Really loosing the will to live with my 3 year old 😥

[1827isty]

My son was 3 a few months ago, and the last few weeks he has been absolutely horrible to put it simply.

He attitude and behaviour is just horrendous and I am seriously loosing the will to live. I have a 5 month old which makes thjnf even more difficult. I don't think the baby is the issue as to be honest he is not at all jealous of her and is very good with her.

He just constantly spits screams when he does not get his own way
Constantly argues back to me and his rather
Throws the biggest tantrums over the smallest things
Screams for no apparent reason and quite frankly is jsit horrible to me and his dad (more so me as I am with him more)

When is he with my parents he is absolutely fine

He started nursery in September so I'm not sure if this is the issue, although his behaviour at nursery is also fine

I'm sure this is standard 3 year old behaviour but I am seriously struggling right now 😭 sometimes I literally sit here a cry with the stress of him

I've tried being calm and talking to him, I've tried time outs, I've tried to screen times, I've tried bribery but everything only seems to work short term

Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated

He has always been a typical boy since a baby but is usually a kind caring boy as well, but I really am struggling with this new 3 year old stage

Sorry it is not mwnaf to say 'spit screams' I mean shouts and screams

You’re probably exhausted with the new baby so give yourself some credit for not putting a wee dram in your coffee at 8!

Children are awful - there, I said it. 😂 it’s ok to lock the bathroom door and scroll for 10 minutes. It’s ok to go out the back door with a fag. It’s ok to have a wine at lunchtime.

one day they will both be at school. 🎉

honestly, time outs for mum are more beneficial to your mh than time out for a 3 year old who does it gaf!

No real advice (I’m sorry!) but 3 year olds are complete arseholes, even worse than 2 year olds imo. But once they turned 4, it’s like a switch was flicked and they became rather lovely!

I know the above doesn’t help much, but just remember it’s not you, it really is them. The things I found that worked was to give them very limited choices (I’ve DTs) which were both going to result in what I wanted, not getting locked into a battle of wills and explaining their emotions, acknowledging them and telling them why it couldn’t happen their way. Sometimes just laughing stopped the tantrum, or copying them so they could laugh at me. And let them have their little ‘wins’. And timers! They were really helpful, my ds responded super well to those and massively cut down on the outbursts of fury.

My 2-4 year old years are the reason I will not be having any more kids 😄

This could be a mixture of things. Yes, some kids are just threenagers and play up.

Think about it from his perspective though, the baby takes up a lot of your time, he's off at nursery away from you and where he has to follow rules and behave. He's probably a bit confused about where the time went when he was the one and only, with lots of time with you.

When babies get a bit older the sibling can suddenly realise it's not a different type of being (baby Vs toddler) it's the same kind of creature as me and that's threatening and annoying when the baby can grab toys and crawl around. It can be unsettling even if the older child seems to love the baby.

They also sometimes just find the world frustrating and as their most trusted person, you're who they bring that frustration and pent up energy to. They need to release it sometimes.

If you don't get 121 time with him but can manage it, that might help (even if only a regular half hour a day, I used to put baby down to bed then snuggle with DD for half hour or so).

Also with tantrums it's good to avoid getting into the conflict 'you need to stop it' mentality, you're on his side. It can help to try to voice what you think he's feeling, 'oh you're unhappy because your zip won't do up, it's frustrating when we want to do something, shall I help you' or 'oh you wanted a blue one, I know you like blue, shall we see if yellow tastes as nice' etc

It will pass, good luck! I found whole brain child book and Janet Lansbury no bad kids helped!

Ah, a threenager.

Plus a baby.

Its really hard, three year olds can be very challenging.

All I can say is it will get better - for now just look on it as a challenge you have to go through and do the very best you can to remain firm, authoritative yet kind.

I remember it helped me to remember how hard it is to be 3. Big feelings, little capacity to manage to them, and painful dawning realisation that far from being the centre of the universe around whom all life revolves, you are actually a very small and powerless person with little control over anything.

So when your son is being difficult it can help to remember the challenges he has to face in his emotional and psychological development right now. Granted not always easy though when they are behaving hideously!!

Good luck. One day sooner than you think he'll be a big 11 year old who carries your shopping in for you and makes you a cup of tea.

Sympathies. Mine was 3 a month ago, we had a few weeks before and after where I could have quite happily left home. EVERYTHING was a fight. Food wars, TV time, not wanting anything but wanting everything, spent more time lying on the floor kicking off than walking.

It's easing now, after about 6 weeks. Still not great, but not as bad. Reducing TV time helped (not me, I miss the peace!) And keeping boundaries. Oh, and when she does that stupid fake cry/ whinge, I remove her from the room and sit her on the stairs. I honestly cannot stand it.

My son has gone through a few similar phases since turning three which always pass in the end. My theory is that it always happens when he's going through a big developmental shift- it often coincides with his language skills improving (noticed once the storm has passed 😆)

I think it's really, really hard work being three with all the learning and physical growing they have to do- not that this makes it any less hard for you but I'm sure it's normal behaviour. Especially if he's learning to follow rules and fit in with a big group of children at nursery for the first time.

A couple of things that work a bit for me: spending a bit of 1:1 time together and finding everything I possibly can to praise him for, which is difficult when he's really going for it. Making sure he gets some exercise as early as possible in the day also helps a lot, so taking him out for quite a long scamper around the park or a good walk before he gets the chance to get bored and grumpy.

I totally feel your pain! I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 5 year old and honestly I've never been through a tougher stage than what we're in with my youngest at the moment!

Everything results in a tantrum and once he's in a tantrum there seems to be no calming him down unless it ends in him getting what he wants! I really am praying that it's just a phase and one that ends soon!!

It’s a bit shortsighted of you to think that the arrival of a new baby won’t have affected your existing child. I never understand why people can’t see this. Just because he isn’t being mean to the baby, does not mean that he doesn’t feel unsettled by her arrival. That’s normal. And he’s probably turning it on you instead.

And those people saying 3 year olds are all horrible - no they’re not. You’re talking about children who are little more than babies.

I remember it helped me to remember how hard it is to be 3. Big feelings, little capacity to manage to them, and painful dawning realisation that far from being the centre of the universe around whom all life revolves, you are actually a very small and powerless person with little control over anything.

Excellent advice.

@Xaviera I'm sure nobody genuinely believes their 3 year old is horrible. This is a forum for mums to come and get advice/rant about how hard parenting can be. The op sounds like she is in a really difficult phase with her 3 year old so a bit of compassion is sometimes needed rather than judgement.

Oh I feel you. 3 yo's are such dicks. 2 months ago I was honestly writing this post and now at 3.5 he has changed a little and hopefully coming out the other end 🤞 2 months ago I couldn't take him out the park but now he still cries but walks and holds my hand complying. Everything was a no and still is but there's a bit more reasoning compared to 2 months ago. I think everything is heightened with you as you have to take care of a young baby as well. I have one child and I still struggle and he is the main reason why I would never want a second child. Does your little one go to preschool as this helped a lot as well? My lo started just at a stage where he started getting better regulating his emotions and the preschool has helped navigating this.

Mine went through this phase after she turned 3. It reminded me of the Kevin and Perry episode where his behaviour changed at the stroke of midnight when he turned into a teen!

We held quite strict behavioural expectations and she was put on the thinking step if she was rude in whatever way (after 2 warnings). That helped and after a few hellish weeks, it started sinking in. We also did a lot of work around big feelings and making sure she understood that it was OK to have feeling of anger and sadness but we guided her into how she could react to those feelings by talking to us (instead of having a complete shouting tantrum).

We asked for support from her nursery too in terms of big feelings learning. She was an angel at nursery, but they understood and did quite a lot of work with her too. It will pass, they just know exactly what buttons to press when it comes to their parents!!

Its been a while snce mine were three.
What can I remember - all of what you said & more!
I dealt with it by telling myself that he was pushing boundaries to be his own person, playing with independence, pushing back against what he thinks was unfair etc. All logical stuff but hard when you are frazzled.

What worked for me was asking myself 'what need does he want met now'? Then I could see the behaviour differently. Its really hard.

Time outs never worked and its one thing I regret - time outs dont help kids understand their feelings - it says your emotion is wrong and you should not feel it. It does nothing to help your kid.

It will pass all too soon but day to day its awful.

@Onceuponawhileago I don't think that's true, we use time outs to calm kids down and send a signal they've crossed a line. If things are getting heated, it can help to change the mood.

I thought so too and actually asked a child psychologist about this. She was rabidly anti time out. It teaches kids to do exactly what? Be pushed out of the family unit for expressing emotion? Some emotions are not to be tolerated? They go to a step to work out what happened even though they have little abstract reasoning?
Final straw for me was reading and listening to Dr Gabor Mate on child trauma and emotions. If I had kids again I'd never do time out.

Time out is just taking them away from the situation. I have to sit with my 3 year old on the naughty step (or she'll just run away) so we just try to have a quiet chat. It doesn't always work but can calm things down.

I do concur though - 3 year olds are savage.

Thank you all for your positive comments!

So pleased to know it's not just me!

My self and husband always try to ensure each day get get some time alone with just him doing an activity, even if it's just colouring or reading a book with him

Posted to soon 🤦‍♀️hopefully it will all improve soon! I know it won't last forever! Some days he's amazing and other days he's dreadful 😂and I really needed a rant the other day!

Ah OP I feel for you! It will pass I promise. As long as you maintain boundaries and don’t give in to the tantrums he will soon figure out another way to push buttons! But there will be a reprieve, there always is, so hang in there!

They have so many emotions that feel so big, and no doubt a young sibling and starting nursery has added to that. Praise him plenty for ‘good behaviour’ and just generally maintain affection so he knows there are other ways to get attention, and that love and affection are still very much present.