I thought I'd be a better parent than I am..

[Loobylootwo]

I have two DC, 26 months and 6 weeks old. Pre children I used to think I was naturally really good with children, loved seeing friends' and family's kids, actively found ways to spend time with them and think of fun/creative activities to do. I was a nanny throughout university years and aged 18 seemed more capable looking after three children under 5 than I am now, mid 30s looking after my own children 😐

I thought I'd be an arty, baking mum. Instead I use screen time more than I probably should, am always exhausted, serve pasta 5 dinners a week and just feel more out of my depth than ever. I want to do what's best for my children but not sure I'm even close.

Not really sure why I'm posting - maybe seeing if it's a common feeling?!

You’re in the trenches right now and there’s not much baking & art you can do with a 2 year old and a newborn!

Personally I’d concentrate on reading books to your dc, aiming for 5-a-day & getting out for exercise. Save the rest for when they’re a bit older.

And you’re exhausted because it’s exhausting! It honestly gets a lot easier. Until they become teenagers.

Welcome to the club...
Look at this way, you'd be bored if it was so easy to be perfect.

One time i complimented my childminder (herself a mother of 4) on how well behaved her charges were. She replied to me with puzzlement: "Of course they are well behaved, they aren't my children!"

You've got a tiny baby and a toddler. You're doing just fine. It's about surviving and doing what you can without burning out at this stage.

Do you have a partner? Are they doing their fair share?

I found having a toddler and baby so hard. It was a real shock to the system for me as I found having one fine. Dd2 was much more highly strung than chilled dd1 had been though. I found it got easier the older they got. I've found the teenage years much easier than having a baby and toddler. Eldest is at uni now. Hang in there. Don't write yourself off as not a good mum yet. It's too early to say that. Getting through the days was all I managed at that age (and yes with plenty of screen time) but they've turned out fine. In fact they're lovely.

Tough ages op, give yourself a break! Mine are 4 and 7 months. Cooking is ok but not quite how I'd like it and with the odd ready meal or freezer meal. I get out and about lots and stimulate them, take my eldest on play dates. Not enough time to clean. I put myself together each day. Overall I think I'm doing ok.

When the youngest was tiny it was very much just about survival though. I'm sure you're doing just fine.

Oh am sure you are a fantastic mum!!
No parent is perfect and we all do what we need to do to get through that moment in time. So yours is currently iPad and pasta it’s not the worst thing in the world and it’s just for now. Give it time your kids will get older and you’ll have the time and energy to do the things you want to do with them.
My worst moment was finding my 2 year old a sleep in bed with the iPad on his face as he had fallen asleep watching it, I was in a terrible job stressed beyond belief and the only way I could get through it was iPad at bedtime. Roll on 10 years he left primary on greater depth for reading and loves to read so iPad at bedtime for a while didn’t affect him to badly.
Just enjoy your time with them without putting pressure on yourself.

Me too, op. I bet you're doing better than you think.

Sending solidarity.

I thought I'd be better too. But the reality it's a drudge a lot if the time. It doesn't get easier until they go to school, and then a whole different set of issues! I thought I'd be more patient and caring. But I did resent the amount of time they took and how I seemed to suddenly just be X's mum, as if I didn't have over 40 years of living and experiences!

At this stage if you get through the day, everyone gets fed, changed, loved & a warm bed to sleep in you're doing great.

It is so much easier when you get to hand them back and go have a life! This is parenthood and it will get better when you’re not spending so much of your day wiping bums.

I felt absolutely the same when DD was 2, just bored and uninspired, borderline depressed and using screen time to get a mental break from the monotony of it all. It gets waaaaay more fun around 2.5, and loads better at 3+. I spent the day making Halloween decorations with my 3 year old (I was just sat on the couch drinking coffee while she brought art supplies over and told me what she wanted me to make). Then she helped me cook dinner and it was actually quite fun (and not total chaos). None of this would have been possible 6 months ago.

They won't even have memories of this time so don't worry about not being a Pinterest perfect mum. Survive, and believe me it gets so much more fun after 2.5/3.

When do these 'trenches' end though?
I have a 4 months old and it's really hard and exhausting mentally and physically. My households mood depends on whether the baby decides to nap a lot or not; if not then he's cranky and demanding and everyone's on edge.

What I hear from people is that the future isn't that great - teething, threenager, toddler tantrums, separation anxiety, never ending sleep regressions, and then teenage years are apparently even worse.
why does it have to be so hard.

I just found it got easier as time went on. I found a baby and toddler extremely hard but teenagers ok

It’s the sleep deprivation which does it.

I have a (nearly) 3 week old and a 23 month old. My eldest was becoming easier and easier as my 2nd was born, the fact he can talk now and communicate some of what he wants has really helped with this.
Obviously since my youngest has come along we are back in chaosville. Both are not very good sleepers which makes everything very difficult, I have high sleep needs plus I'm recovering from a C-section so I need rest. It's tough. I can absolutley see the light at the end of the tunnel when I look at my eldest though, when my youngest is a similar age they will be able to entertain each other and my eldest is a lot of fun at his current age, I'm looking forward to 2 like that.

On the original topic, I'm nothing like the mum I expected. I had amazing relationships with nieeces/nephews/friends kids and thought I would be the same with mine. I'm very much not, simply because I have so much more to juggle but when I had other peoples kids, I could focus on just them. Also my eldest puts everything in his mouth so I can't do things like colouring in or painting or crafts like I had imagined because he eats everything. I don't play with him as much as I imagined because I don't have time. I read to him lots which he loves and its something I can do with the baby in my arms, otherwise CBeebies is a saviour. Things will change and improve as the get older OP, in the mean time we are just doing what we need to do to get through each day. Parenting is tough, sleep deprivation makes it much tougher.

Thanks for all the replies. I do have a brilliant partner who absolutely shares the load with me but I've also breastfed them both (eldest wasn't a great sleeper, newborn still naturally up a lot at night), had one tricky birth, and one tricky pregnancy and I think my tiredness levels are off the charts. Maybe in some ways I feel like I've surrendered so much physically to just becoming a mother, I've run out of pump for being the one I want to be... I do feel in my bones that even if it doesn't get easier it will get better, I just want to enjoy it all a bit more.

Totally common! I have some days where I feel like Mary Poppins and the next, Peppa Pig and Bluey are a girl's best friend.

I've been trying to be mindful and stay present rather than dwell too much on what could be. At the end of the day, children only know what they have! So when we think about all the times we COULD have taken them to the park, or do baking, or whatever activity you would deem ideal, our children are only thinking about what we have done already. They don't know what they've "missed" (/not missed anything at all!)