Partner to do night feed

[PollysPocket1]

I'm at breaking point with my 5mo dd. I have been feeling down for weeks about lack of sleep, constant night waking and today had a true breakdown to DP.

He's offered to do all the night feeds for her tonight even though he's working a 13 hour shift tomorrow (he works in a call centre ). I feel so guilty at the thought but he's said he wants to do it for my mental health as he can see how bad it's got.

Please tell me if I should let him or is this unfair because he has work? Don't even know if DD will settle with him but something has to give

Definitely let him! Looking after a baby the next day is likely harder (and has worse consequences if you were to make a mistake/do something unsafe) than working in a call centre.

You need your sleep, and baby needs you well rested tomorrow.

Call centre work is brutal, ive done it in the past and could not do a 12 hrs shift after no sleep. Could he take a few days parental leave to do the night wakings ?

Let him do it. My husband did the majority of ours then went on to Uni then later down the line work. I did feel guilty at first but I was at home with 2 kids already and a newborn I'm shattered plus dealing at the time with bad Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts.
I Wasn't napping throughout the day etc and I know he is tired also but he genuinely wanted to do it.

So I agreed. This time I'm hoping to do all the night feeds. It's hard doing nigjt feeds and if you got someone that doesn't mind doing it, let them. I had so many friends telling me how lazy I was that my "poor dh" had to do it. Erm no he created this child also! It isn't just exclusive to mums.

I’d share the night feeds as he does have a 13hr shift tomorrow. This will still help you immensely.

Actually, I would make sharing the night feeds permanent, not a one off “holiday”.

Think what would work best for you given all your sleeping patterns. Here are some suggestions:

1- One of you takes 6pm to midnight, the other midnight to 6am
2- One of you feeds, the other changes nappy, winds and settles back to sleep
3- You take turns so you each get around 4hrs sleep between feeds

Let him do it OP. Worst case scenario he has to call in sick to work in the morning/ request urgent parental leave or whatever the best thing is for his work situation. You are at breaking point so he’s offered to flex his normal routine tonight. Parents have to do this sometimes. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will reset things for you so you can cope for the rest of his working week.
Think about who else could help you out too. Could a friend or family member take your baby for the afternoon sometimes so you can have a nap? Could you sleep at 8 or 9pm regularly and your husband does any wakes up until 1am ish?
Your baby’s sleep will improve and you will start getting more time to sleep yourself. This is a temporary thing.

Of course he should do it - he's offered, take the help tonight, you need it. Then look at @Discovereads message and try and work out the best rota for the future. It's his baby too!

Meant to say, when we were going through this I went to bed around 8, leaving DS downstairs with DP who did a feed around 11 then brought him up to bed and settled him. That meant I was getting a good six hours before the cluster feeding nightmare started around 2am. You've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Yes id let him do it as he's offered but I don't agree long term it's the solution. He is working you aren't and I don't agree in dividing up night shifts when one works and the other is on ML

Let him do it one night won't kill him....or go for a sleep while ge had the equivalent of his evening and make a plan to share going forward.

The thing is ML doesn’t last forever and eventually there comes a time where you will need to share and if you haven’t built in sharing from early on (first 12weeks) then you’re stuck in a situation where these complaints are common:
1- DH doesn’t wake when the baby wakes, he sleeps right through it
2- Baby won’t settle with DH so I always have to get up too
3- Baby refuses the bottle so DH can’t do night feeds
4- DH refuses to do night feeds, says I’ve always done them and it can’t be that much of an issue as baby sleeps longer now

Thanks everyone and thanks @TeaAndJaffacakes about saying it's temporary. I do know this deep down but it's so so hard to believe when you're in the depths of it.

DP has text his manager who said he can work from home tomorrow which would make tonight easier but I'm still not 100% it's the right thing. Going to see how I feel closer to bed time. Last night was bad though. I actually walked away from DD in her crib at about 1am because I didn't know what else to do. Went and sat on the sofa for 5 minutes to regroup

DH did and he started a brutal new job at the same time. 2yrs on he still really hands on and does bedtime with her and she calls for him first at night. I think it’s important for you both that he does a bit of it so he truly understands how hard it is and also you should both be able to do the same parenting tasks. It’s one night, it’s tough but he can do it.

Going forward I would suggest splitting nights a bit or you do weekdays he does weekends.

There is no way to parent fairly and have both of you feeling rested and refreshed in the first year unless you have an amazing sleeping baby. We went with both fucking knackered.

Please let him do it, the sleep will do you good

I have a 3 month old and feel your pain, but I'm getting sleep. How does he sleep in the night and how often does he feed? Z

That’s the right thing to do- walking away and taking a time out for a few minutes. It can get very hard and overwhelming. Sleep deprivation is horrible.

@PollysPocket1 absolutely let him do it.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It is no good for anyone, especially new mums who need to basically care for their child 24/7 while their partner works.
Set everything up for him in advance where you can. Maybe do a final feed before settling baby then go to bed. Let him change, feed and settle for the night. If he has problems I am sure he will wake you for help.
Yes he will be tired the next day, but you are tired every day.
One night of sleep will make you feel heaps better.
Maybe have a rule that when he isnt at work he does the nights so you have time off every week to sleep.

DH does the night feeds now. If DD wakes up he normally doesnt hear the monitor so I wake him and he deals with DD. I always feel awful but he insists as I dont sleep brilliantly as she is restless and sets the monitor off frequently. The added bonus is as soon as he is back in bed he is asleep in seconds.
Since he has been doing this it has hugely helped my mental health as I was struggling so much.
Granted some nights DD doesnt wake at all, many times she only wakes once but it still really gelps.

It is brutal, just make sure you find some time for yourself too.

Absolutely. One day of feeling like shit at work won’t kill him (unless he operates heavy machinery). Prolonged disrupted sleep is absolutely brutal and so bad for your mental and physical health- you need a break.

I’d suggest he does one week night and one weekend night each week. Or if the week nights are genuinely too much for him with work, he could do Friday and Saturday, giving you two solid nights to recharge.

Remember you’re working during the day too! You’re looking after a baby. If you weren’t able to do it, you’d have to pay someone to do it; it’s a job. You also need some rest so you can do it x

Amen!!!

Don’t feel guilty about accepting help! It’s really important for your health to get some sleep. My DH has been doing the night feeds recently after I started to get awful insomnia from being constantly on edge about when DD would wake up and not being able to go back to sleep after feeds. We will probably go back to sharing but DH finds it much easier than I do to fall asleep after the night feeds and has always been a better sleeper than I am. If night wakeups are frequent splitting the night also works well so you both can get some sleep - we did that for the first 8 weeks.

Come up with a plan say you go to bed at 9pm and he feeds til say 2am, then he sleeps through and you get up for the rest of the night. Or vice versa depending on what works best ... or something similar where you're both taking a shift.

Also sleep in the day when your baby sleeps and sod cleaning and cooking just batch cook and defrost and reheat

Also sleep in the day when your baby sleeps
Yes, take advantage of this with DC#1 because it’s the only baby you can do this with! If you go on to have more, you lose this perk.

I find the sleep when the baby sleeps advice a bit overrated. It only worked for me for the first few weeks when baby would sleep in the Moses basket. Other than finding it hard to sleep during the day it doesn’t work if your baby only wants to contact nap or nap in a moving pram or in the sling.