Parenting with Bipolar disorder

[Evla21]

I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
I'd been satisfied with a 'depression' diagnosis and decided seek further information.
As a mother I feel like a failure.
I have ds who's 4. DD who's 1. My constant mood shift is hurting my relationship with my DS -especially.

I absolutely adore him (as do I my DD) and as a mother I feel like I'm failing him. He's a very stubborn and willfull little boy, and so aware of everything (very clever too). As a normal 4yr old he's pushing the boundaries. I shout at him when he does this. How is he supposed to feel? What does he feel?
I should be his security, his safe place, his I try to my best to explain my mood shifts but as he's only a little boy afterall. I should be able to reassure this and I feel I don't fulfill his mental health needs.

I don't feel like I'm providing any of these. It absolutely BREAKS my heart. I feel like he (and DD) would be so much better off without me. I don't want to damage them as people and as a mother I want to give them the best stable start in life, even if I'm not in it.

Can anyone help? Anyone in the same situation? Its breaking my heart. I love both with all my heart.
I don't know what to do.

Ok firstly they would absolutely not be better off without you. And you're not a failure. You're struggling. It's not the same thing.
Also you're probably still reeling if the diagnosis is recent.
I have bipolar although I wasn't diagnosed until my kids were teens/20s. Wish I'd known earlier.
Firstly I'd look at getting your medication reviewed and accessing good quality counselling. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Because this is important.
Secondly, its very easy to get completely overwhelmed. And not just with little ones.
Life in general can be challenging with bipolar and in time you'll get an idea of what helps, what makes it worse - and importantly you'll learn to recognise your personal warning signs that you're heading for a bad patch and need to take action to lessen the impact. This is where counselling can help.
If you're like me you need a little bit of rest and a chance to calm down fairly regularly. Which is a nightmare with children.
I can only speak from my own experience but my main suggestion is look at any way you can get regular, even small, breaks each week.
Where's their father in this? You don't mention him? If he's around he needs to step up and share the load. Properly. Does he understand exactly how you're feeling?
Is there a possibility of paying for nursery/playgroup even if a couple of times a week? (I'm out of the loop so I'm not sure what's available now).
You really can improve things. Remember you're not a failure. You have a medical disorder and you need some help (and time) to work out how to best help yourself.
Plus every mother without exception has days like this with kids, I promise. Losing your rag and feeling overwhelmed is not unique to mothers with bipolar. I doubt any of us is free of the infamous "mother guilt"

@Weatherwax13 Thanks for the reply. My husband is absolutely brilliant but as he works full time I'm left with a lot of the childcare (I'm happy to do it as I adore them). When he's off he's 100% there, but doesn't understand my emotional needs unfortunately. He doesn't understand mental health. I've just finished my maternity leave so I'll be going back to work two days. I'd rather not go back but financially I need to, so DD will be with a childminder and DS is in full time school.

I hate that I don't know my triggers, but lack of sleep is definitely one of them.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist and my meds are constantly being reviewed (also giving me insomnia Which makes me condition worse 😣) I have sleeping tablets prescribed trouble is, when and if DS/DD wakes during the night I'm too groggy to sort them out and it's my DH responsibility. I feel awful as he has work in the morning.

The guilt I have about the constant shift of my emotions for my son is unreal 😣😣

Yeah, lack of sleep is a big trigger. I have insomnia too. I sympathise.
The baby stage is very tough. I'm really glad your DH is such an equal partner. He may not understand "mental health " but he understands you need support which tbh is the main thing.
In terms of work, obviously I know nothing about your job, but are you entitled to paid sick leave? You could talk to your employer and psychiatrist?
It may be worth considering just to give yourself a little bit more time to stabilise.
My friend was able to do this when she had bad post natal health issues and took two more months after her mat leave.
Please ask your psychiatrist re recommendation for counselling. It will help you talk through your awful feelings of guilt. They're misplaced but you'll need time and support to see this.
You love your son and are doing your absolute best.
Good luck