Is this just how motherhood is or do I have depression?

[allie691]

For a long time I've struggled with my mental health, the people around me such as family and friends wouldnt really know it, I function well and appear to be happy and like I've got my shit together but I really don't, i do struggle. I have a 5 year old and a 18 month old and I adore them, they mean the world too me.

I feel like however I have spent the last 5 years lost, stressed and unhappy. My most happy moments are when my children are really happy/ we are making happy family memories. Other times it just feels like life is sad and difficult.

I run a small buisness alongside being a mum and I feel like I'm never on top, my house is always a mess even though I'm constantly cleaning, washing is always piled up, I'm always behind on work, even with my partners help.

I cry most evenings, from feeling overwhelmed, worrying I've not done enough as a mum even though I know I'm not a bad mum. I constantly feel guilt like I'm not doing enough. I look at photos of when they were tiny when I go to bed and just cry feeling like time is slipping away. When my youngest was born I definitely suffered with PPD (perhaps still do) i cried every day for weeks and very rarely felt even close to happy. I often day dream about how it would feel to be happy and excited for life and live a organised life.

I often feel low energy and a bit hopeless. I went for blood tests recently as I wondered if something might not be right but everything appeared okay.

Should I consider anti depressants? It sounds so scary to be on a medication long term that wouldn't actually fix me, just mask the emotion? it is also easy to tell myself I'm not depressed because I function okay and do have happy moments but I also know something isn't right. Surely this can't be how everybody feels?

Can you go out to work, rather than running your own business? Time away from home, with other adults, can be a game changer.

Hi OP, unless there is something else going on you are not sharing here, this doesn’t sound right and suggests it’s very likely you’re suffering from depression. Speak to your GP asap. The drugs don’t have to be for life, but they can certainly improve your life x

I don’t know what to say other than you’ve described exactly how I feel. I don’t have the pressures of running a business but I work full-time. I’ve tried sertraline as an anti-depressant but it didn’t work.

@Violettaa I could, but I'd earn a lot less money. I've worked really hard to have my buisness. When my youngest starts school I'm hoping it'll help having better work hours and I'll get a space to work outside the home more

I think I would address other areas of my life first before going on medication. It's very easy when children are small to get stuck in the 'mum' persona and feel like you have lost yourself.

How much time do you get to yourself?
How much time do you get being yourself, not just mummy?
How much do you get outside in nature, with or without the children?
How much exercise do you do?

I would make a plan either to go back to work for someone else so I get to be an adult and have some social interaction. Or, I would look into some sort of exercise class, the more social the better, to get endorphins running and improve MH.
I might look at joining a womens social club to get some adult time doing something just for me as an adult on occasional weekends (men don't think twice about doing their own thing).
I would plan on getting out in nature everyday, whether for a forest walk, stroll along the beach even with the children take a flask and collect shells or leaves. Nature does wonders for MH.

By making time for yourself, you will feel better and will be a better mum and partner. If I had addressed those things (or felt completely overwhelmed and couldn't) and felt no improvement then I would go to the GP and explore medication.

I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, and I feel exactly the same way. I'm not currently working due to childcare costs however I would love to get back to work. On one hand I'm counting down the days until the youngest is 3 and childcare costs will come down significantly, but at the same time I sit looking at photos feeling emotional about them growing up too fast.

Clinical depression isn’t just feeling sad or dissatisfied with your life. Look at one of the mental health websites like mind or nice guidance for lists of symptoms. Medication isn’t first line generally, you need to look at life style changes (self care, sleep, frame of mind) and talking therapies like CBT first. If you type in IATP and your local area there should be a provider. They’ll assess you and if you meet the criteria offer talking therapies. Or you could see a private psychotherapist to work things through.
Are you feeling like hurting yourself? If so ring 111, or Samaritans they will help

Can you afford a cleaner ? Sounds a small thing but may help ?

No, that’s not normal to be crying everyday. It sounds horrible for you. Can you go and speak to GP?

I think it’s not known as the hardest job in the world for no reason… Mine are now older & preteen/teens but it’s still really hard with new challenges each year. Of course there’s great moments, but when you are in a bad patch… it’s hard to feel it’s all worth it! I definitely have days I want to throw the towel in and feel like the world’s worst parent.
So, in short, I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with you - it just is that hard! Having a loving and supportive and great partner who shares the load helps a lot, having a good support network of family or friends is also a massive buffer against the strain of it all…. Sadly we don’t all have access to those things.

why do you see your partner as “helping you”?

do you work a lot harder than him - including business. Child caring and housework and other domestic duties L?

you've described my own experience, I was a LP with no support and a business to run and it was an exhausting, depressing time of overwhelm, tiredness, depression and anxiety. With very little joy. Fortunately when my DD went to school it got slowly easier, but really I would say only when DD was about 7+ did I feel closer to "normal". It sounds situational and as if you don't have enough support, at least in part, which can contribute to that feeling of depression and stress. Can you get some more support? Find more time for yourself. For me unfortunately the only way was through, via waiting and time and trying to focus on the little things I could do to try to feel better. Ride it out kinda thing. I am sure there are ways you could get more help than I did though. hope things improve soon.

I would definitely consider trying antidepressants -- they really can help so much! I waiting to be done breastfeeding and then I'm going to see about going on them too. I can really relate to how you feel, except I never had PPD. You can try for a few months and see how you feel.

It’s difficult to say if this is burn out or depression as PP say. Being a parent is very hard work emotionally and feeling like you’ve ‘lost’ yourself is pretty common, I certainly did when my 2 were little.

It’s not wrong to say you need a break, you need time alone, time with friends, you’re life can’t just be kids and work or you burn out, which isn’t good for anyone. I feel stressed enough with kids and a part time job, running a business sounds like it’s draining the last energy you have.

I certainly felt like this when I had kids that age - I wish I'd been able to enjoy it more now but it was all so overwhelming and exhausting at the time. My kids are lovely and it's so much easier now they're older and they sometimes sleep.

I don't know it doesn't sound that like depression to me as you do enjoy some good times but am no expert.

I realised that I find kids and the endless admin, cleaning and scraps incredibly tiring.