What family rules work for you?

[SavannaBadana]

We are in the process of becoming kinship carers for 5 of our family children. It is currently just me and my wife and we are chatting about what we think will be some family rules to get us off to as good a start as possible whilst we all adjust and the children settle in. What rules do you have a family and what has worked/not worked? And how do you implement them :D

We don't have many, but everyone has to eat dinner together by the kitchen table with no screens. This makes sure that we have time to talk etc.

How old are the children? Very vital information!

I can only give my experience for toddlers. Our main rule is that we eat and drink at the table or sitting on the floor (not wandering around).

As per @CardiffMam you MUST eat at the kitchen table. No ifs or buts. If you are eating then you are at the table. It promotes conversation, mutual respect and absolutely no gadgets allowed.

I would say pick your battles with rules. Don't be too harsh, particularly in the situation you are in.

Always have family dinners where possible (gets harder as kids get older and they go to endless clubs)

I do not tolerate any of the family being rude to each other (kind words etc when they are little)

Always read together before they go to bed,

No screens in the bedrooms.

It will hugely depend on the age of the children. Our house rules change as the family grows/they get older/

I think in your situation family rules may not be the the way to go but more an ethos of in our home we respect each other, we respect our home and we look after each other. Then you can use that kind of lanaguage with the children when they don’t follow it saying “we’re kind to each other” rather than we don’t shout at each other and we look after our hike rather than you don’t leave rubbish out.
we also find with teens that relaxing what we do works well; we always eat together at the table but on a Friday or Saturday night we’re much more relaxed with that and our teen liked that opportunity to watch her tv shows while watching the TV

No lying. If you mess up, be honest about it and we will hope you sort it. Hide it and we can't.

Everyone helps with housework (I don't mean 4yos scrubbing toilets... things like helping set the table or picking up toys)

All eat together, no screens at the table, no physical violence, speak to each other with respect. I think in your situation you may need to be flexible but I would also perhaps add in respecting peoples personal space as these dc may need a place to be alone. Depending on ages you could add in things like make your own bed, put your own laundry in the basket, tidy away toys, help make a meal.

Thanks so much, it is so helpful to see what other parents do and love the idea of more of an ethos rather than "rules". The children are 3,5,11,14, 16 so quite an age range x

What kinda bedtimes do your children have?

From when ours were younger (they are all grown up now). Thinking about it, we still live by these rules now even though we only have one DC living at home.

• dont go into each other's rooms without invitation. This stops accusations of things being borrowed/broken. Also meant that own rooms were private.
• no sniping at each other. Dont wait for it to become a fight. Also meant that younger DCs had to follow the same rule as older DCs.
• be polite to each other, say please and thank you. This applies to everyone including adults.

I think with the older two/three its going to be "what time should they be home by?"

(My 11yo goes to bed between 8-8.30 but reads for a bit. She has one club that finishes at 8pm)

With those ages you are going to have to consider Social Media and phone rules as well.

I think with the younger ones it’s important to let them experiment and give them freedom to do things. Don’t say no unless there’s actually a good reason (it’s not safe, it’s time to go out etc).

So for example my toddler loves to get all his nappies out of the packet individually, open up each nappy and put them in a little pile. It’s not very convenient as I have to put them back after, but he’s enjoying it and it’s a “task” to him, he’s not just being destructive. So I let him do it.

Definitley set the expectation that everyone helps, even the younger ones. A 3 year old can help you unload the dishwasher and pass you things. (Take the sharp knives out though).

Respect in both directions is a good rule obviously it will start with you treating them respectfully and modelling that and then they need to be taught to treat you how you treat them.

Rules can be a bit of a weird one. They can come across as very authoritarian laying down rules on day 1 especially with teenage kids. I think given the ages of the kids involved I’d be more inclined to negotiate the rules with them around bedtime, going out in the evenings, screen time etc. Buy in from kids is half the battle. Have a look at therapeutic parenting info and you will get some great advice. Parenting classes are invaluable too only with parents in a similar situation because what works for non traumatised kids won’t work in your kid’s cases.

We have a couple of averarching ones, and the rest is in the interpretation. The kids have agreed.

We don't make peoples lives worse unless we can't help it. Including ours.

No dying. (Honestly, my 7yo has no impulse control and this one is shouted a LOT).

The first one covers things like manners, since rudeness upsets people, but does lead to an awful lot of in depth conversations about which manners really matter and why, and which are merely social convention or etiquette. It also covers hitting, meanness, apologising etc, but it leaves it all open to the kid's own interpretation. My DD has PDA and absolutely cannot be driven, so freedom to interpret it herself gets much better results.

I frequently discuss with them why we do certain things. Why it's better fit society, and why it's better for us personally. They get treated a lot better if the appear to be nicer.

We don't allow them to call each other stupid or idiot etc. I don't try to stop all bickering but if one uses an insult I step in.

No clothes on floor in bedroom. No cups or plates left overnight in rooms.

We eat together - mixture of at the table at the weekend plus on trays watching tv that everyone likes together.

@SalviaOfficinalis totally agree with your post but I wanted to add something to

So for example my toddler loves to get all his nappies out of the packet individually, open up each nappy and put them in a little pile. It’s not very convenient as I have to put them back after, but he’s enjoying it and it’s a “task” to him, he’s not just being destructive. So I let him do it.

a lot of my rules are conditional, eg you can get all the nappies out as long as you put them away again, or your can get the spices out as long as you only get a small number and put them away and don't spill them. That teaches him respect for my time and for the items.
It really hit home when he was looking inside the egg boxes in the supermarket while I was getting flour further down the aisle and someone looked worried and said "he's got the eggs!" And I was confident he won't break any.

Back to the OP, you can consider whether it's good to have family values rather than family rules? Or maybe a combination of the two.

Hi. 5! Wow. You might find help on the Fostering or Adoption boards, probably the Fostering one for you.
What you need might depend on why you are becoming carers (eg illness/death versus neglect abuse.

When we adopted one thing we had to make clear to 8yo was that we were the parents of the 2yo, we made the decisions, not her.
The 3&5 will need very different rules from the 11,14,16.

Older ones: Rules about level of freedom, what they have to ask, and what they can just inform (eg being in for meals, friends round etc). Being contactable by phone. Doing schoolwork, bedtimes / being up for school without fuss. What swearing is allowed. Politeness. Parenting by consent especially for eldest. (bedtime 8:30-11pm)

Younger: Eating at table, kind hands&feet, sharing, felt-tips at table, look after property, no throwing anything inside house. (bedtime 7pm)

Hope you have more than 1 bathroom.

With the older ones either no set bedtime (they are old enough to sort themselves), or maybe they should be in their room from, say 10pm. We have a family rule of no devices in the bedroom overnight, so I would expect all devices to be in the hall or downstairs from bedtime/room time. Including mine. If the older two are used to being on their phone half the night this may be difficult to enforce and may be more of an explanation / negotiation process.

Talk to them, especially the older ones. Make sure any rules have a reason. In our house eating is at the table because I got fed up of crisps and worse down the back of the sofa, but with potentially traumatised kids you may want to relax that if they are happier to eat elsewhere without strict expectations.

I guess it's more complicated than me just telling my kids to do something - especially with that age range and presumably the circumstances they are coming to you. Can you work with them to create a family ethos? Might help them feel part of the team more rather than just "here's some rules", especially for the older ones.

I think basic rules around respect are probably a good place to start - knock before entering bedrooms, put your dirty clothes in the wash basket etc and I'd make sure there's rules for you and OH as well so you're all in the same boat

If home was well ordered, you could ask what rules they had before.

Also things like washing powders so things smell familiar.

With the little ones in general boundaries will help them feel safe.

One seemingly tiny thing that makes a humongous difference is no devices in bedrooms over night. That could be made clear from day one. The others I’d feel my way.
More of a ‘we do this’ feeding into the ethos.
I’d definitely do the we all eat dinner at the table. From the start. Make sure you have a big enough table!

Thanks so much for all the replies, some really good advise that I will defo be taking on board 😘

Gosh good luck with your plans. I’m not sure we have many rules but there are certain expectations about participating or contributing to the family. We are team Divebar and we all contribute in some way. Sometimes it’s a bit of one way traffic but that’s the ethos I strive for. I don’t tolerate rudeness or bad manners but that’s not usually a huge issue

Hi, similar to others, want to wish you good luck with what sounds like quite a demanding situation. Also similarly, I have lots of ‘rules’ that are more like, this is how we do it here. But my main thing that I say a lot is ‘happy and safe’. In this house, we all have a right to be happy and safe. I find it covers more or less all the things you’d normally have rules for like bickering, boisterousness, bedtimes, speaking kindly, teeth brushing, screen time, bedtime etc etc and it’s also broad enough to cover the babies right up to the adults and simple enough for everyone to understand. Also, because it’s a positive thing, it doesn’t feel draconian and when you do have to lay down the law about something it gives you a more positive framework for explaining your reasoning. ‘You can’t barge into your sister’s room without knocking because that upsets her and she has a right to be happy and safe’ ‘Please make sure to text me if you’re not coming straight home after school so I don’t worry as I need to know you’re happy and safe’ ‘Children don’t go in the bathroom cabinet because some medicines can make you poorly and I need to make sure you’re happy and safe’. ‘We don’t have screens in our bedrooms as they disturb our sleep. We need plenty of good sleep to be well rested, which makes us happy and healthy, which is a big part of being safe’ etc etc.
it’s not perfect but helps me a lot. I hope they all do well with you.