Feel like I'm drowning with baby and toddler - newly single mum

[ReySky]

Really struggling. Have an almost 3 year old and a 17 week old. Husband left me when baby was 9 weeks old (I posted another thread about this) but is still living here. I feel so depressed, anxious all the time. I feel like I have a permanent headache. Everything feels so bleak.

Every time I try and get baby to sleep, and I do mean every single time, DS1 finds it funny to interfere and try and wake DS2. It gives me so much rage. He will shout wakey wakey, find his noisy toys, even shine a toy torch in his face etc. I can't take him into a different room or upstairs to settle him as DS1 will the start shaking stair gate screaming and wake him anyway. Hate going out because baby hates car seat / pushchair / carrier. DS1 runs off all the time. Hate being at home because DS1 gets bored quickly, breaks things and screams, gets frustrated easily. Not his fault obviously. I try doing baking etc with him, set up things like his toy diggers with lentils / sand etc, he is not interested and just wants to watch TV and even that he gets bored of quickly, then I have mum guilt for using a screen as a babysitter.

Sure DS1 has ADHD but Health Visitor said they wont investigate till he's 7. He is really, really hard work. Equally I feel like I'm grieving for our relationship before DS2 as I seem to spend half of the time telling him to be quiet so as not to wake baby. I didn't bond well with him as a baby and feel guilty that I'm bonding more with DS2 than I did with him.

Living off beige food. No time to self. In evenings when finally settle both of them (DS1 is a nightmare at bedtimes) just enough time to do basics around house. Have a massive backlog of washing, no clothes are drying and can never find anything. I have endometriosis that causes me daily pain and various other symptoms that I get no relief from, made worse by stress.

I just feel so hopeless and want to cry, I feel so down and angry but frightened that if I reach out then social services will be involved. I have worked in family law for years and would see it happen a lot. I feel desparate but don't know where to turn. I feel so sad and confused about my husband of 17 years leaving me at such a vulnerable time and I'm struggling with that too.

Sorry for incoherent / rambling post, I just really needed to put it all out there.

Oh OP, I really feel for you! If you and H are no longer together, but he’s still living with you, is he not helping out at all? Do you have a mum / relative / friend who can come stay with you to help off load the burden for a while? If your H isn’t doing anything, he needs to leave. You’re doing everything and it sounds like he’s enjoying the single life.

So sorry OP, it will get easier - I promise. For now though, lean on friends / family you can trust xx

I don’t think not making a diagnosis before 7 is correct. Is your eldest at nursery?

OP, this will get easier as your kids grow and become more independent.
What help have you got at the moment? Does DS have some nursery time? If he’s eligible for the free 30 hours, try and get that set up if you haven’t already. He’ll get some stimulation in a different environment and some social time with peers and you’ll get a break from his antics at home.
Is your ex husband doing any childcare? He absolutely should be. Try and get a formal pattern going. It’s hard when you’re still living in the same house but if he eventually wants every other weekend for example he should be taking your eldest out most of the day for both days every other weekend - even if it’s just to swimming and the park/library/walk in the woods on the Saturday and Sunday lunch with his parents. Baby can go too when you feel ready for that separation. Obviously whether or not your ex steps up is not within your control but this kind of pattern is a completely reasonable expectation and a reasonable suggestion to put to him.
Are your family around? Could anyone do a similar weekly/biweekly activity with your son if your ex is being useless?
Do you have mum friends with babies? Could you do some coffee mornings or playgroups to get some interaction with other adults and someone to watch your baby for a minute while you drink warm tea/pop to the loo etc?
Basically it’s not surprising you’re struggling when two little ones when you ex has pulled all the support he’s meant to provide. Reach out and ask for help from anyone in your network who you trust and might be willing to help.

Thanks for replies. Family are aware of how much I'm struggling but I don't get any help or support. My dad lives down the road and says he will help but he is an alcoholic and is/was very emotionally abusive and unreliable. My mum says she wouldn't want to stay here but pops round once a week for about half an hour but just sits on sofa and then goes.

No free nursery hours till DS1 turns 3 in December, and then will get 15 hours a week. We do a play group 4/5 mornings a week but then that's just an hour out of each day and I try and get us to a park at least or to feed ducks etc. It's definitely worse when we're stuck at home but I feel so anxious getting out as well.

It's a bit complicated with exh, I don't want to repeat my other thread but he's useless, shouty and smokes weed etc so in fairness he's not really any help with the boys anyway. For example the 17 week old, he has changed his nappy three times since he's been born.

@toomuchlaundry I'm not sure, that's just what the Health Visitor said. She said autism is easier to identify so they'd assess for that earlier, but not Adhd as some of the characteristics are so similar to normal toddler behaviours.

I’m so sorry OP, the only advise I can offer is it gets easier and the only way to survive in the interim is to be militant with routine. If you don’t get an evening you won’t be able to manage. How’s their sleep/ bedtimes and naps?

I’m so sorry, this sounds so horribly hard. Like someone else said routine will help when you can get in one, not easy though.

Also you desperately need an extra pair of hands so mum friends, family, church playgroups, basically go anywhere you can to get a little break.

Most babies and toddlers eventually go to sleep in the car so if you drive round for long enough in the afternoon they will probably have a nap and you could park up and have a little kip yourself, maybe take a flask of coffee, watch Netflix on your phone?

That sounds pretty typical toddler behaviour, ours was the same when we had our second. I remember being incredibly stressed, it was horrendous. They're both lovely now but it was a slog! No advice on your husband unfortunately.

Sounds so tough. Can you try introducing rewards for your ds1 when you put your baby to sleep - if he's nice & quiet he gets a sticker etc.

This is hard. There is no sugar coating it. It's not ideal parenting but you are going to need to do what y can to survive. Maybe give the eldest some screen time whilst you get the baby to sleep and then sleep yourself if you can. Praise praise praise the eldest when you can too. I think the next year will be the hardest. If you can, get a slow cooker. You can shove some stock and vegetables in there and create soup. When baby weaning he can have that too. It will get a bit easier. Keep going

Hi OP, just wanted to respond as your post really resonated with me. I struggled so much when my DD2 was born. Same issues with 2 year old running in and trying to wake baby up. I also have endometriosis and found it so hard physically.

If there is any way that you can get some help, even a childminder for a few hours? Or family member to help. I always let my 2 year old watch TV when I put DD2 down for her naps. They get loads of interaction and play throughout the rest of the day so I try not to feel guilt about this. You have to do what you can to survive!

DD2 is now 8 months old and it is so much easier than before. Less naps, more mobile and somewhat better sleep at night. It's a tough stage.