How to stop my step son from hitting us

[Spicybananas]

I’m a step mum to a wonderful 4 year old boy. I’ve been with his dad since he was a baby so I’ve been in his life a while now. We have him 4 days a week including every weekend. He’s my partner’s only child and I don’t have any children so between us it’s just him so he gets all of our love and attention.

He’s always been slightly challenging behaviour wise but it’s got much worse the last 3 months or so with lots of hitting. I find it much harder to handle than his dad does (because he’s not directly mine I guess) but I get very upset when he hits me - and it’s quite aggressive sometimes with lots of hair pulling and kicking which even though he’s only small really hurts!

What’s the best way for us to manage this behaviour? He does it at his mum’s house too but I think I’m his main ‘target’ - the rest of the time he adores me (and I adore him!) and we spend lots of time together just the two of us as well so it isn’t constant, it’s more just random outbursts. I don’t want him to start hitting other kids at school or his brothers (his mum does have other children). I want to help him manage his feelings as I know at 4 there’s a lot of them and it’s hard to process. (He has tried to hit one of his brothers before so we’re worried this might progress)

Also how can I manage my own feelings towards it and not get so upset?

thanks all.

If this has just started, age 4, id be concerned that something has happened to kick this off. 4 is developmentally pretty old to start being violent. There's something else going on here.

He was 4 recently so started when he was 3. It’s got worse the last few months but probs started a few months after his 3rd birthday.

I would work on his emotional literacy, validating his difficult feelings, really trying to see things from his perspective, and being really kind with him. I find kids who lash out are often sensitive kids with hurt feelings (and little ones, especially around 3+) get hurt feelings really easily.

It's the difference between saying "ok that's enough messing around, it's bedtime now" and "I'm having so much fun playing with you! Your body needs rest so it's time to go to bed but I can't wait until we can play this again tomorrow. Do you want some bedtime cuddles?"

That approach makes a huge difference in my experience. Far fewer tantrums because my 3 year old doesn't feel rejected. Not always easy to implement, takes practice but works.

Not sure if that resonates with your situation but thought I'd share as I've really noticed that around 3 my daughter became more reactive too.