Feeling guilty for second baby

[SassyPants87]

had a baby on Thursday and I just didn’t get that overwhelming feeling of love like I did for my DD. If anything I just felt so much guilt that it had just been us and DD, we gave her all the love and attention in the world and now her life was going to change and she would have to share that with someone else. I felt sad that it won’t be just me and her anymore if that makes sense?

also doesn’t help that I forgot how relentless the newborn period is currently been awake ALL night trying to get him to settle whereas I was spoilt with FF and she’s always been an amazing baby!

anybody else ever felt this way and does it get better? :(

Spoilt with DD*

I felt a bit sad in the first week or two after bringing DC2 home but by week 3 I knew I'd made the right decision. DC1 absolutely adores the baby, is always asking to see and cuddle her, and gets upset when she's not around.

Give yourself and your older DD time. It's normal for feelings to be unsettled at this stage.

Btw, I didn't feel the "overwhelming surge of love" with either of my babies, I think because the bond developed while they were still inside me. Anyway, I love them both to death.

There's nothing like the shock of going from one to two! I think the idea that all mothers fall in love the moment the baby comes out is unhelpful - I suspect it's very common not to. Fwiw I've got three and only felt that all-consuming sense with my last. With the first two it was a slow burn in the days and weeks after the birth.

Yes, it is a new dynamic for the whole family and I think it's perfectly fine to feel sad that you've left a happy time behind. I remember all too well that overwhelming feeling of 'what have I done?' when ds1 came along after dd. Change is hard, but the newborn change is really hard. But you've also given your daughter an enormous gift, potentially a friend for life. Let her be involved, let her 'help', let her 'entertain' him. And try to maintain cuddles all round.

Yes, newborns are a shock every time. Do you have a partner who's sharing the load? Don't try to be super woman, just hunker down with your little family and start to adjust at your own rate. You're only two days in and you're learning this new little person but it will get better I promise.

And congratulations on your lovely baby 😊

Thank you @CoalCraft and @franke it really helped me to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. You both articulated exactly how I feel (and it also made me cry but I’m just an emotional mess right now!)
I do feel sad that I’ve left behind this life I’ve known and now jumped into the unexpected. I forgot how relentless and hard the newborn phase is!

just need to keep telling myself that each week gets easier and easier.

I had my 4th baby on Thursday too! And no, I got the rush of love with my first child but not with the subsequent 3 if I’m honest 😆 No idea why, perhaps just the novelty factor the first time? Don’t worry though, I love them all to pieces now and you’ll feel exactly the same about your son as your daughter before you know it! Congrats and I’m enduring those broken nights alongside you 🤪

I definitely felt your pain. I have a 3 year old and a 3.5 month old. It was really hard for the first 2.5 months -- my baby son had colic and I almost never saw my daughter because I was constantly bouncing the baby in a dark room trying to soothe him/get him to sleep.

It was a massive adjustment period, I deeply missed my daughter and cried about it often. DH even became her preferred parent for awhile which had NEVER been the case previously. 3.5 months on, things have really settled down and we have a new normal. Both kids go to bed at a similar time, we have a routine and finally have some breathing room. I value the time with my eldest more than ever and I am enjoying the baby more and more as he gets bigger.

It felt like an eternity at times, but the weeks eventually passed and things are so so much better now! Just took a few months.

I also had a baby on Thursday so jumping on too to send a virtual cuddle! Totally with you on feeling overwhelmed - it's amazing how you totally block out the newborn phase and it all comes flooding back and hits you like a tonne of bricks! Luckily for me my DD absolutely adores her new sister and just wants to cuddle and kiss her constantly but I do feel guilty for just being on the sofa cuddling baby while she wants to play with me. I've been trying to involve her as much as possible so asking her to pass me nappies/muslins/outfit changes for baby and I've been doing her meals so it isn't just her and Daddy and me and baby. It's tough when you're used to one child being the centre of your world but I know in the long run the benefits of having a sibling will outweigh any negatives.

Honestly I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your experiences with me. It’s really helped me feel like this is normal and it will pass :)

I know this is a couple of years old now but gosh, I could have written this myself, literally to the letter. I just had my baby yesterday and currently feeling so guilty and sad that I’ve ruined the beautiful and amazing relationship I have with my DD aged 3. I love her so much and I feel like things will never be the same again. Please tell me your worries were unfounded @SassyPants87 🙏🏻😭

@Newyearsevebaby wow can’t believe so much time has passed since this thread and also just feels like yesterday!

it definitely got SO much better!! My little one is 20 months now and I adore the bones off him! I can’t imagine our lives without him and he and his sister are always playing together, it’s the sweetest thing.

It did take us a while to get to this point because I did end up getting post natal depression but that was through a whole host of things not just that initial time at the beginning, and so it took a bit longer for me to bond with him

I promise it will get easier and the guilt will subside. It will feel like you’re on the craziest roller coaster ever but just ride it out, it will be worth it xx

Thanks so much for replying @SassyPants87 Sorry to hear that your suffered with PND but glad to hear you’re much happier now. I remember these intense post partum hormones from last time but you forget how horrible they can be!