Managing expectations: lazy teens

[HeyBearILoveYou]

Wondering if I’m being unreasonable, or just naive.

(There’s a LOOOOONG back story here, bear with me. It might be rambling! Grab yourself a tea )

So, I live with my DH, DSD17, DSD11, DD6months. I’ve just gone back to work full time (from home) due to finances, but very flexible working - I have to do 8 hours a day, but can be done at any stage during the 24 hours in the day. DH also works from home, DD goes to nursery two mornings a week, DM has her one day and we work with her the rest of the time. Busy, but it works.

DSD17 is doing an apprenticeship, DSD11 obviously at school. No additional clubs, no activities. DSD17 home and done by 5.05pm, DSD11 by 3.15pm.

(This is relevant, I promise!)

So, my bugbear is that neither of the girls will lift a finger at home. Won’t put a plate in the dishwasher, put a thing in the washing basket, won’t put food down for the dog, absolutely nothing. I’m totally frazzled trying to keep all the plates spinning, and frankly it’s really starting to piss me off watching them loll around doing fuck all while DH and I run around like from the crack of dawn until midnight.

DH and I have tried everything, chore lists, removing tech (DSD11 has lost iPad, phone except for travelling to and from school - not because of this, but there’s nothing else to take!), getting angry, being nice, I’ve even pleaded for help and been told ‘yeah, life isn’t fair is it?’ - nothing makes a difference.

Admittedly, the girls had a VERY difficult start. They were abused by their mum and her partner, and came to us - they have subsequently gone to prison. Clearly throughout the time the investigation/court case etc was going on, and whilst working through the process, we were very gentle with them, and possibly didn’t enforce chores as much as we should have (100% our fault, but very difficult to get the 8yo and 14yo to take the bin out when they’ve just come home from court). They have been with us for 3 years.

I’m under no illusion that the experience will stay with them forever and we will always support them with WHATEVER they need, whenever they need it. But I do want them to understand that normal life has to go on as well?

I’ve just had a spell in hospital due to epilepsy cropping up after it being under control for years, and am now undergoing a medication change. Frankly, it's wiping me out. I could really do with the pressure being taken off a bit with just a tiny bit of help and I don’t think it’s a lot to ask? DH is brilliant and pulls his weight completely, he is doing pretty much 100% of the baby care at the moment (I am petrified of having a fit and dropping her) and has clearly taken the lions share of the work recently.

He feels super guilty that the girls went through what they did at their mothers hands (he blames himself for not being there), but gets really frustrated that they are behaving how they are - although doesn't know any more than I do how to go about addressing the situation. He accepts that his feelings don't make him particularly helpful with coming up with sensible solutions.

If you’ve made it this far, we’ll done! Ultimately, am I asking too much? Is this just teenagers, or has the hand we’ve been dealt screwed us over long term? What do we do???

It would be very easy to say "They must do XYZ or remove all privileges" etc, but is that realistic?

Given they have historically done nothing, to suddenly pile on a load of jobs is unrealistic I think. Instead I'd be working on a culture change, so start small and build on it.

I'd suggest with initially recognising what they already do. Your post says nothing, examine that in more detail. Do they keep their rooms tidy ish? Do they put crisp packets in the bin? Can they make themselves toast or a drink? Are they doing homework without being asked.

Acknowledging what (small) things they do do identities their skills and what drives them - someone might like their own space clean, another may have a tip of a room but make themselves food or drinks. For example.

I'd make initial extra jobs focused on making their own lives better, rather than yours. Make your own breakfast. Put your own washing away. And keep it relatively small initially.

Then add on things like - make sibling breakfast while doing your own, fold washing from drier/line and take it up and put away.

With my older teens I tend to take the tone of "please would you do me this favour" rather than an authoritarian tone of "I'm telling you to do this and you are expected to do as you are told".

I have a somewhat similar problem, my step kids moved in from a challenging environment with their mum nearly 4 years ago (no where near as extreme as yours sounds)

They are 14 and 17 and will now do bits around the house but it's like pushing water uphill, they now do all their own laundry after one threw a paddy because I hadn't washed the tshirt they wanted but had washed one that they didnt like and never wore, so I taught them how the washing machine works and pointed out if they did their own, their favourite clothes would always be clean when they wanted them. They will make brews and will include me and their dad in that although we do often have to ask, they can both cook their favorite few meals so will make tea from time to time (best way to guarantee the food they most want to eat)

With mine it's pretty much using their "selfish bit" against them so they benefit directly from things they do. I am currently working (and failing) at washing up and sorting recycling, they'd much rather drop and dash.

I have to say giving them an 'easy ride' while they have dealt with mental health problems possibly wasn't on reflection the best thing to do but then again maybe it was and this is just their journey. There is no point beating yourself up about what you might have done differently, but there is no reason that they shouldn't know that you are finding things really tough at the moment and need some extra help and that they need to contribute something, instead of telling them ask them what they feel able to take on and be honest in that nothing isn't an answer that works at present.