Playdate advice for an awkward human!!

[ThePastafarian]

I am a socially awkward and anxious person. I can (broadly) function in the real world, and mostly manage to pass for a normal adult, but new and potentially awkward things always throw me!

I got a message from another school mum suggesting a playdate. Bit weird as her daughter isn't really one of DD's friends - I know the name, but I don't think they ever play together. No issues - I met the kid on a class trip and she's quite sweet - but they're just in the same class, not really mates. I didn't want to be rude, and assumed she meant a park trip that I could maybe throw open to some other kids, so said yes, we were free - and suggested a park. She's asked us to their house! DD is not thrilled about the prospect and I'm wishing I'd just said we were away the whole half term week. But I feel like it's too late now. I don't know the mum at all so it's going to feel a bit awkward sitting making small talk with her.

So! My anxious over-thinker's questions are: how can I politely excuse us after an hour? How do I polite but firmly avoid to committing to reciprocation or repeat? And how do I play it with DD - because I feel like I'm not modelling the sort of "be in charge of your own happiness" assertiveness I'd like to teach her! (Yes, I realize it's just a playdate and hardly a great drama to play with a random classmate for an hour - but she doesn't particularly want to, and my only reasoning is "because mum feels too awkward to say no". I've said that it's nice to be invited so we'll just go for a bit.)

My aim is to not be rude but also not bounce DD into more playdates she isn't keen on. Also, politely, I don't need to be told I'm an idiot and it's really simple and I'm lucky I have such tiny problems to worry about. I know this - but I am very bad at this stuff.

I may be jumping to conclusions but my first thought is that the girl is having trouble making friends and so her mum has chosen a nice girl (your dd) round to play . I'd thank her for the invitation but say you have an appointment at whatever time so you can only stay for an hour.
See how it goes , they may get on really well !

What age is DD?
Are you expected to stay or not?
Sorry, I'm quite bad at this stuff too, but I'd have assumed it was drop and collect, unless DD was quite young. But maybe things are done differently where you are?

She's 6. They've just started year 1. The mum has specified "we can have a cup of tea while they play". It certainly could be a bid to help her DD socially - no idea where the other kid fits in within the wider class. I think DD will be fine when we're there - I just don't want to force her into a series of playdates!

How old is your DD? Because usually play dates are drop and collect. The parent doesn’t stay with the child unless the child has special needs. If this is the case with your DD, you should let the other mum know so she is prepared to host you.

Secondly, I would play it by ear. I would not plan on making excuses and leaving after 1hr. I would not plan on not reciprocating or not allowing another play date.

This could be the start of a great friendship. You have to have an open mind and tell your DD as well to have an open mind. This other girl could be really nice and fun. This is a chance for your DD to get to know her better.

I think it’s your anxiety that is catastrophising things and leading you to think it will be an awful experience and you have to limit it to one hour and never repeat it. But push those thoughts away, you’re being very brave by going outside your comfort zone to do the play date. Just take a deep breath and commit.

The mum has specified "we can have a cup of tea while they play".
Ah in that case you are invited to stay too. Sorry we cross posted.

Are they new to the area? Maybe the mum is looking for new friends too .

Are you comfortable with your social awkwardness? It's just because it sounds a bit like you are pushing your awkwardness onto your daughter.

You sound a bit like you've already decided she won't enjoy it (and so has she). How do you know she won't love it and WANT to do it again?

I've never felt awkward about an invitation to have a cup of tea with someone and can make small talk very happily. If me doing that helped my child develop their own social skills I'd be all for it.

I hope this doesn't come across as overly harsh, it just struck me that actually you could use this as an opportunity to support your daughter in developing the skills you've stated you possibly lack a little bit.

Oh and maybe just come up with a list of small talk questions to get you through.

I would say that maybe the mum is hoping to maybe make a new friend too?

I wouldn’t reveal your fabricated excuse too early just in case your DD ends up actually really enjoying herself and then you have to drag her away.

I think you should be a bit more open to the possibility that you, DD, or both of you might actually enjoy it! You might not of course (and understand why you want an exit strategy), but it’s possible you could.

I get what people are saying. Given that they've known

Oops - fat fingers. They've known each other a year, so it feels less like a great new opportunity than being bounced into playing with a kid you already feel ambivalent about. I'm sure they can kill an hour/couple of hours together just fine. I think maybe I need to let that happen, be non-committal then see how DD feels. I can't pretend I'm looking forward to making small talk with a new person - because I hate that - but I can perform well enough and it'll be fine.

I definitely don't want to gift DD any social anxiety. But I also don't want to lead her into putting herself in situations she doesn't like to keep other people happy. It's a tricky balance and whilst I fully understand I shouldn't decide how it's going to be before we go, being under-prepared for possible future invites is exactly how I end up bounced into saying yes to things I then regret!

it’s fine to be anxious about something like this, it is hard to have a social situation 1-1 with someone you don’t know. My thoughts are

its a nice thing, not a tooth extraction. If you can, replace the negative thoughts and try to relax about it. When you go to another’s house for the first time, generally an hour will fly by as your daughter will find a whole new load of toys. We’ve got a huge doll house and the first time a new child comes round the eyes light up and they’re away!

a first catch up with a mum you don’t know isn’t too bad. The kids will interrupt you. She’ll be off to make tea. You can say something about the house, or how nice the school is, or what part of the homework is difficult, or the weather :) you’ll be able to fill the time!

talk to your daughter after and see if she had fun. Very likely she will have :) good luck!

You both may actually enjoy your selves

I feel like I could very well be the other mum in this situation as I'm feeling like I need to make more of these opportunities for my DD (also in Yr 1) as she hasn't really formed many close bonds with the other kids. So maybe reassure yourself with the feeling that however nervous you're feeling she may well be feeling much more nervous and like she's put herself - and her daughter- out on a limb. Please don't cancel on her or look like you're trying to get out of there as soon as poss!

I know you said not to say you're overthinking it but you definitely are! Just go and enjoy yourselves or maybe don't and therefore don't do it again. At 6 I would be encouraging my child to play with everyone in their class, aren't their friendships really fluid at that age? Some people are really into playdates as well and like to get to know everyone in the class, maybe the mum has already had lots of others and now her daughter has mentioned yours so she wants to get to know her too.

I would go. The other mum may well be anxious too. Have some conversation topics lined up for if you get stuck and give it a go. I think lots of parents have struggled to make friends after covid as well as struggled to encourage children to make friends. Often there’s a different vibe outside school and it can be nice to encourage play dates. As others have said, her daughter may well not have made friends yet and might need a few out of school play dates to encourage her.

I think it’s important to support children to play with those who they haven’t naturally engaged with at school. Often, it’s just that the other child is a bit shy and plays better initially one on one. It’s not really putting herself in a situation she doesn’t like because if it goes badly, you just don’t go again. It’s a good social skill to learn to play with a wide range children and to learn about different families having different routines etc. Play dates are a great way to do that. She won’t grow up to over people please just through reaching out to other children, it’s much more deep seated and complex than that. She’ll just enjoy it (or not) and move forwards, possibly with a better idea of how to work with the other child in any group work the class do and maybe with the potential for a new friendship. 🙂

Just to clarify, I've already said yes - I'm not going to cancel because I think that would be rude. I don't really need tips for getting through the playdate
I can manage that, even if it's not my favourite thing to do! It's more that I want to be ready with some polite, non-committal phrases so I don't get put on the spot and end up agreeing to something that either/both DD and I don't want to do. It may not turn out that way, we may both find that we absolutely want to make friends with the mum/kid. But I don't want to end up on the spot and flailing, then accidentally nodding along with something I then wish I hadn't agreed to!

It’s not really putting herself in a situation she doesn’t like because if it goes badly, you just don’t go again.
It's the "just don't go again" part I need help with. Getting ahead of myself, but just need to be prepared for navigating that if I need to.

Her daughter has nobody to play with during half term so she chose your daughter as a last resort, is my thinking.

If at the end of the play date she asks about doing it again, say you'll check your calendar and get back to her .

Maybe the mum and/or DD are also socially awkward and are trying to make new friends?

Just go along. I had similar with ds3. Years of play dates that started in the same way. It worked quite well. I couldn’t reciprocate easily because ds1 was severely disabled and it was difficult to have additional kids in. The mum who initiated it all had very severe social anxiety and did not want to come to ours anyway. So I would drop him. And usually combine with a brief cup of tea at pick up. Initially it was very short with a cup of tea but extended into whole days with me grabbing a tea at pick up.

It meant ds3 had lots of fun. Her sensitive son and ds3 who was always very quiet at school became firm friends. She was able to arrange social contact for her son without having to interact with too many people. I didn’t have the pressure & guilt of not being able to reciprocate & didn’t have the guilt of ds3 being isolated due to his brother’s disability.

Why is your dd not keen? Unless there are specific issues with this child I would encourage her to go. Playdates are where a lot of friendships become cemented.

Ah, ok. Maybe needing to collect something by a specific time? Or a zoom meeting with a family member (that’s easily cancelled if you’re enjoying yourself)?

Honestly if you want your child to thrive socially you need to work at it with other parents too. It’s not always easy but you might find a great friend, or you might not but it’s only an hour or so of your time

Cross the next steps when you come to it.

If the kids get on and you get on, great!
If the kids get on and you don’t click, you can do drop and collect in future.
If the kids don’t get on and you do get on, you can meet up for adult-only things.
If none of you get on, it would be quite clear or you come back here for advice!