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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

29 replies

M8844 · 19/10/2022 06:57

Apologies if this is the wrong thread - I am new to this and just wanted to get some honest advice/opinions if that’s ok.
My husband and I have been avid gym goers since we met 5 years ago. We recently had our baby (6 months ago now) - so of course it’s not as easy for myself to get to the gym. I’m currently on maternity leave for a year, with my husband working in the office three times a week (and at home the other two).
My husband on the days he goes into the office, goes for a run in the morning, then on the days he works from home, goes to the gym. This leaves me with only being able to go for a run/the gym on weekends.
I thought it would be reasonable to go to the gym in the mornings during his wfh days - I prefer to go in the mornings so I can have the day with our daughter (and by the afternoon/end of the day I'm usually exhausted) - but my husband doesn’t seem to be onboard with this idea. I can’t even really consistently go in the evenings as my husband gets back so late, and as I mentioned I’m so exhausted I just don’t feel up for it at the end of the day. My husband says I should go at lunchtimes during his wfh days - I guess I could but still, if he has calls etc this can be so inconsistent in terms of timing.
I just think it’s quite selfish that he can continue to go in the week as he pleases - however I am not sure if I am being unreasonable? Please do feel free to be brutally honest.

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/10/2022 06:58

YABU. He is working so can not do childcare at the same time.

b8tes7sw · 19/10/2022 07:00

Yea it is selfish of him. If you can go in the morning before he starts work without impacting that then surely that's a good idea (even if it's not all 3 days, there needs to be a bit of wiggle room I guess). The baby is not just yours and maternity leave is not a holiday, perhaps he doesn't quite grasp that?

Musicaltheatremum · 19/10/2022 07:01

I wondered if OP meant she went to the gym before he logged in on his WFH days. Which is fair

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girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 07:01

You can't go when he's working but you can ask him to give up his wfh gym sessions and go in those times instead, or let him look after baby when he's finished work and go in the evenings, or find a gym that opens late.

Sirzy · 19/10/2022 07:02

If baby is 6 months I would invest in a running buggy then one of you can go running with him while the ohher runs alone or goes to the gym.

satelliteheart · 19/10/2022 07:03

@ZeroFuchsGiven I think op is suggesting she goes BEFORE her husband starts work on his wfh days so of course he can do childcare

Op yanbu, you should have equal leisure/gym time. I hate men who have an attitude that their life can continue as normal after kids while their wife makes all the sacrifices. He needs to share the gym time fairly with you

Original poster

M8844 · 19/10/2022 07:04

Yeh that’s what I meant - id go before he logged on during his wfh days (in the morning)

OP posts:

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 19/10/2022 07:05

I thought it would be reasonable to go to the gym in the mornings during his wfh days

Assuming you mean you'd go before he starts work, at the time he would normally be at the gym then YANBU. If you mean "during" his wfh days as in during work hours, YABU.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/10/2022 07:06

M8844 · 19/10/2022 07:04

Yeh that’s what I meant - id go before he logged on during his wfh days (in the morning)

YANBU if that is the case. apologies.

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 19/10/2022 07:06

Sorry, cross posted! YANBU

Rinatinabina · 19/10/2022 07:06

YANBU, if you can make the gym before he logs on then he should be up for that. Really you should be trying to make sure you get the same amount of time for your fitness. Tbh at this point I’d say it’s more important for you to be able to regain your post partum fitness. I’m a human pudding but if I were an exerciser i would expect DH to prioritise my health for a short period after childbirth.

bravelittletiger · 19/10/2022 07:07

I think you're being reasonable. Seems like he's literally not changed his working and gym/run patterns at since having a baby and just expects you to be the one who changes everything because you're the one on mat leave. Hope you at least get a couple of hours to yourself on weekends.

ilovelamp82 · 19/10/2022 07:07

If you meant before he starts work, he can not seem keen all he likes. That's more than reasonable. You should let him know that is what's happening, it's not a request. I hope he's not like this in other areas of your lives because that doesn't sound great.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 19/10/2022 07:07

Could your DH exercise on the evenings sometimes, so you can have the morning slot? Can you find a gym with a crèche?

I realise that neither of these is ideal, but your dh needs to make compromises to his routine for about 15 years!

MrsMinted · 19/10/2022 07:09

Yanbu. Just get yourself ready on his wfh days, wave cheerily to him as you leave and say, "I'll be back at 8.30am dear!"

Can't stand men like him. Ugh what a turn off to live with such a caveman.

Bunce1 · 19/10/2022 07:10

Unbelievably selfish of him. I’d just go. Fuck him.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2022 07:11

Yanbu.

Equal down time. How can anything be unfair about that?

When he's not working - his turn, your turn, his turn, your turn. Simples.

coffy11 · 19/10/2022 07:14

Why does his run in the morning trump your going to the gym. Especially since he's already going to the gym in the evenings. I wouldn't be asking him, I'd tell him you're going in the morning.

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 19/10/2022 07:16

Don’t ask, just quietly get ready and go early on his wfh days. Start pushing back.

does he do his fair share of the chores?

yerdaindicatesonbends · 19/10/2022 07:17

YANBU. It’s not fair for his routine to be completely unchanged. I am much more productive/active in the mornings and you couldn’t pay me to go to the gym in the evenings. He needs to give up one or two of his mornings.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/10/2022 07:22

Projecting here, but been there, done that.

Put your foot down now op. It's so important if you want to stay married in ten years time.

If you play the cool wife now, as I did so no judgement!, then he'll take more and more, and resentment will build.

Original poster

M8844 · 19/10/2022 07:23

Thank you all so much for your responses/advice - I’m basically going to tell him this is what we are doing! He definitely does do his fair share of chores, I just don’t think he thinks about what I need sometimes - and to @yerdaindicatesonbends point - I’m literally so exhausted by the end of the day the early mornings are the best time!

OP posts:

Bizzyone · 19/10/2022 07:26

I would agree with PPs - tell him youre going gym 2 mornings a

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 19/10/2022 07:26

M8844 · 19/10/2022 07:04

Yeh that’s what I meant - id go before he logged on during his wfh days (in the morning)

Of course that's not unreasonable. When baby is in childcare sometimes he will have to get her ready for nursery and then drop her right before work. It's just getting him ready for that.

Patterns you make now will set the tone for the next few years, or even your whole marriage. Go carefully! I really felt like maternity leave messed up my relationship with my husband, as it was so much harder to get back to equality after that.

Bizzyone · 19/10/2022 07:27

Sorry tell him youre going gym 2 mornings a week before his wfh starts and just go. He will manage just fine and will learn quick.

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