Motivating kids to do homework without TV or playstation games as reward

[flack]

I know some people don't believe in homework this young, but personally I would like DC to have a stab at it.
And don't go all Alfie Kohn on me, either.

DH wants to put the tv in storage for a while, which is fine by me as DH is the worst addict and DC are terrible screen addicts, too.

But the only thing motivating DC to do homework or chores around the house is tv, dvd and game time SO, without paying them money (not sure that would work anyway), do I give up on them doing homework/chores completely? I cannot think of a anything else other then removing all toys to loft to be earned back slowly as homework done, or equivalent actions -- that might incentivise DC to do homework/household jobs.

I think that is fine Flack, but what happens when he needs to do the homework to turn in a decent result?

I'm not condemning you at all - god knows we all have our battles with this parenting lark

It does read though that your DS does exactly what he wants to, which must be very wearing for you.

I think HW is optional in most primary schools, Trinity, bottomline. I know a lot of MNNers say they refuse to ask their DC to do it.

To discipline, we might tell him off, or take "something" away from DS, soapbox. I have banished him to his room for a while, on occasion, too. But no privilege matters to him much except tv/computer games (as you mention)... hence why I started the thread, since DH is talking about removing both from our lives for a while.

DH is probably not self-disciplined enough himself to actually do that, mind, so maybe I'm getting het up about nothing.

It would be more wearing to make more things into a battlezone, soapbox! Okay, so I'm not tough enough to impose my will on them 24/7. Hence why I choose the battles very carefully...
HW is optional for now, but chores I really WANT (maybe even need) them to do.

Oh let him do it, as long as you keep the computer, then you can while away the torturous hours on here while everyone else has a fit of the screaming ab dabs suffering from tv/games withdrawal

Flack, how old are your DC?

This is something I worry about. DS is not yet 5 and will be set homework from next September. He is soo tired after school as it is and I can't see him being mature enough reason with his tiredness in 7 months time.

8 & 6, Otherside.
They do get tired in Reception, don't they? I had no idea to expect that with my first.

Actually, in Yr1 I didn't have trouble motivating DS to do homework. And it often only took (takes) 5-10 minutes in y1. We just did it as a routine thing after tea when DH was home to keep the other children out of my hair. That system didn't work from Yr2 onwards, though, that's when I had to find an incentive (games) for DS.

Yes, I guess the novelty must help at first.

I'm in France so the system is very different over here but I think it's just a small ampount the first year they get hwork.

Otherside - yes, they don't seem to get much homework in primary school here actually. My elder stepson (CM2) does most of his during school hours, and what's left doesn't take much time. Didn't Sarko announce they were abolishing homework anyway?

The big step is when they go to 6ème, when homework really starts.

I'll stop worrying then until I know what the latest education reforms are for sure.

The parents of older children (but under 11s) at our school are always talking about the homework.

How does your stepson do the homework at school when there are no study periods? I thought it was always teacher led class time in primary school.

Soapbox: we have 3 Internet-linked computers in this house, but only one computer with firepower to run games, so no risk of me staying off MN (much to DH disappointment, maybe? ).

One last bump for any more feedback. My attempt to summarise what others have replied: Other parents find their children do h-work and chores because...

A) Parents impose their authority and child wouldn't dare defy it. What other penalties might parent reasonably impose other than withholding praise and items D) and E) below?

B) Praise is enough reward for them.

C) School penalises them if they don't.

D) Privileges might be withdrawn. Other than tv / games / clubs, what privileges would you include?

E) Parent suggests they'll just write a note to say why child didn't do HW, which mortifies child into action.

Fundamentally I guess I do "let" DS do mostly what he wants, but chivvying 3 children to/from school/preschool every day exhausts me. I hate organising other people's lives, I'm just not cut out to be a bossy boots, and all my children are highly distractable airheads, so need a lot of chivvying. Plus DD does some out of school activities. I'm so glad she's keen, but organising those for her is exhausting, too.

I am a bit confused here flack. Does the school actually give the homework? And if so why on earth if they don't then impose some sanction if homework not done?

My DS is 6 and in Yr 2 and gets far too much homework in my view. But he does it. (I bribe with PS/TV/Wii/computer use). I have threatened to put a note in to teacher if he doesn't do it. He hates that idea.

I would be furious with DS if he scribbled out a note I had written to the teacher.

I can imagine that it is very tiring organising 3 DCs but I think instilling discipline now will be much easier than when they are older. You are the parent - they need to respect that and do as they are told. I am pretty soft with DS with somethings but some others are non-negotiable and incur my very stern/shouty voice. And time on the stairs or no TV or whatever.

flack - I have 3 kids and they know they're expected to do homework so they get on with it. I don't reward them.

DSs are 8 and 10 and I guess we are pretty much in your section A).

If something is up for negotiation I put it to them in that way, and we discuss it.
But if I am telling them to do something, I make that clear, and they do it.

I make this clear with my body language, tone of voice, and the words I use. For instance instead of saying, "Please can you start your homework now, dear", I might say "I need to to get on and finish your homework now. Thank you" - then walk away to put across the message that I fully expect him to comply with my wishes. I might pop back in 5 mins for a little chivvy. My boys also respond very well to praise, and I try and make a point of saying how pleased I am with them when they get on and do something without a fuss.

To be honest (and I hope this doesn't sound too harsh) I am a bit concerned at someone saying of an 8 yr-old "I guess I do 'let' DS do mostly what he wants". IMO you really do need to impose some control now, because it will be a whole lot more difficult in 2 or 3 years' time.

We're not huge on sanctions in this house, though we do use them. But we try and put a more positive spin on it. So for example as part of their routine they usually do a chore at around 5.40 pm, then watch The Simpsons at 6 pm. It's not strictly a reward, nor is the withholding of it a punishment. But it is a consequence: if they don't get on and get their chores done, or if they argue or prevaricate, they are likely to miss the start of their programme.

If they have some more lengthy h/w to do at the weekend, I might say "If you crack on and get this finished this morning, we'll be able to go to town this afternoon to the cinema" (or whatever). An alternative would be to say "If you don't get on and get this done, you can't go to the cinema this afternoon" but I find with my boys the former is more effective.

HTH

I appreciate you taking time to write such a long post, Roison.
But whether you call it a "consequence" or a reward, either way, the actual underlying incentives for your children, sound effectively the same as what I'm doing. Might be differences of presentation, that's all, or a wider variety of things ("consequences") that matter to your children and that you'd be willing to consider as part of your discipline regime.

Now I am the one sounding all Alfie Kohn .

And tbh, a lot of the responses are revealing the same thing in other people, a little bit to my surprise. "I don't have to assert my authority but if I did, it would be by withdrawing the privileges that mean most to them" -- right, well, that's all I'm doing, too. The only big difference I can figure between me and some other parents is that I force the issue much less often, I am far choosier about what to battle on.

& Maybe Budda is right, it should be up to school to instill consequences re HWork.

I don't want to respond on the other things to do with discipline, mostly because I get fed up with some real life comments. And in spite of the judgements, I'm pretty sure we're no worse than average with respect at getting cooperation -- possibly better than average, in fact, in many respects.

Cheers, anyway.

I agree completely with what you are saying flack about praise/rewards/consequences/punishments. What I mean is that I have noticed with my boys (and with children at work - especially boys), the 'spin' that is put on the issue can make all the difference to the behaviour.

If I notice, comment on, praise, reward, etc. good behaviour and wise choices, then that has a far more positive impact (IMO) than if I threaten/carry out punishments/negative consequences for poor behaviour, failure to make wise choices, failure to complete tasks instructed, etc.

"please advise me"

"advice"

"you're all wrong, I can't be bothered, and everything is fine anyway"

?!?!

That wasn't very nice, y-a-n-.
I appreciate people taking time to reply, but most their methods won't work for me, personally, or aren't truly different from what I'm already doing and thinking I might have to radically change. Some of the replies have opined I'm doing a wrong thing by not being more disciplinarian in general, I tend to disagree with that specific point.

Some people ensure HWork and chores get done by smacking, whining and shouting -- I know the shouting has been mentioned on previous threads about getting kids to do HWork. But I don't want to resort to those methods, either.

Don't like threads so personally about me or mine, so will abandon it, now.

YAN - I didn't read flack's posts in that way at all.
I'm always of the opinion that most people are open to change and there's always room for improvement.

A few years ago I used to have more struggles with my boys doing as they were told. But having worked for the past 3 yrs in a secondary school (not an easy one), and observed other staff working, and done so myself; I have realised that the way you speak to children, the way you express yourself, the words you use as well as your body language and tone of voice are crucial to the reaction that you will get. Obviously there are many differences from a school situation to a domestic one, and I certainly don't spend my life barking orders at children at home or at school.

But IMO the skill of telling children what to do, in a way that means they will comply, is a skill that can be learned/taught given a desire to do so.

Sorry, got pissy, it was out of order.

I should have just written what I was going to, but it seemed pointless because you weren't going to listen.

So I will just go on to say, behaviour needs to be addressed and not just easily bribed. It may work to make your life easier now, but not necessarily as your son gets older and probably more pissy. I really think you should put some work in and not already feel like you've given up or be defeatist.

My own suggestion would be explanation of why homework is important. At the moment it's adults forcing child to do something, just like everything else, I think he needs to have more control over his life and to do that he needs to understand that homework will be personally beneficial to him and less stress all round when he eventually has to worry about being told off or making excuses.

You don't see homework as important right now and only say you'd like them to make a stab at it, not necessarily do it. So he's picking up on that most likely. You are probably doing him a disservice for when he's older and homework becomes a lot more important.

I always take the long view, will my actions in allowing something now be detrimental to the future. What kind of older child/teenager am I creating with my actions and do I want to do that.