In law problems

[Mummykittykat]

looking for advice? My in laws doted on my youngest to the point I could not get rid of them. Took them out all the time. Then youngest born hardly any interest shown in either child. Got worse and worse.

Now their cousin born and they now never ask for my children or spend time with them unless I was to reach out. I am fed up reaching out so they have hardly seen them. SIL let’s them have free rein (sleepovers from a few weeks old, have all day etc). so not sure if this a factor? I am quite strict on how I like children to be looked after. Value all opinions please? Unable to speak with in-laws as they just get defensive.

I am quite strict on how I like children to be looked after.

This is your problem. Grandparents aren't paid help. You can't dictate to them and expect them to still turn up when scheduled.

I would bet any money that the reluctance on the part of your ILs to connect with your kids is about you, not about your children. It sounds like you were very overwhelmed by them when your first was born, so they dialled it back with your second and are letting you set contact on your terms, but now you're not happy about that either.

I don’t want them as help atall. I would just like them to see my children and spend some time with them. This is what they did with first born- played with him and took him to park etc.

I can completely accept they may have toned it down as I was overwhelmed. However they make no effort atall unless I contact them.

when I mean strict I mean around naps and what they eat etc. this just based on the fact this was not happening and caused a lot of issues our end.

Have you tried talking to them? Sitting them down and saying - look, I know that when DC1 was first born I got really overwhelmed by the amount of involvement you guys had, and I recognise that with DC2 you've made a huge effort to not overwhelm me and I really appreciate that. But I don't want that to impact your closeness with the kids, they love you so much and you're such good grandparents. Can we find a middle ground?

It is near impossible to talk to them. They take everything as a criticism or an attack and just go defensive and shut down. My second born is now 3 so this situation has been going on a while. Since my niece has been born it is like my children do not exist.

So maybe step up your involvement? If they only see them when you ask, ask more! Rebus the connection.

Sadly it’s possible you have made it too hard and not worth the effort. Maybe they are just happy to see the children with their father.

My husband told me to stop this. The last couple years it is me arranging for them to spend time with us or asking if they would like to take the kids to do something. There has never been any improvement and my husband said this just showed lack of interest in their part. They no longer know my children well and the children are no longer interested in seeing them this why I have pulled back too. It just feels all one sided.

Sounds like it's been too much like hard work, so they've checked out.

It’s usually easier to look after the daughters child/children.

The upbringing will be familiar and daughter less likely to be overwhelmed by help from her parents.

Maybe you can ask your partner to discuss it with his parents… to try to make it something regular?

I love my grandchild to bits. However i am made to feel very unwelcome if i ask to visit them i am not allowed to take them for a walk or to the park. I am not asked to be involved at all really unless my dd and sil want help with something, so I simply don't bother asking. Maybe your pil feel like this?

I am not sure what has been hard work? They have no relationship with my husband. I don’t think he has ever taken them on his own to see them.

I want to be clear when I say strict this relates to when they were young. In laws took them failed to give them naps so they would be so overtired. They would take them out to lunch and forget to feed them. Or they would want to do sleepovers and I was not ready for that.

You can’t make people be interested and I think you need to accept the relationship for what it is. They seem to want you to be the one to initiate things. I personally would just pull back from them myself and wait and see if they contact you. If they don’t bother just focus on the friends and family that do show an interest and see it as their loss.

By hard work, that doesn't necessarily mean anyone was in the wrong. Just a difference of opinion about how things should be during their time with the kids and an inability to communicate.

No I am more than happy for them to come to the house and spend time with children and or us. Also have no problem them taking them out.

Thank you that’s how I am starting to feel and what my husband is saying

You had a difference of opinion on naps, eating, you were strict with how you like the kids to be looked after and overwhelmed. They are choosing the easy path and getting their grandparent relationship from their other grandchildren.

You might not have a problem with them coming to the house and taking the kids out, but it seems that they do, so you need to accept that, or find a way to communicate with them.

Thank you. I think I am going to have accept that is how it is. I wish I could have a chat and sort it all but they just shut down and won’t communicate anything.