Is there something wrong with my child

[dontcallitsavvyb]

I feel I don’t have enough perspective on this and need help. My almost 6 yo has always been quite old for his years so I am not sure if I am expecting too much but worried about his ability to self regulate. He is a bright little boy and I do encourage him to do half an hour of homework each day including reading. He watches a bit of tv after but doesn’t have regular access to other devices. I try to keep an eye on sugar intake but he does love a sweet treat so try to keep a balance. he just seems to have large emotions which he is struggling to express and tonight has been the worst.

He got quite moody after not being able to build something with Lego and wouldn’t let me help, became very sullen and stroppy. Wouldn’t come down for dinner until I ordered him down and this lead to full blown hysteria. When he gets like this anything and everything sets him off and it’s hard not to get incredibly frustrated. We have tried different techniques to try to manage. Gentle parenting, consequences, incentives, distraction (which does sometimes work). This time his whole eye suddenly became v swollen for no reason and he suddenly started crying uncontrollably about body pain. Honestly we almost took him to A&E but after some piriton and paracetamol and a cuddle he calmed down.

i work as a HCP and seen young patients present with serious physical illness which parents have initially put down to psychological problem so that is on my mind (though prob unlikely). At one point he asked about watching more TV but we said no as I didn’t want to reward the behaviour. School have raised no concerns but have asked the teacher to give me a call.

i can’t decide if he is a master manipulator (jk…sort of), a normal 6 yo or there is something else is should be considering….

I think your expectations of him might be a bit high and possibly the fact that you are not consistent with how you parent is making him confused because the goal posts are being changed

Six is still very young and it would be quite normal for a 6 year old to get upset if their eye is swollen and uncomfortable and then calm down once they have had some medicine and comfort, he wasn’t misbehaving and I would have let him watch some TV. I don’t view TV as a reward though, it’s just one way to relax and why wouldn’t you want to relax if you have a sore eye and have been upset?
It is also normal to get frustrated with Lego etc, you say you get frustrated with him so why are you expecting more from a small child than you are from yourself as an adult?

I can’t tell you if there is something more because I am a stranger online but from the examples you have given I wouldn’t say there was anything particularly concerning.

I think you are right about the inconsistency in parenting. I struggle to maintain calm all the time and as much as I agree with some principles of gentle parenting I sometimes wonder if we are raising entitled brats as a result. I am not sure how to resolve this, I am fighting the urge to parent as I was parented

I don’t blame his frustration but am trying to get him to recognise what is happening in his head and how he can use words rather then this OTT response which derails the next hour.

with the TV, I just felt there was instant calm from him when he thought he was getting to watch something and felt giving it was rewarding behaviour. We sat and had a cuddle and talked, then did some drawing and reading together before bed.

I have high expectations of myself, and I think I may be projecting those. Thanks for giving me a reality check!!

Perhaps he is exhausted after school? Is school ok for him? Homework & reading together sounds like a lot, perhaps he just wants to zone out for a bit watching some tv, especially after a long day at school. I'd let him have a cry and give him a cuddle, maybe chat after he's calmed down. Just a few thoughts that have jumped out at me from reading your post!

Really normal for a child of this age to get frustrated with his Lego and then have a strop. Also normal to be struggling to manage his own emotions and get overwhelmed by them. At this age, his emotions honestly do feel that big to him, he's not exaggerating for effect. I have a child like this (as well as another who is the complete opposite - very calm and steady) and even at 13yo he still experiences this! Last night he got stressed about a test he's got today and it took me right back to his younger years!

Hang in there OP. Try to model calmness, but also allow him to experience his feelings without repression. It's a tricky balance!

i wouldn’t say it’s anything to worry about OP. I agree that it does maybe sound like a lot of pressure for a five year old, and he could be a little overwhelmed, which could make his emotions harder to regulate. Does he get time to himself with no expectations or stipulations? You said he does get to watch some telly but is that a ‘right now you get 30 minutes of telly and then it’s time for xyz’?

Gentle parenting doesn't mean kids don't experience big emotions or struggle to regulate. You must handle it differently.

It's really important that he's allowed to experience those emotions and work through them. Initially you model it and regulate for him, and gradually he manages to regulate himself.

So 'oh wow, you are really frustrated! You must be so disappointed that model is hard. You look a bit overwhelmed, Do you think it's worth having a break, and trying again another day? You know, I'll always help if you want me to. How about sitting down with a hot chocolate, while you decide what to do?'

Ideally you need to get in there with the naming emotions and suggestions of regulating activities before the frustration gets overwhelming. Once he's past it, he can't learn/manage anything.

That second sentence should say 'just', not must! Sorry!

I dont think it sounds like anything to worry about, he just needs help to recognise and control his emotions. Buy the colour monsters book to help him identify his feelings, and teach some techniques to him to use when he starts to feel 'red' or frustrated.

But i agree with others that your expectations might be too high, and you sound quite strict (in my opinion). He got a fright from his swollen eye, an adult would've got a fright with that too if they didn't know why. After he started to calm down some tv would have been ideal for him to relax a bit.

There are some lovely books you can read about emotional regulation.

Dissapointment Dragon
How to starve the anger gremlin
What to do when your temper flares
Huge bag of worries
Have you filled your bucket today

In schools they work on labelling feelings and then they use zones of regulation for children to show how they are felling, then look at things they can do to help themseleves. I must say that a lot of kids dont get on well with zones of regulation ladder but its useful to look up

But going to your room quietly after something has gone wrong is prettty normal way to deal with things, as is watching tv. What do you do to calm down?

That is too much homework at 6yo IMO, and surely isn't necessary if he's bright? I would insist on 10 mins reading/day and if he is struggling with something specific, maybe a bit of 1-2-1 help with it for 15 mins or so at the weekend.
You don't have to see TV as a reward if it is just built into the day as a legitimate relaxation tool. We limit it at weekends so they don't veg in front of it for the whole day, but they get to watch as much as they like Mon-Fri as long as they have done their 10 mins of reading that day. One or other DC (or both!) has an activity most days, so this equates to very little time in reality, but it does stop it being a battleground.

30 mins of homework a night at 6. Why? Are school setting it. That’s far too much. He needs downtime and hobbies.

Behaviour is communication. If he is angry or upset then that is because he isn't able to express what is going on or manage his emotions yet. Both of which are totally normal for a 6 year old.

A school day is a long day for a 6 YO. I think sofa and TV is really important after school at that age. I always looked for childcare where my DC would have access to a sofa and TV to rest and switch off for a bit.

With the dinner time tantrum, I've found just leaving DC to calm down and saying come down when you're feeling better works quickest.

I think 6/7 is a particularly tricky age for boys. It was for my 2 DSs l, but not so much DD.

He sounds overworked and stressed. 30 min of homework a day is way too much for age six. Government guidelines are 1 hour a week for age six.

What is crucially important at this age is imaginative play, ideally with other children, but if not, then with an adult. Where is his daily dose of inaginative play? Lego doesn’t count as that requires sustained concentration.

Stop ordering him about and instead build a den with him under the table with blankets and cushions, and pretend you’re both cavemen trying to discover fire / build a ship, or something like that.

Sometimes stuff just gets to you, whether you're 6 or 36.

The other day I'd been clumsy all day (probably because it was right before my period), which was starting to annoy me. I was peeling some particularly grungy potatoes and repeatedly struggling because of my lack of coordination, one potato slipped out of my hands onto the floor and I suddenly flared into frustration, slapped my knife down on the chopping board, grunted in annoyance, and needed to go and stand alone in the next room for ten seconds to clear my head. Unfortunately DP understandably didn't realise I needed a moment alone, so followed me through and started fussing around me asking what was wrong and trying to help. Because I'm an adult, I can generally calm myself down even if I've momentarily lost control, and I didn't express my annoyance that his "helping" wasn't helping but instead asked him if he could retrieve and rinse the potato I dropped.

The whole thing took way less than a minute in total, and that kind of thing happens very rarely for me now, but I'm decades older. I think it's normal for it to take years to learn how to manage your own reactions to frustrating things. I guess if you're six, it's all the same sort of emotions, but you fail more frequently, find your frustration boiling over into lack of control more frequently because you don't know how to prevent it, don't yet have techniques to calm yourself down effectively after becoming frustrated, and don't know how to communicate to someone that their "help" isn't helping.

i don't know about the eye thing but the rest of it sounds like classic inexperienced human.

Thank you all, and for being kind to me! Expecting much harsher words but certainly things to reflect on. I work FT and feel like I need to keep to the plates spinning, including making sure I am on top of DS’s school
stuff. I always had lots of academic pressure placed on me when I was young and have really embraced it into adulthood. Obviously that doesn’t mean my son is the same and I may have felt the same as his age. As you say it’s about balance.

We do lots of outside play, drawing. He plays football and tennis. I’ve asked his teacher to give me a call at some point in the week just see if there are any concerns from their side. My aunt always says I expect perfection (I am by no means perfect) but place myself under a lot of pressure to be on top of things at work and at home. I wonder if I am passing this onto him….

Keep an eye on what he is eating WRT the swollen eye. That was the first sign of my DS being allergic to a particular colouring agent in some brands of juice and jam. An allergic reaction to something that you have consumed can often give other symptoms like stomach pain, headache etc as well as the external signs.

IME it is very normal to get upset and frustrated at a complicated game or puzzle in the evening after a busy day. He is at an age when he is growing fast physically and mentally and what you describe is classic tiredness and over stimulation. Maybe gentler, calming activities in the evening and an earlier bed time will help.

Completely understand this. I had a reality check too the other day. My son is 5 and does need downtime - however he likes parent time over tv, don't get me wrong he loves tv too!

I feel the need for extra work after school, I deem it necessary regardless of what the government guidelines are.
Our routine is, dinner at 5. We then tidy up and the children play/annoy each other. Then we insist on one page of maths and one page of English from his workbooks. Maths he enjoys so it's not a struggle, English he doesn't enjoy as much but as it's just a page a day he knows it must be done. We also do reading with him at bedtime and he is happy to do that. That's our routine and as he knows this, he seems to have taken that on board. If he is super tired we won't force him and we will just all sit and watch tv together.

Your son sounds like he need a little less structured work, bit more fun parent time and down wind down time. He won't fail. Mental health is important too, for him and yourself. It's stressful demanding children to do so much work!

i can’t decide if he is a master manipulator (jk…sort of), a normal 6 yo or there is something else is should be considering…

Sorry if this comes across harsh. I think you’ve seen it now, but he’s the other thing to consider here is you and your harsh/strict approach to him at such a young age. He sounds totally normal which is great, I think the homework sounds like too much and by putting such high expectations on him he is bound to feel more pressure and frustration over not being able to complete simple things like
Lego. But these big emotions are normal for kids, especially at 6, it takes years to learn to control these emotions. There is nothing wrong with having high expectations, but if it’s not working for him at a basic happy kid level maybe it’s worth easing off in some areas?

He is only 6 years old!

It might not be relevant but just keep an eye on when his stroppy periods are happening in relation to mealtimes in case it's hunger/thirst. That definitely affects mine. And they would never ever realize that's what the problem is, it's always absolutely definitely a problem with the Lego/homework/sibling etc.

I have a 6 year old who sounds very similar to yours, and I sound quite similar to you...
He doesn't have full on tantrums, but he does get extremely angry if I am a bit impatient or snappish at all (I try not to be, but I know I am sometimes a bit too cross too quickly). He can get very upset and tearful about small things very quickly.

Yesterday for example he was playing a game with his vehicles. He wanted me to take one of them appart with a screwdriver. I was a bit dismissive and said no. He got really upset as it was 'ruining his game'. In the end I took my head out of arse and helped him to make a solution using cardboard (I won't go into it 😂) and he was so delighted.

He was frustrated, I wasn't initially helpful, he got really upset. Me keeping calm and helpful gave such a better outcome than my initial impatience at him trying to take his toys apart with a screwdriver.

I think the advice around keeping calm and modelling good reactions is great, and will be trying to be more mindful of that myself!

Firstly, he might be "almost 6" but he is actually 5 so all this talk of a 6 year old implies that he should be more mature than he actually is.

Secondly, if you're in England, it's the last week before half term, and he's probably very tired. You say that you work full time, so does he go to after-school club? If he's doing a full day at school, plus after-school club, PLUS 30 mins homework every day, he must be exhausted.

Your expectations are WAY too high and you need to cut him some slack.

My DS is similar age (a few months younger) and does ASC a couple of days a week, most of the other days we let him watch TV or tablet after school. We use a timer to limit the screen time and enforce breaks from it. But he needs it to relax. And he doesn't have homework! Just reading.

What homework is he doing?

I have a Y1 child who is bright. I wouldn't dream of having her sitting doing homework after school. Bright kids learn by doing, playing, reading, watching TV, talking to you, gazing out of the window, going for a walk. They'll be facing years of sitting doing written homework soon enough.

I think it's very normal. My 7 year can be like this. I've come to realise that tiredness and overstimulation (and sometimes hunger) are big factors. There is often a pattern or ‘trigger’ to these things. In my case, I noticed my son would often be prone to upsets on days he has school followed by an after-school activity, especially if he's had PE at school that day. So now on those days I make sure he has an early dinner, we go light on the homework and he has an early night. It's made a huge difference.

I don't try and talk to him about how he can better express his frustrations or tell him off (if he's been rude) when he's lost perspective and is very emotional. It just doesn't land and is like pouring petrol on fire. Instead, I do what I can to calm him down (cuddles, TV, whatever) and then when he's calm, I talk to him about how he behaved (including addressing rude behaviour) and I give him pointers on how better to communicate his feelings next time. Emotional regulation is a skill that needs to be learnt.