't need to be played with, I don't expect him to be constantly playing with them however our eldest loves puzzles and needs a hand but he will put them where she can't read and refuse to do it with her. He won't even sit on the floor, he either shoves a tablet at them so he can play his console or he will put stuff on the TV and come up with an excuse as to why he can't sit with them...

I don't parent by playing with them the entire time, they're starting to play together so I let them be but it's getting to the point where I don't feel that I can leave him with them and they'll be 100% safe. I am worried about leaving the room for too long incase one falls or hurts themselves because he wasn't paying any attention at all.

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Original poster
Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 22:41

Josie45 · 29/10/2022 21:17

What we're his original reasons for not wanting children prior to him changing his mind? I'm wondering if he just changed his mind because he knew you wanted them so therefore he now feels you should do most of the work.
My children's dad was terrible to the point of ridiculousness about looking after the children, I remember trying to wash my hair in the bath whilst rocking my crying daughter in a car seat on the floor as he wouldn't watch her whilst I had a bath, he was sat on his backside downstairs watching TV
Ultimately it led to massive resentment on my part and we split when they were 2 and 4. I think his reasons at the time were depression due to losing his mum, down right laziness as that's what he has continued to be like in other areas of his life, coupled with an old fashioned attitude that it should be the mother that does all the work with the children.

I'm starting to think it's a possibility that's what's happened. I'm so disappointed in myself and him really. We both really sat and spoke before conceiving our first to make sure it was what we both wanted but I feel lied to honestly. He doesn't get up in the mornings and the longer this is going on the more selfish I see him. It hurts because I used to think of him as a kind, compassionate person but I don't see that at all anymore!

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 22:50

Will he go to the park with you and the kids as a family outing? Have you been on a holiday together, what's he like with the children there? Have you been on any day trips together with the children?

Original poster
Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 22:54

Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 22:50

Will he go to the park with you and the kids as a family outing? Have you been on a holiday together, what's he like with the children there? Have you been on any day trips together with the children?

Majority of the time he doesn't get up and I either end up going without him(causing more issues) or end up sitting in constantly to avoid the arguments. We have been on one holiday earlier this year, we couldn't even go the full week without arguing and really it was only him getting moody that we weren't having s*x! (My c-section scar wasn't healed properly so I couldn't comfortably) We have done a couple day trips, they always end up with us running late because he doesn't get up and then him complaining all day about every little thing.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 29/10/2022 22:58

You’ve got 3 children by the sound of it. He needs to grow up. Doesn’t get up in time?? He’s not a teenager anymore!

Original poster
Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 23:04

MissyB1 · 29/10/2022 22:58

You’ve got 3 children by the sound of it. He needs to grow up. Doesn’t get up in time?? He’s not a teenager anymore!

It feels that way. My friend was having some relationship trouble and is separating from her child's father, pretty much all the issues she went through with me I could relate to... its really made me question everything.

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 23:04

Definitely sounds like both a relationship issue and a parenting issue.

Do you (or did you, before kids) have the kind of relationship with good communication? Because he needs to be told, so that he understands, that being lazy in this way is unattractive as well as shit parenting. Noone likes being told either of these things, do you need him to understand that it has to change.

Adapting to the responsibility of being a parent takes time, so he was allowed some grace-time (as we're you). But that's passed now, he needs to step up. I wouldn't word this as a LTB conversation, more a "you are better than this. Come on!" Conversation.

It's also worth beating in mind that many people relate better to older children snd dislike the baby/toddler years. He's allowed to find parenting boring or dull. But that still means getting up snd doing the hard work even when he can't be arsed to do more than switch the TV on.

Original poster
Mumma201 · 29/10/2022 23:07

Eupraxia · 29/10/2022 23:04

Definitely sounds like both a relationship issue and a parenting issue.

Do you (or did you, before kids) have the kind of relationship with good communication? Because he needs to be told, so that he understands, that being lazy in this way is unattractive as well as shit parenting. Noone likes being told either of these things, do you need him to understand that it has to change.

Adapting to the responsibility of being a parent takes time, so he was allowed some grace-time (as we're you). But that's passed now, he needs to step up. I wouldn't word this as a LTB conversation, more a "you are better than this. Come on!" Conversation.

It's also worth beating in mind that many people relate better to older children snd dislike the baby/toddler years. He's allowed to find parenting boring or dull. But that still means getting up snd doing the hard work even when he can't be arsed to do more than switch the TV on.

I've tried keeping my cool, I have sat and tried to figure it all out with him. He says he understands and makes promises he never keeps. I goy harsh a couple times and it changed for a week max! I don't know if I can take much more, me and my children deserve better!!

OP posts:
drkpl · 29/10/2022 23:13

My partner was terrible for this until my son turned 3 and the winds started to change. In fact, I used to put baby ds in the bouncer in the bathroom with me while I had a shower as his dad was so useless/disinterested. He’s much more involved and plays with ds more than I do now he’s nearly 4. My son was much more interested in me until then because he knew he’d get the interaction from me, now he’s a bit of a daddy’s boy. I’m still resentful for the baby days and haven’t had another child as a consequence.

Nevertheless, I don’t think this is acceptable, especially as your eldest is 2.5 and will start noticing soon. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your partner. Even if he doesn’t enjoy it, he needs to set a bit of time aside per day to spend with his kids. I’m not implying he doesn’t love them, but little kids/babies aren’t interesting to some people- even their own- but it’s not an excuse not to bother with them.

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