Baby groups, parties, gatherings and crying baby :-( advice needed

[WorryMcGee]

I’m an extremely anxious FTM in need of some reassurance really.

My daughter has just turned 6 months. When she was about 10 weeks ish I tried to take her to some baby groups and every time I took her she was the only baby screaming the place down. I’m not exaggerating - I even said to my husband before I went that my worst nightmare will be if my baby is the only one that’s crying and everyone looks at me. Well that’s what happened. I walked out each time as I felt so ashamed. Then she was put in a pavlik harness over the heatwave and that made getting out really difficult as she couldn’t go in the car seat, was too wide for the pram and it was too hot to carry her in the sling (I get out every day with the dogs but I couldn’t walk into town with her in it in the middle of the day). She is extremely sicky so I also always worried about taking her anywhere because of that, or giving her to anyone to hold because she’d usually cover them in sick and that made me feel upset too (in case anyone suggests it, it’s not CMPA it’s laryngomalacia so there’s nothing that will fix it but time)

Last month I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I’ve had two surgeries which have made lifting her in and out of things hard, so we’ve not got out much besides walks. She is reasonably smiley and happy at home but gets bored very very easily.

I got offered a space in an sought after baby class today and despite feeling anxious about it, I took it thinking “it’s been months since we tried this, surely it will be okay now she’s older”. It was not. Screamed the minute we walked in, I wanted to leave but my husband wanted to persevere. She calmed down a little and we got a few smiles but she was the only baby with a dummy in, there were all these other much younger babies just gazing happily up at their mums and there’s my much older one just whinging and screaming. She wasn’t tired and she wasn’t hungry. So now I’m thinking that either I’ve ruined her by not getting over my fears and taking her to places, or there’s something wrong with her. I didn’t think my mat leave would be like this. I’m due to start chemo next month and my hair will probably fall out so there’s not a hope in hell of me taking her anywhere then, because if people are looking at me now they’re definitely going to stare at the cancer patient with the screaming baby. I just feel like a huge failure, like I’ve let her down.

Did anyone else have a baby like this? What did you do?

Oh I forgot to add to my already long post. Whenever she’s taken to a party or a group thing she cries as well. My best friend’s little girl’s 4th birthday party had a baby area - all these babies, lying on the mat, sitting with their parents, all calm and smiley. What was mine doing? Screaming.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis & struggles, that sounds bloody hard.

Any idea what the trigger for screaming is? I.e. if its possibly noise related, maybe try baby ear defenders? How is she in other busy-ish public places, such as sitting in a cafe?

I had one of those babies. Screamed for 8 hours a day everyday. Hated being laid flat and had to be held to nap. I went back to work at 6 months. I just took him out and stopped giving a shit. YouHe had a dummy. I once drove for 2 hours on the motorway with him screaming the entire way.

It just gradually stopped. He had reflux and CMPA. That got better with weaning. He is 9YO now. He has since been diagnosed with autism and complains lots about leaving the house, strange places, strange noises, strange textures etc. DH and I have often wondered if his crying was because his way of expressing those things at a young age.

I had another one. He didn't cry as much. But started complaining lots as a toddler. 🙄

You're not a bad mum if your baby cries. Their needs are met, they are loved and safe. They're just complaining in the same way a sulky pre-teen would. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Hope all goes well with your treatment.

@AwkwardPaws27 it’s funny, because she’s been in a lot of cafés - including noisy ones - and she’s fine in there as long as she’s not bored. It’s almost like she hates other people looking/smiling at/talking to her 😞 which I must have caused somehow. I was just so nervous about giving her to anyone because of how much/often she’s sick 😞

You've done nothing wrong - it's totally understandable that you feel like that if she's very sicky.

Could DH try taking her to a group and see if she does it with him alone? I'm just wondering if she's picking up your (absolutely understandable) anxiety?

From baby's point of view it can be a bit overwhelming if people get in her face, so dont feel bad! DS is usually super smiley but gets very serious when strangers first talk to him.

My dd was exactly like this. Hated all groups, I left multiple ones in tears. She's now nearly 7 and still shy and nervous about groups. I have no advice but it's just her personality, I've managed to find 2 activities that she likes. My ds is the exact opposite.

My baby was the same at baby massage, I just kept my chill and continued with my baby. It got commented on that they were impressed how I coped, maybe your baby is picking up that you are worried.

My baby was also the only one with a dummy, she hated lying down...she needed to sit (or stand!)...so we did what we coukd with her being comfortable. She's 11 months now and we still go to the same baby class and she's so confident there now.

Keep going, be calm, its you and your baby, if she cries, she cries...babies cry.

I'm the same with a 4 months old. Been to one group only.
Had one coffee catch up with mums and everyone's babies were chilled; mine would not stay still on my lap.
I went home deflated. Going to try another group again tomorrow.
It's not your fault, it's not the baby's fault. Everyone will have sympathy for you. X

Thank you everyone, it helps to know others are/were in the same boat (although I wish you weren’t as it’s not nice!)

It’s possible she is picking up on my anxiety, I hadn’t thought of that. At the class the other day it was DH who got her smiling again (he literally gives zero shits if anyone is looking at him or not). He wants to take her to something on Saturday morning so that’s a good chance to test the theory.

Mine was like this too. He was always unsettled and crying, never a contented baby.
Didn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason.. he did start getting happier around 8 months, so hope your DD does too.

Wishing you all the best with your treatment.

Oh you poor thing, you've both been through the mill!

First, don't worry about the dummy. One of mine is 3 and he still has his dodo although this month we've got him to a point where he only has it at night now (finally).

Second, is there something uncomfortable about the way she goes to these group meetups/parties etc? For example, is the way she sits in her pushchair uncomfortable, or the way she is positioned on the floor? My youngest will scream the place down if the pushchair back is laid down too much as she wants to see and do everything! She also hates being in her car seat even in the pushchair wheels so that's ruined a few days out. Mine doesn't usually wear tights at home and when she has nappy rash, if I put her in tights to go out or if her poppers on her vest are too tight, she will scream and wriggle.

Third, you mention she might be getting bored. Don't worry about taking your own toys with you when you go places, so she has things to play with that she enjoys.

If you can pinpoint what works at home that you do differently when you're out you might be able to have calmer baby days out. But some babies just scream a lot. My sibling screamed nonstop until they were 18 months.

Mine was like this. My second the opposite. I think all anyone is thinking is "Christ that looks hard, I'm glad it's not me" rather than "what a shit mum". Babies cry, and you can bet those placid smiley ones have had at least occasional screaming fits. Everyone's been there, if you're trying to soothe her (which of course you are!) then no one will think anything bad of you.

I'm sorry you've had such a thoroughly shitty time of it, I hope brighter days are just around the corner.

Firstly so sorry to hear of your medical situation. It cant be easy caring for a young baby whilst going through all of this as well.

For context, I didnt do baby groups as there werent many near me and secondly becaise I felt really anxious about DD screaming/crying all the way through it.
We have done lots of walks etc.
DH is the polar opposite to me. He doesnt care if DD is screaming her head off in public and just continues whatever he is doing. And he is right to be fair.
Babies cry. They all do. Some need reasurance, theyre scared, overwhelmed, hungry tired or whatever. Its normal and its taken me almost a year to understand that.
DD will cry hysterically and sound like a goose when approached by adults or handed to family. Even the inlaws. She doesnt like it and we just go with it. She settles and its ok.
Its nithing we have done, its just hiw she feels and crying etc is the only way she can express herself.
Ive felt terrible in public to the extent of having panic attacks which I have never had before so I know it can be difficult.
You havent done anything wrong though.
Babies cry and scream and often make you feel out of your depth.
Dont feel down, your baby isnt broken, its conpletely normal.
Enbrace the noise, however hard it may feel but i promise it gets easier.
I personally think youre doing amazing given your current sutuation. You should be proud.

It's worth going to a few cheaper, church/sure start ran babygroups as a "low pressure" environment where perhaps you may feel less judged and anxious. The local salvation army and sure start playgroups I used to go to were very chilled and always had a few constant screamers. If you keep going and try and chat to someone sympathetic (even just the group organiser) you may find it easier once someone knows you and baby. Plus you both get snacks! You may find some camaraderie and support there for both you and your dh.

This is very good advice! Church playgroups are much noisier than structured baby classes so you won’t feel as self conscious.

Yep I had one of those too! Just cried a lot whatever we did.
I went to a whole term of music mummies where she sat in the pushchair and scowled (with hindsight I'm not sure why I persevered).
People would stare in the street... rather than those old ladies who say 'oh It's a shame they grow up' I had people stop me and reassure me that they grow up.

She was my second, she's now 6. She's highly strung but that's it. Her sense of smell and touch are really really strong so I wonder if that was overwhelming for her.

Whatever it was for her and is for you, it will pass... if you don't need to go to baby groups donMt bother. They are for your sanity not hers!

OP I don’t wish to alarm you but my eldest was the same. He hated baby and toddler groups and screamed at them constantly as a baby then as as toddler would get agitated and hit out. I stopped taking him. He was later diagnosed with autism and adhd. These were indicators of noise sensitivity early on. He still hates places that are noisy and busy but we just tend to avoid them and attends mainstream school with support. He does well generally and is now 10. Your meant to enjoy these groups not feel upset at them. Also as for the dummy I wouldn’t worry about that. My babies all had dummies at 6 months old but only used them for naps. It may not be anything other than your baby doesn’t like these places but id it’s not pleasant there are other things you both may enjoy.

You're not doing anything wrong hun. Mine wasn't a screamer but my god he put everything in his mouth. At baby classes all the other kids would play with the toys or use the spoon to bang the drum etc but mind would just sit there and dribble all over it!

I found the cheap church baby/toddler groups the best. Much more relaxed. They dont all use webpages but out local ones had posters out in their notice board (no religion is preached in ours). Plus with toddlers running around the noise is so loud no one would bat an eyebrow.

Try not to worry about looks. Every parent will have moments of screaming, crying, tantrums, getting vomited over etc... just focus on enjoying your little one or conforting them. One day these will all just be memories and funny stories as they've grown up so try and enjoy the time you get x

Ah op my first daughter was a screamer I used to be so embarrassed. I was 21 when I had her and remember thinking are people judging me for being young and that it's my fault or something!. I remember going to baby places and she would be the only one screaming and she'd do it on the bus literally every where. I genuinely think she just grew out of it by one but like @Fundays12 Post. She was also diagnosed with the exact same thing. I'm sure the noise was just too much for her.
I never bothered taking the rest I personally never saw the point of them. They don't mingle with other babies and we enjoyed the same time at home!
I think for me they was more just having a break from "being mum" and talking to other women and having a coffee. Sorry to hear about your diagnosis too. My husband has just got rid of it and is now on surveillance for the next 5 years. I hope you'll be great also. Look after yourself x