Don't know what to do about DS

[HoppityVoosh22]

DS is 5. A few weeks ago at dinner, he suddenly came out with 'we don't say fuck it?' DH and I were a bit taken aback and DS looked quite concerned, as though he knew it was a bad word. We said 'we don't say that' and moved on. A few days later he asked again and again and again. The question/statement has now morphed to 'I won't say fuck it again' or 'fuck it is not coming back again' but this has become constant.

I've tried replying calmly, he just keeps saying it. I've tried ignoring him, he just keeps saying it. I've gotten angry at which point he gets very distressed. He says it's in his head and he can't stop it and begs me to forgive him.

This only seems to happen around DH and I. It doesn't happen with school or grandparents, though tonight at my MIL's he kept saying it quietly to me and getting upset. Then in the car on the way home, it changed to 'we don't say fat, do we?' Again, this was constant.

I don't know what to do. DH thinks he's putting it on to wind is up, but I don't think he is given his distress. Could it be some kind of Tourette's? I just don't know what to think or do.

Might be, that would be quite a complex tic.
If it is a tic don’t react or ask him to stop. I would take him to your GP and they can refer to the neuro disability paediatrician. I’d also mention it to school.

You could just ignore it - and see if it goes away?
Have you tried a distraction like eye spy or you count red cars and he counts white. Whoever gets to 5 first wins?
i would try that first.
he sounds anxious.

Explain why you don’t say fuck.
eg I told mine it’s an angry word and we should save it for when something really terrible happens, like the planet crashing into an asteroid, as then it can relieve stress.

Give your reason and let it sink in.
Then just shrug if he uses it. Maybe he is currently stressed. Lots of children that age go through odd phases. Choose your battles. Leave him to it for now - though make sure no one else in the house habitually swears if you don’t want him to.

My autistic DS used to get stuck on saying a phrase over and over again like this. We eventually realised that he needed to hear the phrase echoed back to him as confirmation that what he was saying had been heard. Something similar wouldn't do, it had to be the same. So,

DS: We don't say fuck it.
Me: No, we don't say fuck it.
Works and DS doesn't say it again.

DS: We don't say fuck it.
Me: No we don't.
DS: We don't say fuck it.
Me: It's a naughty word, so don't say it
DS: We don't say fuck it
Me: Stop, we don't say that ...
And on and on infinitum until I remember to revert to the first example.

Could it be this with your son?

Have you tried making a joke of it? If you're telling him very sternly not to say it he could be afraid of the consequences. Tell him it's a rude word for grown ups to say, but it's just a word.

Thank you so much for the replies. I appreciate it and all the suggestions.

@Fladdermus that sounds just like what DS is doing so I'll try your suggestion as I've been reluctant to say the word back in case it reinforced it.

I'm obviously hoping this goes away as quickly as it has appeared.

It sounds like it could be the start of a tic have you looked into Tourette's

sounds like a tic, agree with others

I'm honestly scared it might be Tourette's.

I used to do something similar to this when I was very young. In my case, it definitely wasn't Tourette's - it was a kind of intrusive thought anxiety. I would have an intrusive thought about something I didn't like, then have to say it out loud like a 'confession' almost, to get reassurance that I wasn't a bad person. It's difficult to explain but I recognise it so clearly from your description.

My parents were baffled too, and would say not to think about it, but that didn't work for me at all. The only thing that works for me is recognising that everyone has thoughts they don't like sometimes, and to let them go. I did bits of counselling about visualising the thoughts floating past etc.

I'm not sure if this makes much sense, but Google intrusive thoughts and pure ocd etc. I think your son sounds very worried.

Ps I'm a pretty well rounded adult now and I don't do anything like this anymore, but my poor parents could probably have written your post 30 years ago!

I work with very small children. If they learn a word that's not appropriate I just try and change the sound slightly eg book it or duck it etc and they usually move on. One little girl had a stressful commute in and arrived with Fucks sake! 😱 Suffice to say by the end of the day it had turned in to for foxes sake.
I'm not dismissing your concerns but this is worth a try.

Thank you everyone.

@floataboat that's reassuring. I'll try this idea tomorrow. I've been trying repeating the word back as @Fladdermus suggested but DS initially said, 'you said it' as though he was shocked but has continued with the repetition despite me saying it back to him.

It worries me that he might be very worried and anxious overall. He just started school this year and it's been a big change obviously but whilst we get some moans about not liking school and not wanting to go, overall he seems to enjoy it and his teacher has reported no issues.

I don't want to make this into something it might not be, but I also don't want to ignore it if it is something.

Age appropriate mindfulness might help him if he is experiencing anxiety and/or intrusive thoughts.

Sounds more like intrusive thoughts/anxiety/OCD to me than Tourette’s.

@Moonshine160 I'm starting to think the same thing.

If it is Tourette’s then the more taboo he thinks the word is, the more he will say it.

So today I tried telling DS to visualise blowing the bad words away. So he has now changed to saying, 'I'm blowing the fuck it away' then doing a big blow, which wasn't really what I was aiming for.

Then he moved from 'fuck it' to physically trying to touch my bum and saying repeatedly, 'I'm going to touch your bum' and trying to do it. At home alone I kept trying the blowing method and moving away from him but this also happened repeatedly whilst at a play date and I felt I had to say a firm 'no' and physically stop him each time which was quite embarrassing. Thankfully he didn't say or do this to anyone else, just me.

I hope to God this passes.

Were you really just walking round a playdate with him following you saying ‘I’m going to touch your bum?’ Repeatedly?

Maybe it is a tic, but I’d suggest that as he’s only doing it to you it probably isn’t. I would have said ‘stop being silly or we can go home from x house’ and if he continued we’d have left. Either he’s misbehaving in which case he needs to go home so as not to have an audience, or it’s anxiety based, in which case he’s best going home as he’s not coping in that setting and if he’s spending the whole time following you round saying he’s going to touch your bum he’s not getting much out of the playdate is he?

Out of curiosity too, does this generally get him lots of attention from you and his dad? Is there ever a consequence, or do you ever just say ‘stop saying that, it’s silly’ and move on/away from him? Or is the only consequence that he gets lots of fuss and attention?

Unlike the other responders here, who are being kind and trying to reassure you, I'm not going to tell you to ignore it or leave it for now. And I'm trying to be kind too.

I'm going to tell you to flag it up asap. GP would be the first port of call, they can then refer you to the appropriate team.

It could be Tourette's. It could be something else. But you will feel better knowing it's being looked into, whatever it is.

Watching and waiting isn't always the right thing and in this case it wouldn't hurt your DS or you to have someone look into it now.

I would speak to HV or GP, OP. It may just be a weird phase but there might be something else there: a tic, some sort of compulsive or intrusive behaviour. Makes sense to eliminate anything like that.

You could try swearing time?
set a timer to a minute and let them say out loud whatever they want, any swear rides, naughty words etc,
sometimes kids just need to say these things they hear, to get it out of their system

I was sitting on the couch chatting to the other mums and every few minutes or so, he would stop playing and come over to me and do/say it quietly. He did seem to enjoy the play date though, especially when the kids all went outside, but he would still occasionally come over and say/do it.

I just say 'stop it' and try to redirect him to something else. I don't want to 'punish' him because I'm not sure that's the right approach.

If he was literally coming over to you every few minutes to say ‘I’m going to touch your bum’ then he obviously wasn’t getting much out of the playdate. I would have removed him - he was either so anxious that he couldn’t go more than a few minutes without making an inappropriate comment or he was choosing to do so for attention. Either way it was odd just to act like that’s normal. I would have said the very first time ‘if you are being silly and don’t want to play with your friends we will leave’ and then if he continued we’d leave.