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Original poster

Why won't he go out?

34 replies

redjoker · 28/10/2022 13:42

I feel like ive been on here solid for 3 weeks because of my childs behavior so ill keep it brief

My child since starting school is explosive, irrational, having meltdowns, flips over tiny things, using hateful language and generally horrible to be around. we are trying to tackle this with calm, reassurance, distraction

Something we are really struggling is he will not leave the house, I booked camping, a pumpkin patch, all the normal half term gumff and he will not go out

Prior to 3 weeks ago I would have bribed him, forced him, any old trick to get him out and we would of had such a great day it would of been hard to get him home

He is now so explosive and angry this is just not possible

We have spent near on a week indoors
Please don't flame me and tell me I should drag him out

Im simply asking, has anyone else experienced this? Is it anxiety? Im trying to get to the bottom of it but he cant seem to tell me

I feel like I have lost my fun loving child

OP posts:
Eupraxia · 28/10/2022 13:47

How old is he?

It could just be that the things you are offering are not things he wants to do.

You booked to go on a camping holiday and then just didn't go?

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 13:50

Sorry, hes 5.

We have a camper van so often go away up the road for one night, just to get out and about.

Normally our time together is fun and interesting and we have really fab days out, now he wont even go for a walk without an major explosive episode

I cant see anything but anxiety? I wish I could get to the bottom of it

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 28/10/2022 13:57

What does he get to do instead if he doesn't go out?

My dc will regularly explode or meltdown when it's time to go out. It's because he would much rather be in on his computer.

He always loves it once we're out.

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Eupraxia · 28/10/2022 13:58

That does change the dynamic in understanding the issue. I had initially assumed 10/11 year old and not wanting to do "babyish" things with parents.

The behaviour things, aside from hateful language, strike me as outward presentations of sleep deprivation - ie not getting enough sleep and so being grumpy, apathetic and intolerant.

The hateful language cam also be tiredness, but also makes me question where he's learning it. If he uses YouTube or other games, be very mindful of what he's exposed to there. Then I'd just zero-tolerance any inappropriate language at this age.

NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2022 13:59

He's tired.

A cosy week in watching films, playing some board games, drawing, Lego etc.

Remember sometimes less is more!

Soubriquet · 28/10/2022 14:00

What is he doing at home that makes him want to stay home? Tablet? Tv?

Take those away. Let him choose within reason where to go. The park? Conker hunting?

parietal · 28/10/2022 14:01

is this something to do with school? how is he liking school? what do the teachers say?

if he finds the school day very stressful, he might be taking that out on you at home. and he might associate any 'leaving the house' with going to school which he now hates.

Talk to the school. and talk to him about school. Is that making him anxious / scared / angry?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/10/2022 14:01

What is he doing at home during the day?

One of mine would absoloutley sit in his pjs all day gaming (8) but we obviously wouldn't never allow this - we don't have fixed screen times, but he knows full well that getting outside for a chunk of every day means we leave him game at his leisure the rest of the time (not that he always does but he has the choice)

Any refusals to engage, wanting to game instead would be met with the game going away full time.

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:03

Indoors he only has access to the TV, we don't watch youtube or have a tablet.

This morning he watched TV for an hour, played up until 1pm and is watching tv for a bit now, he likes roleplay, playmobil that sort of thing

Hateful language has started and escalated since school.

I assumed it was being tired, but its a week into half term, how can he not even want to go for a walk?

Obviously Im posting because its my issue. He seems pretty happy staying in (aside from the mood swings). I just feel like a caged hen, I work from home and my partner works shifts so I cant get out alone

He just doesn't seem to enjoy anything that isnt being indoors

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 28/10/2022 14:05

If he likes role play can you do out door role play.

So go to the park “oh no, captain stick needs rescuing from the jaws of death”

Yes it’s more work for you but it’s fun for him

CrossUniStudent · 28/10/2022 14:05

Yes I would say anxiety. Could he be masking at school? It's not unusual for neurotypical children to do this then explode at home.

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:07

parietal · 28/10/2022 14:01

is this something to do with school? how is he liking school? what do the teachers say?

if he finds the school day very stressful, he might be taking that out on you at home. and he might associate any 'leaving the house' with going to school which he now hates.

Talk to the school. and talk to him about school. Is that making him anxious / scared / angry?

Yes, I think (not sure as have an appointment with teachers next week) that he is anxious about big boys at school and this is how its presenting

its been a very very extreme change in behavior

He watches TV but is very happy to play and isn't a slave to it or staying in to do that.

He literally just has no desire to go outside. I've tried it all, hot choc at the cafe, playdates, parks, nature trails, the zoo, the local shop!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 28/10/2022 14:09

redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:03

Indoors he only has access to the TV, we don't watch youtube or have a tablet.

This morning he watched TV for an hour, played up until 1pm and is watching tv for a bit now, he likes roleplay, playmobil that sort of thing

Hateful language has started and escalated since school.

I assumed it was being tired, but its a week into half term, how can he not even want to go for a walk?

Obviously Im posting because its my issue. He seems pretty happy staying in (aside from the mood swings). I just feel like a caged hen, I work from home and my partner works shifts so I cant get out alone

He just doesn't seem to enjoy anything that isnt being indoors

I'd sit down and chat honestly with him about this. Don't make out that it's for him, acknowledge that he likes being indoors, but explain that you like being outdoors and the two of you need to compromise. Then get him to help you make a plan for the day that involves time inside and out.

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/10/2022 14:15

Has something specific happened with "big boys" at school? If he's in reception there should be very limited opportunities for older boys to mix with the little ones. Often reception children have a separate playground for that reason. I wonder what has triggered that specific anxiety?

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:16

CrossUniStudent · 28/10/2022 14:05

Yes I would say anxiety. Could he be masking at school? It's not unusual for neurotypical children to do this then explode at home.

I'm assuming this

Do anxious children ever just grow out of it (with help), do hateful children just turn nice again?

Is it always something neurological that needs to be diagnosed, or does it ever just sort itself out?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 28/10/2022 14:18

School is likely using up all his energy for going out and being around people. He needs quiet time at home to recharge. I would just plan easy days at home. Do a puzzle, watch a movie, and just have a slower lifestyle for a bit while he adapts.

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:20

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/10/2022 14:15

Has something specific happened with "big boys" at school? If he's in reception there should be very limited opportunities for older boys to mix with the little ones. Often reception children have a separate playground for that reason. I wonder what has triggered that specific anxiety?

They share a playground at lunch time but have their own for morning break,

he has expressed anxiety over large boys telling him he is ugly, and one specific boy (well known to the school) grabbing him on the climbing frame

I am desperate to talk to the school and will when they reopen.

I guess its all connected, it just seems to mean that we are so 'together' that we end in each others pockets and the hateful stuff and meltdowns feel so full on

I just want to get him out and burn some energy and get some space, goodness id quite like to just have fun in a park again and i never thought id say that

OP posts:
Choconut · 28/10/2022 14:23

Mine was like this and has ASD.

I remember my ds's nursery teacher saying she couldn't ask him if he would like to do something with her because he'd always say no thank you, instead she just had to say 'it's time for you to do x now' and then he'd do it quite happily. I'd go one further and tell him well in advance what is going to happen, then remind him 10 minutes before so he can finish off what he is playing and mentally prepare. Then just go for it and make it fun and chances are he'll enjoy it - my ds almost always did in the end and preparing him for transitions in this way was how I prevented meltdowns before I even knew he had ASD. He needed time to get used to the idea of going out (from being told about it earlier), then he needed time to finish what he was doing inside so he could move on to the next thing - going out.

spiderlight · 28/10/2022 14:26

"do hateful children just turn nice again?"

I know it's easier said than done, but try to separate the behaviour from the child. He's not a 'hateful child' - he's still your lovely little boy, but he's tired, stressed, worried about the big boys, overwhelmed, has just got into the routine of school and has now been jerked out of it again. He's processing loads of stuff and is probably clinging to the safety of being at home and letting his feelings out to the person he feels safest with.

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:29

spiderlight · 28/10/2022 14:26

"do hateful children just turn nice again?"

I know it's easier said than done, but try to separate the behaviour from the child. He's not a 'hateful child' - he's still your lovely little boy, but he's tired, stressed, worried about the big boys, overwhelmed, has just got into the routine of school and has now been jerked out of it again. He's processing loads of stuff and is probably clinging to the safety of being at home and letting his feelings out to the person he feels safest with.

Ok that one made me cry

I guess you pretty much have hit the nail on the head

this parenting stuff is HARD😭

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 28/10/2022 14:36

It sounds like the school are doing a crap job of protecting the small children from an older bullying child. No wonder he's scared. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of what's been going on and what the school are going to do to help your DS feel safe. I'd be outlining to them exactly how disturbed he's been as a result of the bullying he's been experiencing.

StopGo · 28/10/2022 14:37

@redjoker your update leads me to think he's being bullied by a couple of the older boys. He doesn't yet have the language to explain that to you so does the only thing he can - takes it out on his mum, that lovely dependable person who loves him and keeps him safe.

Speak to his teacher next week. Meanwhile don't underestimate tiredness, all that behaving for half a term is exhausting. Let him decompress over he weekend. I hope he soon settles.

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:43

RoseslnTheHospital · 28/10/2022 14:36

It sounds like the school are doing a crap job of protecting the small children from an older bullying child. No wonder he's scared. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of what's been going on and what the school are going to do to help your DS feel safe. I'd be outlining to them exactly how disturbed he's been as a result of the bullying he's been experiencing.

Yes and there have been numerous complaints about older specific children who needs to be at a specialist school I think
Its hard because I'm only a term in, so am hearing this from other parents and via a 5 year old and its all crumbs of info.

DS has a very prominent ear which he says another child has mentioned and that 'makes him sad'. Im thinking this is part of it (we haven't told him or even hinted at it but are looking into reconstructive surgery)

Gosh, tired, anxious, I guess he just needs time. Sorry to drip feed and to be on here non stop. it just seems so multilayered and complex and all very at once.

meanwhile, I really would like to just go buy a pumpkin (wahh)

OP posts:
spiderlight · 28/10/2022 14:47

Didn't mean to make you cry Flowers It is bloody hard though, especially when they can't articulate what's wrong.

Could you draw him into a pumpkin trip by designing a face for it, drawing it together, talking about how you could decorate it - sort of getting him invested while he's in his safe space?

Original poster
redjoker · 28/10/2022 14:55

spiderlight · 28/10/2022 14:47

Didn't mean to make you cry Flowers It is bloody hard though, especially when they can't articulate what's wrong.

Could you draw him into a pumpkin trip by designing a face for it, drawing it together, talking about how you could decorate it - sort of getting him invested while he's in his safe space?

Little cry at my desk but have been trying not to cry in front of DS so needed it

Yes i have some crafty stuff, I've just finished 'work' so will go down now and try and get him invested in some decorations.

I really hope school get on board with me about this

thanks all, so appreciated

OP posts: