Much wanted grandsons clearly favourite

[Chaiteatoast]

I have two daughters and although they had no cousins for a few years, they now have two cousins born from my brother and DHs brother just weeks apart.

Everything was great at first but I knew that eventually, my nephew would become my Dad's main focus. Hes now almost 2. He was evidently disappointed on learning I'd had another girl when my second daughter was born and had been "sure" she was going to be a boy. He now visits my nephew every single weekend and my girls around every 3 weeks. I keep inviting him along to their performances and days out with us but he declines and often says "sorry I'm seeing grandson that day" even if he has recently seen him and not seen my girls for a while.

I don't have a great relationship with him anyway as he always made much more time for my brother than myself over the years so part of me thinks its no loss. But I feel for my girls who have clearly become second best. My mum doesn't treat them like this thankfully and her and Dad are separated.

MIL having had 2 boys who she adores and a daughter that she sees as more of a nuisance, longed for grandsons too. Prior to her grandson being born almost 2 years ago, she would always bring little pocket money toys and clothes for my girls, but it's now her grandson that she buys things for, telling my girls "you have enough clothes and stuff." She also keeps telling everybody, including my daughters that shes "grandsons favourite." It's the other way around. FIL is not like this at all and treats them all the same.

MIL is DHs problem, I keep a distance because I think she's slightly inhinged, but my Dad is my problem.

I don't enjoy his company anyway, he's draining to be around but I always kept a relationship with him for the sake of my kids. Now wondering, why bother?

I hate that this sort of thing happens in families but it clearly does. My brother seems proud that my nephew is clearly favourited by our Dad so there's no speaking to him about this. It's also driving a wedge between me and him.

How do people manage these situations? I can see it just getting worse.

I’d just stop inviting him to things and if he doesn’t bother then neither do you , frankly it’s no loss . My children had a wonderful relationship with my mum ( my dad died before either of them were born ) and my sister and literally zero relationship with my in-laws because they went NC with me when when our eldest was 4/5 and before our youngest was born . They’ve missed out on nothing , my mum and sister took them on holidays / days out , had a big swimming pool in their garden etc . There is nothing to be gained by making your children have relationships with people who are ultimately not very nice people .

A big part of me agrees @Floralnomad . Weirdly, my dad still expects to see them once wvery 2-3 weeks but it's all on his terms. He gives me a time that he will be coming over to our house to visit (we can never visit him as he won't have us) and I often tell him we'll be out but invite him along with us and he declines. It's just sad to discover that he has yet again declined because he's visiting his grandson/my nephew.

His visits are pretty awful too. He monologues about work, ignores the girls and then leaves.

If he ignores your girls them make sure you unavailable every time he wants to visit for the next few months.

Unfortunately some people are like that because they have internalised shit about daughters not carrying on his family name and/or family business and/or supporting them financially if they are old.

Since I know women 60 and below who have done all that and started meeting them as a teen I've always challenged it.

I definitely sense some misogynistic beliefs going on around daughters vs sons. My nephew obviously has his surname too.

He has his own agenda so he will ask them the same set of mundane questions about school and then start his monologue. The girls don't want to answer his questions and want to play with him so will climb on him etc but he gets irritable with them disrupting his monologue- he never tells them off but I can just tell. He's not self aware at all and I don't think he has any idea of how he comes across.

When he next wants to see them, tell him sorry, that date and time doesn't work for us. Then hang up.

I would go low contact, frankly, and I would forget about facilitating a relationship with your girls. Misogyny is terribly damaging to girls.

My exMIL derived her life's meaning from being the mother of boys. I had three successive MCs after DD1 was born, and her response was, "Don't worry, you'll have a boy yet." I would happily have given birth to a litter of kittens at that point. She sent what was definitely a boy jacket (blue/ brown colour scheme) as a gift to little DD around this time too. I let her wear it when doing muddy play. It was trashed by the time DS arrived.

Many years later she was warbling on about her genius grandson (SIL's DS), the next Einstein apparently, and I gradually realized the Boy Wonder was doing exactly the same maths courses that all of my DCs were doing. The girls including female cousins) ultimately had their revenge in the form of degrees in engineering, computer science, economics, bio statistics...

Crikey just tell him you are going out next time . I will say that my husband used to take our kids to his parents about once every couple of months for an hour or two and when my daughter was about 12 ( son had already stopped going) she came home after a visit and said she wasn’t going again because neither of the in-laws actually spoke to her they just wanted to talk to my husband

😁

My type of women.

It’s sad but you can’t force him to want a close relationship with them. It’s his loss - the kids won’t miss what they never had.

I would stop worrying about it and be less available to him in the future.

My nephew obviously has his surname too.

If your brother has a daughter, particularly one he gets on with because she is his female mini-me, then and only then will he have a problem with your dad. Until and if that happens then don't really engage with your brother about all your children.

This makes me so sad.

I was that "unwanted" granddaughter and my mother was trying to keep her MIL and my grandmother in my life until I was a teenager. From when I was around 13, she gradually disappeared from my life completely. She never accepted that I wasn't my brother and there never was a grandson - my brother and my parents' first child was stillborn. I think deep inside my father never accepted me either and was desperate to get me into boyish stuff and study economics to then take over his business. I went against him and did my own thing which I have excelled in, but despite all the accolades this was never good enough for him either. The result is, after 30+ years of tugging I am finally NC with him too. I regret ever having been exposed to my grandmother and had I been able to decide for myself then, I'd rather not have had her in my life at all. I sometimes miss my father, and I bet he'd dote on my DS, but honestly, in a grand scheme of things life is too short for toxic people. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, naturally as your DDs mum it must be very hard for you to watch.

Sorry to hear this OP. I have an almost mirror situation with my two DC and my DSS. My PIL have my DSS all the time (once or twice a week), collect him from school for tea, have him in the holidays, buy him nearly all his clothes. They only see my DC if it’s incidental to seeing my DSS because he’s with us at the time.They will drop DSS off with new toys and none for my DC. Recently MIL actually sat shopping for DSS on Amazon with him and didn’t include my DC at all…! (They were sat next to them!!)

by contrast they probably have my DC for a few hours 2-3x a year! And it’s getting more and more infrequent. Probably 3-4x now we have asked for help when we’ve been up against it at work and needed a hand (DC sent home from nursery but not really “ill”) and they’ve point blank said no. Even said they were incapable but the found they’d managed to have DSS anyway.

I could go on and on with examples of times they’ve been quite hurtful to me and my DC and prioritised my DH’s ex and DSS.

I’ve just had to acknowledge that it won’t change and treat them almost like they don’t exist. I only match their effort and don’t go out my way anymore.

I actually spoke to my counsellor who said MIL was putting her GC in a hierarchy like she did her own children and probably was what happened to her as a child. She said it was an example
of generational trauma (I think that’s the term) but basically I can’t change it.

Its really rubbish. Fortunately the rest of DH’s family aren’t like that (and some even recognise the injustice of what’s going on) and my DC have a great relationship with my family and their cousins who are all treated as a big group by my parents not ranked in order!!

Glad your Mum and FIL are more reasonable!

Do your girls really gain anything from a relationship with your Dad? He doesn't sound to be grandparent material - however much you'd like him to be.

He doesn't sound to be important in their lives.

Let him drift to the sidelines and they'll not miss him. The loss is his.
Put time into relationships that count more highly.

Hmm he certainly seems to like 'little boys'

Why on EARTH did you allow that to happen? For her to be buying toys for precious DSS in front of your DC???? I'm sorry but you need to take some blame for not immediately putting that to an end, removing your children and calling her out on it

I have a similar situation - my mum favours my brother and his kids over me and mine. It was very hurtful when they were young and the kids did feel it. My brother really enjoys the favouring too.

Eventually I just had to stop caring. I stopped inviting her to events, stopped telling her what the kids were up to (because she would respond by telling me something ’better’ one of my brother’s kids has done) We still see her but I don’t go to extra effort for her. Ultimately it is her that is missing out on the close relationship with them. And as my brother’s kids get older they don’t put a lot of effort into seeing her so it has backfired on her. Putting some emotional distance between us really helped me to feel happier and in control.

That's terrible @HotDogKetchup and I think probably worse than my own situation. I'd cut her off and let her know why. That's awful behaviour on her part. What does your DH say about it?

Yes I think missing my Dad's calls and allowing the relationship with him to just fade is probably worth considering. My Dad won't leave it though and I'm guessing he'll start calling me daily and ramp up the contact. He wants to see them but only on his terms and wants to see his grandson much more often. It hurts because it's resurfaced feelings from when I was little when he always sided with my brother, always did things with him and not me.

I feel for my girls that this is happening on both sides of the family. They are closer to MIL so have noticed more.

How has it affected your relationship with your brother @Remaker knowing that he's enjoying it?

This seems to be worryingly common. I know my own inlaws are very much about the family name etc.

You could either: reduce contact with your father when the kids are around.
Or carry on and as the kids get older tell them some people are very silly about these things. Challenge it with him as it comes up. Teach them they will face this stupidity as they grow older and use it as a way to make them stronger.

We rarely see them, DH might take them
for a few hours every few months. I try and leave it to DH as she is very forthright, will be totally indignant and if I say anything we WILL fall out and the only way we will make up is if I apologise. So I’m treading carefully. I can’t change her even if saying something makes me feel better.

@Chaiteatoast DH recognises it but has a very superficial relationship with his Mum. She has prioritised his ex (they’ve been spilt up over a decade so it’s not recent) and is wedged up her arse. He just says it is what it is. MIL helps a lot with DSS so it’s difficult for him to criticise.

Fil was the same, we’re nc.

Just stop the contact then. It's no loss really is it. It's his loss