Best ways to split time with a baby?

[trrk]

DD is now 3 months old. DH wants to be an active parent and do his share both of the quality time and the hard work but he is working full time (mix of at home and office) and I’m on maternity leave. For the first two months DH would take the first shift in the evening (~ 8pm to 1am) with DD in the living room while I went to bed early. Now she has more of a bedtime (no strict routine but going down between 9 and 10:30) so we are putting her straight down in the Next to Me and going to bed ourselves. Since I’m often the one settling her (she currently settles better for me) I’m not getting much baby free time and DH is also missing out on time with DD. Any suggestions on ways to divide our time that might work better and also give me more if a break? DH has done the night feed a few times recently to give me a break as I was sleeping poorly but he ends up pretty tired for work so nice for me but probably won’t work regularly. Also tried DH taking over with DD when he gets home from work but it’s not really a break for me as which ever one of us is not on baby duty is cooking and doing the washing up. Keen to hear what has worked for other people.

Honestly I don't think get much of a break with small babies unless you split time at the weekend.

I guess it might be wishful thinking! Just been feeling a bit overwhelmed recently with the feeling of constantly being on duty. We do take turns at the weekend but also try to have sone family time for all three of us (going for walks etc) and a few things to remind us of pre-baby life like pub lunches.

When I was on maternity, DH would do her bedtime routine - bath, sleepsuit, story. This was lovely for him and DD and I would either sit on my bum on the sofa or wash up after dinner with some music on.
It all depends on his working hours really - DD never settled for him in the night. If she woke up early he would take her downstairs for a bit so I could sleep/shower.

Def set aside a few hours at the weekend - a nice family activity all together and then each of you get a few hours in the afternoon off.

I don’t do this (I’m not organised enough) but it occurs to me maybe you could do some batch cooking so one cooking session does 2 dinners, that way on some nights when he’s doing evening baby time you don’t really have to do much for dinner.

I’d happily take the cooking whilst he does baby duty- it’s nice for them to have that time together and cooking is just a change so I never minded it. I’d also persevere with him doing bedtime settling, obviously if you’re breastfeeding he can’t do that but everything else. She won’t get better at settling for him if that’s taken as an excuse for you to always do it. Plan the weekends to allow for a lie in each, some time altogether and each of you getting a few hours to yourself at some point.

In this house cooking is a break 😂DH gets home/finishes work and I mooch off to the kitchen to cook dinner (in peace) whilst he plays with the kids (or vice versa if it's a day I've been at work). We then eat dinner as a family (even from when youngest was a tot she'd go in the stokke tripp trapp or one of us would hold her), one of us does bath whilst the other tidies round, then we do stories together and one of us takes eldest to bed, the other youngest. Both are in bed by 1930 at the latest. If either of them are unsettled then we take it in turns for who deals with them so we both get a break.

If I want to go for a run before work or extra 'me' time then I'm up and out at 0600 and DH looks after the kids. Equally he'll sometimes go out climbing in the evenings after the kids are in bed.

For us the key things that helped were

• both kids were combination fed so DH could look after them without worrying about them going hungry
• beyond working hours childcare is shared and that includes nights
• free time is 'tit for tat' and neither takes the piss

We don't have any family who can help out so this works for us and means we both get to spend time with the kids and get a bit of space.

Could your DH take shared parental leave?

It sounds like normal family life with children to me. There isn't much downtime unless you leave the house until they are in bed. The only time you could split it would be weekends I guess.

With DD1 I don't think I ever got a proper break until she was about 6 months.

DH would take ages settling her to the point where I just did it myself since she would otherwise just cry.

Do you have any family or friends around to help out?

My mum and MIL sent food almost everyday for the first three months and still often enough afterwards. This meant I could actually rest when DH had DD1.

With DD2, I'm a lot more relaxed and less controlling, so DH has had more opportunities to try put DD2 to sleep and has done so successfully.

You just need to let him keep trying. He won't be able to settle her unless he has the opportunities. It'll take a while to begin with, but eventually it'll take no time at all.

Also, sometimes you have to let go of the housework. Every now and then prioritise doing something for yourself instead of chores when DH has baby.

I'd agree it sounds pretty normal. Once they get an early bedtime there's normally more of an evening. You're in that weird stage when it's not a late enough or early enough bedtime to give you any useful alone time.

I'd do a couple of nights a week with some posh ready meals or an oven pizza or a batch cooked option from the freezer. DH can have some quality time with the baby, you can have some time off and no one is spending ages cooking or cleaning.