Tween double punishment

[LDA123]

My husband and I are separated and the children were with him this weekend.

Whilst there, I had an email from my daughter’s tutor (doing 11+) to say she was disrespectful and disruptive in class. I told my ex (irritated I’d brought it up on his weekend) and he obviously had words with her.

When she came home, we had a chat. She is going to apologise to the tutor next week (which she had already agreed to do with Dad). But I took it one step further and said she can’t play video games until next weekend (after her next session with tutor).

Ex is mad and thinks I’m being totally unreasonable and he had already dealt with situation and now I’m “double punishing”. Co-parenting like this is a recent thing so still finding our way.

Am I being unreasonable? We’ve never had any behavioural issues before and I’m really shocked she was disrupting the class. I feel that surely there has to be some consequence of her poor behaviour?

But am I undermining him by implementing my own punishment? He has them EOW.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I think he is right, if he dealt with it and punished her at his house why would you punish her again?

Am I being unreasonable? We’ve never had any behavioural issues before and I’m really shocked she was disrupting the class. I feel that surely there has to be some consequence of her poor behaviour?

If anything you should be sitting her down and asking her why she behaved like that and getting to the bottom of it.

Co-parenting like this is a recent thing so still finding our way

I'd imagine that the recent split is the reason behind her behaviour. Yes I think you have double punished her. Even if he hadn't punished her I'd have thought that your punishment was extreme.

Also, Do you think she may be rebelling a bit, not a lot of kids would be happy to spend 5 days at school and then have a 'tutor' at the weekend. The amount of pressure parents put on their kids for 11+ is ridiculous.

That’s the problem, she doesn’t really want to do it. He is insisting, no choice. When I spoke to her, she said she will do it (but I don’t know how much of that is because of the “words” he had).

I feel if she really really doesn’t want to do it, then I don’t think we should force her. But that is a separate issue.

Surely being rude to a teacher and disruptive deserves some consequences? So much that he felt the need to email. I’d been rewarding her with extra screen time if she did her homework, tried her best etc.

I agree with @MossGrowsFat. As the split is recent and this is out of character for your DD, it seems obvious that the two are related. She's probably struggling with the split more than you had realised. Your DD needs some extra love and support right now, not discipline and punishments and feeling that she's caused a disagreement between her parents.

I think he's in the right.

School punishes, parent has a word, and leave it there.

Don't add another punishment - same whether in one household or across two.

If your DC becomes a repeat offender, then that might need to be changed.

You need to think ahead and actually talk to her father about how to show a united front on discipline and standards during the teen years. Which includes who hears from the schools - I recommend you get it set up so you both get everything, and the parent in the house she goes home to on day of incident is the one who deals with it.

I feel terrible now. Like I said, we’ve never had any school issues so I wasn’t sure of the best way to handle it. I few days earlier he was telling me I’m too soft and let them get away with everything ☹️ I don’t want to go back on what I’ve said now but because I can give her an opportunity to help me out a bit to earn it back. Her behaviour has been quite difficult for a while now, fighting with siblings, rude, disrespectful etc so it wasn’t a one off. She can be absolutely lovely too though.

We are not amicable at this stage so makes it very tricky but I hope one day we will get there.

I think you need to explain to her that you got it wrong double punishing her and that you know it's difficult with the

He only expressed his annoyance at me via text so she has no idea he isn’t happy. I’ve been shielding them from all the general upset. She doesn’t know about our disagreements (I don’t see him at all, only communicate via text).

Sorry- posted too soon

Recent split but that her behaviour was unacceptable.
You need to let her know it's tough and you are all working through it not just leave her double punishment in place because you messed up .

I did think maybe the no ST might turn into a good thing as whilst the others are playing, we could have some one on one time together. Also she can watch TV if she wants. Obviously she didn’t see it like that though!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with changing a set punishment if you now believe it’s too much. Never really understood this can’t back down now I’ve said it attitude- if you reflect on a situation and think your response was not proportionate then talk to her about it and change it. This is a good lesson for kids, that as adults we are sometimes finding our way and can be reflective and make changes- after all isn’t this a skill we want them to learn?

Have a chat with her, let her know you’ve been thinking about it and whilst you still are not pleased with what happened you realise that your punishment may be too much, especially as she is going to put the work in to make up for what she did. Reduce it to a couple of days ban if you still want to make the point.

School gives consequences for school
Parents dont double up
But do talk and listen to her
Have you considerd behaviour communicates her feelings about the split?
Encourage her to speak to school counsellor
listen to her
Dont just punish

I have spoken to the school and they offered a counsellor. I discussed with her and she has refused and said she doesn’t want to speak to anyone.

Ive just had a chat with with her and said maybe I was too hasty banning for the whole week. I asked her what she thinks and she said a couple of days instead so we have agreed that. I hope she will enjoy a bit of one on one time with me in those days.

You cannot shield a tween completely
Nor do you need to explain all details
But you do need to talk and listen
"Different without dad here isnt it?" "It s big change for you isnt it?"
Listen to her

"How to talk so teens will listen" is useful book for sone tips

I think enough has been done in terms of a "punishment"
I would have a chat about why she behaved like that, is she worried about 11 plus, is she finding it too hard, are there issues around the seperation, the tutor's approach and attitude
Remember this may also be a reflection on the tutor, their ability to engage your daughter and manage behaviour
If it continues, ask the tutor what they are doing to manage her behaviour and how you can back them up, and how you can support your daughter. You are not entirely responsible for your daughter's behaviour when in the tutor's care
Children use behaviour more than words to express their feelings, so there is something behind this

Well done OP, that sounds like a better outcome. It's a tricky adjustment for all of you!

We have known the tutor for many years and like and respect him. He has stated he doesn’t want her in his class so are just looking at other options.

Like I said, the crux of the problem is that she doesn’t want to do it at the moment (although is very capable). Think will just have to wait and see what happens.

We do talk. I bring up Dad leaving and ask how she is getting on. We generally have a good relationship.

I might check it out, thank you. I have to admit that I do find it hard sometimes with the 4 of them and all the other stuff that’s going on. I‘m doing my best but probably need all the help I can get!

So Dad wants her to have a tutor?

He is adamant she has to do it.

Then it is his problem. I would step away completely, he can organise, he can pay and he can sanction.

Regardless on views of tutoring, it is a complete waste if the child doesn't want to be there, you don't say how old she is (tutoring for 11+ starts from 7 here...) but a divorce, hormones, tiredness from school, school and friendships all are hard.