Struggling with being a mum

[PollysPocket1]

My LG is 5mo and I am struggling with lots of aspects of being a mum. Her awake windows are now up to 2.5 hours and she needs my attention all the time and I struggle to find things to do. We go for walks and lots of baby groups but the days feel endless.
She's also going through a really fussy stage, like she wants to be held a lot and whinges a lot. I get frustrated because I don't know what she wants and she gets frustrated because she can't tell me!
I end up feeling like the worst mother in the world when I'm touched out and frustrated and she's smiling at me and I can't muster anything to smile back.
Don't get me wrong, we play and cuddle and laugh a lot but these hard times are coming more often and all I see ahead of me is more hard times.
DO is fantastic but has been working a lot more recently to help pay off some debts we have so has been around a lot less.
Night times are hard too. Sometimes she just fussed for no reason. I hen she spits her dummy out for the 10th time I can feel my body reacting in anger and I don't want to feel like this. I just feel like the worst mum ever. I should be more empathetic to her needs.

I don't know what I want from this post and I hope I don't get any horrible comments because I feel quite fragile right now. Think I just need to get the words out of my head

I understand OP. This was me with my first child but I didn't have much awareness of it at the time. Well done for noticing it. For me looking back I think I had mild post partum depression. It effected my ability to bond with baby. I think learning to interact with a baby is a skill in itself and it took me a long time to even think of things to say to my DS! I'd judge myself on what I'd say to him, as if it mattered if I sounded silly! But I just wasn't comfortable in that interaction iyswim.

5mo is a hard age because they want to interact with the world but can only just sit up so they're frustrated. Post 6mo things get easier I think.

Have a chat with your HV. They'll have some ideas for support.

Also Google post partum rage/anger. It's a thing and is becoming more recognised through research. I've never been an angry person until I had kids. Apparently we have more testosterone as new mums. It correlates with lack of sleep which is another thing which should hopefully improve post 6mo.

My DS is now a toddler. We have a great bond and I learnt from him how to interact with babies which his little brother is benefiting from now 🙂

You’re doing fine. She sounds normal. The whole thing sounds normal. Did you have much contact with babies before this? Don’t sweat it.

Buy a baby carrier (I got mine secondhand on eBay so doesn’t need to break the bank) stick her in it, sing, dance, make stupid voices and flip your hair and get on with two free hands. This won’t work all the time but it’s worth a shot. It worked for two of mine most of the time. I’m replying now from Nightfeed corner so I get it.

Mine is 5m now and I empathise totally. I'm finding this stage harder than newborn, and have cried more in the last week or so than in the whole rest of the 5 months.

Try your HV and see if they have any advice? Do you have any pals you can see in the day? Sometimes just having someone over for coffee, even if ds is being hard work, can really help pass a few hours.

Sleep deprivation is the worst and I also get frustrated around trying to get ds to sleep. No advice, just solidarity. It's hard.

Thanks for your replies and it is nice to know it's not just me. I do love to her bits but it is so bloody hard sometimes.

I have got a sling that I use occasionally around the house. I feel bad if she's in it too much tho because I feel she should be playing but I suppose she is learning watching me do things too

Do you get out to baby groups? at this age they are for you.

Hi mama, I’m right there with you!
I have found being a mum incredibly hard, my baby is now 7 months.
I want you to know that you’re not alone 💐
I keep reminding myself that he won’t be a baby forever so try and make the most of it. Everything will get easier.
Lately what seems to help is structuring our days around wake windows. So wake window 1 may be change nappy, play on play mat for a bit whilst I have a coffee. Then we’ll have breakfast together and soon after he’ll take a nap. Wake window 2 may be go to the park and stare at dogs (my baby loves dogs lol).
It will get easier to fill time once baby is weaning as they will happily sit in high chair for a while whilst exploring new foods.
Doing some mediation helps lift my mood, as does going outside (even when I don’t feel like it.)

As for nighttime, I have no advice. Last night was awful for us, probably the worst since he was born. I have no advice for sleep but again, you are not alone and things will get easier.
Just remember that you are doing an amazing job and your baby is very lucky to have you as it’s mummy.

She doesn't want to do anything. She's just enjoying being with you. Do what you like, hold her, let her sleep on you. She only needs a few, very short, play sessions at this age, then her brain rests and recovers. Don't feel you have to constantly be doing things.
Mine spends hours watching the way the light makes shadows in the wall!

The book The Wonder Weeks is great for explaining what their brains are doing. It's way more basic than we think.

I totally get this. I really struggled with my first baby around the 3/4 month mark because everyone had said it would get easier then and it seemed to be getting harder. You're also knackered from looking after a baby 24/7 for however many months so your ability to cope is severely compromised.

Everyone is different, but the thing that helped me most was time to myself, for example going for lunch with a friend or staying at home and napping/resting while DH took the baby for a walk. Looking after a baby can be a joy, but it's challenging to do anything all day every day and enjoy it. Appreciate it may be hard to get some time off if your partner is working a lot and you don't have much other help, but even if you can plan something in a few weeks in advance it may help to have something to look forward to. With both my babies, I also breathed a big sigh of relief when they moved into their own rooms at 6 months - it felt a bit less claustrophobic after that.

Remember as well that everything is a phase. Your baby may be fussy now but she won't always be fussy, in a few months you'll have a different problem!

I understand. I found motherhood incredibly hard. Since about 4,5 months ds discovered he can make this high pitched noise every time he is frustrated and boy did we want to get our ears surgically removed this weekend with dh. Incessant moaning for several hours sometimes even though all his needs are met.
Ds is so loving and smiley with me I feel like a terrible monster when I'm looking forward to the time dh comes back from work so that I can have half an hour for myself downstairs in the quiet.

Things I found helpful so far are:

-Having a vague agenda for every day. Making up tasks outside the house if needed.
-Prioritising getting out with ds every day even though the house is a tip. Ds loves observing everything too
-"Good mums have scary thoughts" book. Made me realise what I'm feeling is normal and has nothing to do with how much I love my DS. It has very little text so doesn't even need that much time to read.

• Playgroups and support groups

We are doing our best OP. We got this 💐

Mine is now 8 months and honestly, 0-3 months was blissful, she was so easy. 4,5,6 months was actual hell.
I totally get everything you’re feeling and have been there, the endless Groundhog Day still gets to me and it’s worse because my daughter hates the pushchair and the car so it’s hard to even go anywhere and do things with her. Her sleep has just been horrendous and isn’t getting any better, and I feel that anger too when you just don’t know how to make the situation better when you have an over tired baby who just needs to sleep but refuses.
7 months was better because naps improved and she can sit up so plays a bit better. But we we approach 8 months she’s showing signs of being challenging again.
it’s hard to remember sometimes how helpless they are and that’s the reason for all this, but I don’t think we’re wrong for feeling down or frustrated because this is a very hard job.

You're not the worlds worst mum, you're just having a hard time. It's tough! For me I really turned a corner 10 months into motherhood and everything felt much easier and better. Hang in there

The days were endless for me too. I really struggled. Got to four months and went back to work pt. I instantly felt 100% better, some sense of normality returned and I enjoyed my days off with baby much more. I went back when Dc2 was five months for the same reason. I wasn't prepared to clock watch the months away.
They're now 19 and 17 and never a single regret.

This too will pass.

It feels so all consuming at the time but when you look back it's a very short period. Babies change so quickly. A strategy can work for a few weeks then they grow out of it and you'll find something new that works.

I remember really wanting dd to get mobile because at 5 months she was so frustrated and desperate to be able to move. She didn't want to be held but didn't want to be on the mat because she got so frustrated. Once she learned to crawl she was much happier and more independent (too independent, we have a lot of stairs!)

As pp said, a structured day is good. Will baby nap on the move or does she need to be in her crib?

Also as pp said you may have depression, worth asking your gp if you can get an appointment. They should be alert and sympathetic, I used to get endless depression questionnaires every time I took baby in for anything.

Meeting up with and talking to other adults is good, you need adult company (even if it's just endless boring chat about your baby it's better than nothing!)

Do you have a solid bedtime routine at a specific time? I used to really look forward to 7pm when I knew I could stop for the day and spend some time for myself and/ or with DH.

Hang in there.

Sorry you're struggling OP, I have nothing but empathy for you. I felt exactly the same when my DD was that age. I did have post natal depression which I hadn't sought treatment for at that time though. But I got through it all by having a vague plan for each day to get out of the house. I see you go to baby groups etc, do you have friends with babies/small children that you can socialise with? This massively helps being able to off load to people who are going through the same/similar things.

Like other PP have said, wear baby in a sling when you're trying to get jobs done round the house, don't feel guilty not playing all the time as she just wants to be with you. You can give her plenty of attention by talking/singing to her and that is what she needs a lot of the time.

The other thing that gets me through parenting every day (and current pregnancy) although my DD is not a baby anymore, is that all these things are just a phase. Things will get easier. They will also get harder in some ways but nothing lasts forever and even in a month or two when she can properly sit up and you start weaning, you will find you will have more ways to distract her round the house.

You mustn't feel like a bad mum, you are doing great and your baby is so lucky to have you!

5 month olds are the absolute pits.
They need loads of sleep but are too alert to go to sleep so get tired and cranky.
They are becoming more aware of the world but can't sit up, crawl and their motor skills are not very good.
They needs loads of milk as they're on the cusp of weaning.
I absolutely hate hate hate hated the 4/5/6 month period. All day nap battles, constant moaning, sleep in toilet. It's also very tiring as you've been doing this shit for 5 months with no break. Horrible.
Once they can sit up unaided and gain a little bit more control over their motor skills it gets a bit better. Still shit. But better.
It also helps when they start to consolidate their naps (mine only did 30 minute sling naps until 6.5 months). Now she has both naps in cot and one is long so I have a break. Watch TV, do some meal prep, have a nap - whatever!

I also have a 5 month old, he sleeps well at night which is excellent, but during the day he's the same. I feel like he's frustrated sometimes because he just wants to move about so I'm constantly trying to keep him entertained and trying to guess what he wants.

It also makes me feel like the worst mum when I've no idea what he's wanting. I think sometimes he's just bored of spending most of his time with me 😅 holding onto the hope that when he can move about he'll be a lot happier.

I think it's just a frustrating time for them at that age because they're awake longer and want to explore but can't yet and as mothers we feel guilty about not being able to help them more.

God I loathed the early days so intensely. I don't know if you felt able to be brutally honest here OP, but from what you've written, I promise I had FAR worse thoughts than you. Things started improving a bit at 6 months, and then again at a year – I'd say it became bearable at a year, enough that I wasn't hating every minute of it! Then it just got easier and more fun from there on in. I'd say I started loving being a mum when she was 3 (which I know feels very far away for you now, but it won't be as bad as it is now for that whole time, I promise!) and now that she's almost 5 she's my best pal, joy of my days, greatest thing that every happened to me, love of my life etc etc, all that good stuff. It just took a while to get here.

Never having another one though. Those early days were ABOMINABLE.

Don't worry you are not alone!
I found it difficult from day one and it almost felt like waiting for each day to pass and making it to the weekend as if it was some checkpoint. We love him to bits but yess very challenging at times!

It's OK not to like the baby stage and it does get easier when they start to talk. In fact it gets more and more fun!

Your replies have made me so emotional, in a good way. Thank you so much all of you. It's so relieving to know I'm not just completely shit at this.
When she was 3 months I was absolutely loving motherhood, like as she was becoming more aware and the smiles were real smiles and not just wind but 4 into 5 months has knocked me for six. I still get so much joy from all the 1st, but I think what a few people have said about them being alert but not able to move yet is a big part of it.
She is sooooo whiney when on the mat and I think she's frustrated she can't do anything yet. And I get such horrible feelings like I should be enjoying this and what if it means I don't love her enough.
And the worst thoughts are like god if I can't handle 5 months how will I handle the terrible twos and threenager years. Worried I will turn her against me by not being chirpy mum all day long!

Can't express how grateful I am for all of your messages, I feel so much less alone and worried about everything from reading this today ❤️

You're not alone. I look back at the baby days now and I wish I had been less hard on myself about not loving it all the time - it didn't mean I wasn't maternal at all. 18 months onwards is my sweet spot and I absolutely don't mind the "terrible" toddler stage (or maybe it is just the two I have - frustrated as babies, much much better as toddlers once they have movement and language). Everyone is different and no one gets an easy ride with pregnancy, birth, feeding and all stages of parenting - you probably get a lot of "enjoy it whilst..." comments, but it's ok not to find them joyous

Hope you’re okay OP. Better, brighter times are ahead. I found everything much easier from 6 months when we started weaning, suddenly meal times gave a bit of structure to the day and baby could sit in a swing at the park which got us out more. I’ve found every physical development has made things that little bit easier and means more you can do with them. Also if sleep doesn’t improve you can look at sleep training from 6 months depending on how you feel about It (know it’s not for everyone but it was a game changer for us at 11 months). Good luck and take good care of yourself. When things were at their worst, at the end of the day I made a point of noting one good thing I’d done for my baby that day and one moment of joy. And it made me realise I wasn’t a terrible mother and it wasn’t all misery x

I PROMISE you love her enough. Nobody enjoys all aspects of parenting, and if anyone says they do they're lying!

If I could impart ANY wisdom to new mums it would be not to worry about the stages coming up. I spent so much of DD's babyhood stressing about the terrible twos and threenage years and how would I cope when I was hating this so much, and everything was going to be bad and hard forever and sleep regressions and and and... And actually, what happened was that a) most of those challenges either didn't happen at all (I can count her tantrums on one hand, honestly, and she only ever had ONE in public!) or were way easier than I imagined they would be (her worst ever sleep regression once she was beyond 11 months and sleeping through the night lasted for three nights and then just went away completely) and b) as I felt closer to her and she became more of a person, I started enjoying it all so much more than any challenges which we did face felt way more manageable and worth it.

Try not to worry about what's going to come next because it will almost certainly be easier than you're imagining. And honestly, for me, it's ALL been significantly easier than the first year.