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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Son is unpleasant

14 replies

CowPatAnnie · 18/10/2022 16:05

Name changed.
I'm really struggling, my son is deeply unpleasant on a daily basis. I do not know what else to do. He is mean and uses fouls language. He hits and strikes out (has started to get aggressive with me) he will be deliberately antagonistic with his siblings. It breaks my heart but he is really not a pleasant person to be around...I literally want to hide away from him when he is doing this, which is every day every single morning and afternoon. Not the whole day but there are negative events that occurs daily. He is 10.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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HappyHamsters · 18/10/2022 16:11

Is this new behaviour, has anything happened recently that has caused his anger and spite. how is he at school, are there other family members to help you. I would speak to the school, see if anything is going on there then also your doctor as this is upsetting the whole family and you all need help and support. .

Original poster

CowPatAnnie · 18/10/2022 16:30

It's been going on for a month or 2 just getting worse. New school separated from father...but apparently happy at school.
Awful timing he has a bday coming up and is just been vile, would usually cancel a play date etc but honestly just means spending more time with him and it's unbearable.
What sort of support do you think is available? I don't know what could even help at this stage I feel totally helpless

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ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 16:37

If you've receipt separated from his dad and he has a new school, I think you have your answer

Try lots of positivity and love and ignore as much poor behaviour as you can whilst over rewarding good behaviour

Some kind, calm and firm parenting could help right now

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ChocChipOwl · 18/10/2022 16:37

^recently

nannync · 18/10/2022 16:38

Can you afford to let him sit down with a counsellor?

Eupraxia · 18/10/2022 16:39

Your county council will run a program called Early Help. You have to be referred to Early Help by your school or doctors.

I would email head teacher at school (use the Heads direct email address, usually head@.... and then the rest of the school email address). Say what you've said here, be very honest about how much you are struggling. Ask to be referred to Early Help.

Eupraxia · 18/10/2022 16:39

(My post assumes you are in England)

Bitterbean · 18/10/2022 16:41

Sorry that sounds awful. You are not alone.

Does he articulate in the better moments what is going on?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2022 16:41

Separated from Dad and new school so does that also mean a house move? How often is he seeing Dad? Can school offer any kind of support?

He's just had his whole life turned upside down, and he had zero control over it. It's not that surprising he's acting out. He's hurting, probably scared, feeling emotions he can't articulate, possibly fearful you'll also leave.

What consequences for the behaviour and how much chance does he to talk bout his feelings?

Ohdearnotagain76 · 18/10/2022 16:55

You can’t ignore his behaviour especially since it’s not improving, first thing to remember is it’s NOT your fault and it’s NOT your ds fault. Go to the school and see how he’s actually settling in and be honest with them about how hard it is at home and what his behaviour is like, ask if theirs any support they can put in place. If school can’t help try your gp and if needs must call the social and ask for a bit of support. Social services aren’t all bad their their to help and support families. The positive thing is you know it’s not correct and your asking for help. How are things with your ex, is he a good dad? Can he help as in to say me and mum aren’t together but we will parent you together. If he’s not going to help don’t bother asking. Good luck and it might take time but you will get their. Xx

Original poster

CowPatAnnie · 19/10/2022 21:10

I'm so scared to reach out for help for fear of losing my kids, irrational I know just feeling like we're so dysfunctional and being ruled by this child.
He is so loving at times (more so middle of night he comes to me full of remorse) I just need some skills to manage this behaviour I think

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Original poster

CowPatAnnie · 19/10/2022 21:12

Also father/estranged husband can't be counted on to support just yet, lots of issues there no wonder my son is so messed up and confused we (father and I) haven't exactly modelled regulating emotions well 😔

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Eupraxia · 19/10/2022 22:20

The benchmark for losing your kids is very, very high. You are no where near. Don't let that be a reason not to ask for help.

The point if Early Help is to stop family life issues escalating to the point that social services have to be involved. The help is so it never gets that bad.

Tell your school you need help. Ask for Early Help.

Circumferences · 19/10/2022 22:27

His age is a sensitive one, it sounds like his emotions are all over the place if he's coming to you for comfort in the night as well as acting out during the day.

It'll be a phase, so believe there is light at the end of the tunnel but it needs managing properly right now which means finding additional support and explaining to him you're trying your best to get him what he needs.

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