Children’s services involved after rape

[Italianmamami]

I reported about being raped and after going through a hell of an ordeal with interviews and tests and feeling so numb. I’ve now been confronted with children’s services stating I need a 6 week assessment because I’ve put myself in a vulnerable position and they need to assess my situation. Prior to this night out where I only went for a few drinks with a friend and was upset about a break up. I never left the house for 7 years due to my child being autistic, I spent the whole of my 20’s dealing with said child’s behaviour, ss were involved then and social workers were sacked as they stated my child’s behaviour was a parenting problem until nursery and other staff came in complaining that they couldn’t cope with him and needed help as he clearly had additional needs. My son has overheard me talking to my mum about them coming round and has smashed my bedroom up today and smashed the tv in the living room because I was distracted with his sister also additional needs pulling the freezer drawers out(yes we had locks but my son prized them off), he wanted to plan tea (9am starts the planning he does this when at school so part of his routine).

It sounds like life at home is very difficult and perhaps they can help you access some help.

I’m so sorry about the rape, sounds horrific. I’d encourage you to get advice from rape crisis. I am surprised about their choice of language “made yourself vulnerable”. I’ve only ever heard that in relation to sex workers in the 00s and wouldn’t expect it to be used today. I think most women would be offended to be told that their rape is something they have chosen (regardless of the circumstances). I would make them put in writing what they mean by that term. I doubt it’s defensible.
However there is obviously past history and they are now worried about your family. I’d use this as a chance to ask for what you need e.g do you need respite care for your disabled children so you can access counselling?

I would grab any help they can offer with both hands op. I doubt this is about your parenting abilities...

I read your other thread following the rape. I imagine the “making yourself vulnerable”
relates to bringing a stranger back to your house with your children there. But yes, bad choice of words as this was not your fault.
I’m sorry this is very traumatic for you and your family. I hope you get the support you need.

Social workers were sacked because they blamed your parenting?

You didn’t make it clear in your other thread whether your children were in your home with the stranger you brought home for sex and whilst you were being raped. Were they?

Regardless, whilst the rape is absolutely not your fault at all, CS are right to be concerned that you’re bringing strangers back to your home for sex. They’ll have seen it often as the tip of the iceberg of poor judgement and a chaotic and self-destructive lifestyle where children aren’t being prioritised. Added to this, your children have additional needs and you’re a recent single parent in an insecure housing situation (I remember your other threads about benefits and your landlord.) Things sound very difficult. CS aren’t just there to remove children but to support parents to parent better and help them access additional services and practical support they might need.

Frame the children's services involvement is "support".

You seem to currently be framing thr assessment as judgemental and as such are responding defensively. If you think of it as free help and support, you may understand that everyone is on thr side of your children, not against them.

It’s not really supportive though as my son suffered really badly in the past due to the trauma of them. It took 7 years to access the right support and get something in place for him to recover from what they had done. I feel like I’m back at square one now. The children were not alone in the house I had two babysitters who were over the age of 16 who stayed the whole night. I never put my children in any danger. I feel the way society deals with women today is that we she clearly all stay home and cook and clean and be like the Karen’s of the world. I feel like that’s gonna be my life now. It’s over basically and cooking and cleaning all day is what I have to look forward to again like I’ve done for the past 7 years. Online shop, leave the house for the school run and grocery shop, talk to friends via social media and only speak to family and just stay in and cook and clean all day every day

Yes they stated my sons autism was a parenting problem. It was discrimination and left them open to being sued. Children with additional needs are not parenting problems and labelling disabilities as other then what they are is dreadful for all involved

OP I understand your frustration and that you are feeling that you are being judged negatively as a parent. However, CS do not want to take children into care and should recognise that having some balance in your life will make parenting easier.
Ask them what they can offer your children and also you.
A bit of respite, whether it’s an afternoon a fortnight or 2 hours a week, could allow you time for a chosen activity - coffee with a friend or have a blow dry for eg.
You are emotionally vulnerable after your traumatic experience- for which you are not to blame - don’t let his violence make you put up barriers to support.
Above all, be kind to yourself and try to release your stress and rightful anger in some way. For me that’s exercise, do what you can and need to do.

I don’t know the back story or previous threads; but just based on the ‘made yourself vulnerable’ its quite outrageous. How awful OP. I am sorry.

Sorry OP but nobody wants autistic children in care because nobody can really care for them. I have an autistic child too, he's also very destructive and some days I catastrophise so badly I ended up referring myself to children's services just for ANY support they can offer. Spoiler alert, not a lot. Just cooperate with them.

Sorry you've had a shitty time. I hope your thread does not get derailed over your use of the term 'Karen.'

Are you in Scotland OP? It’s standard procedure here that children’s services are informed when the mother is a victim of a crime whether the children were present or away with granny for the weekend.

The children were not alone in the house I had two babysitters who were over the age of 16 who stayed the whole night. I never put my children in any danger.

So your children (and babysitters?) were with you in the house all night whilst you were being raped by the man you’d met at the pub that night? This is why CS want to make an assessment. You can’t bring strange men home when you have children there with you - you ideally shouldn’t do it at all, though that’s more your own lookout. What if he’d decided he wasn’t content with raping you but also tried to assault your children and the other people in the house? It’s nothing to do with being a “Karen”, you’re entitled to have a social life beyond staying at home and doing childcare; but as several people have picked up from the other threads you’ve recently started, your life sounds very difficult, somewhat chaotic, and with several areas where social services can absolutely help you to find support.

your children were in the house so yes they was at risk. The fact that you can’t see that suggests the referral is needed even more.

But you did put your children in danger.

Yes my children were in the house and it would be the same risk of a workman entered the house and raped me. Do I now only allow females into the property because most trades are male, many women stay home and clearly rightly so.

It’s also the timing of having to see them. Preparing for an investigation, court case, several referrals put in for counselling and sexual health checks due to the rape. I’m not having to put my own health at risk to cater to the whims of children’s services flaky appointments. I’m unable to attend any appointments as I’m having to make myself available to when they are available and also around the possibility my child will be in school. Trying to explain this to cps is obviously not going well when it comes to interviews.

Not the same at all and scary that you can’t see that 😳 I personally think it’s a good thing social services are involved here.

I personally think they should be involved with someone who constantly complains about being single but then kicks off with someone who has been raped.

Wasn’t a stranger.

I'm feeling uncomfortable with the level of victim blaming here. There said, I hope I can elevate some if your worries

• next week when schools are back, the social workers appointments with the children can be done again school, during the school day.
• The police will directly communicate with children's services, so if managing appointments is hard for you then you could ask them to talk to each other when arranging appointments.
• the children's services assessment is limited in length - its up to 45 days (I think) and then they decide what kind of plan you need.
• Any CIN or CP plan will prioritise supporting you, as well as the children. It will open doors for lots if extra support for your family.

I know it's scarey. But everyone there are putting your children's needs first - which is always the right thing to do even when it's hard.