5 year old told me she thinks overweight child will be horrible

[Cornflakesandhoney]

My 5 year old and I had a conversation that completely took me by surprise and upset me. Normally she's been a kind and considerate child and is so lovely with her younger brother. Today the conversation went...

DD: she's actually nice mummy. I haven't played with her because she's fat. But she can be nice actually.

Me: why would you not play with someone because of how they look? People are all shapes and sizes, have different colour skin, eyes, hair.

Dd: Yes but it looks horrible, all fat, all over her body

Me: ok. but you wouldn't like it if someone didn't play with you because they don't like the colour of your hair. It's about how kind people are. And if they make you feel good when you're with them.

Dd: hmmmm, OK. I've never told anyone this. I don't want to talk about it anymore more.

I left it there but I'm horrified that my child, whom we're trying to raise as kind and tolerant would think this.

Not sure what to think. This idea hasn't come from anyone in the family.

Anyone else experienced something similar?

What did you do?

I'd cut her some slack if I were you. I remember this as a very small child, having a visceral "ick" reaction to overweight children. It wasn't to do with prejudice or anything, it wasn't anything my parents said or did or anything and I'm not fatphobic as an adult.

To be honest I think it's because there's actually something really disturbing about overweight children - it's so counter to how a child should be, it sets off alarm bells about all sorts of things - and I feel like maybe some kids tap into that on an instinctive level that they can't emotionally express. kids don't have nuance, they just have "like" and "don't like".

Children get messages from society that ‘fat’ people are worth less than slim people. It’s not her fault. Just keep reinforcing with her that you can’t judge a book by its cover.

It’s incredibly common. www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/05/study-kids-are-prejudiced-against-fat-people-by-age-4/275980/

Just look at, for example, Roald Dahl or David Walliams books, you can easily see where kids get the idea that fat people are thick, lazy, stupid, greedy, etc.

If a small child had 'a visceral 'ick' as you put it, to someone with a particular skin colour would you cut them some slack? Would you say it ' wasn't to do with orejudice?'

No, absolutely not. There is nothing inherently unnatural about differing skintones in the way an overweight child is inherently unnatural.

A child reacting negatively (not just with surprise, shyness, curiosity etc) towards a child of a different skintone has definitely been prejudiced by their upbringing. I don't think the same is necessarily true of children reactive negatively to overweight kids. The sight of overweight children sets off alarm bells for most people, doesn't it, but little kids don't know how to interpret those instincts and it often manifests as a negative perception.

I think you're right, but with obesity levels as high as they are, you're going to get a negative reaction from people on the defensive.

Cognitive dissonance.

OK then, what about a ' visceral ick' to a disability?is that as ' unnatural' as a fat child? Is that OK?

No, I don't think defensiveness is the reason at all.It is fundamentally wrong to think, or speak like the dc

You said the right things op.

Yes. Sort of but different reasons other than looks.
One of mine hates being made to play with a fat boy in school. He comes in in proper rages about it and from what I gather the wee boy cries in the playground because he’s left out of the boys games.
The teachers make the boys include this wee boy who then cries and complains because he can’t keep up in manhunt or at football or this parkour shite they’re all doing now and he can’t playfight either so then the boys get made to play something the don’t want to.
He got sent home a few months ago coz he lost his shit when the teacher handed them all beanbags to throw in a bucket and took their football and goalie gloves away after this wee boy ran away crying coz he had a stitch.

I get they’re all supposed to be on this be kind guff the now but how is it fair that a group of active healthy wee boys have their fun and their exercise and downtime ruined by one kid who isn’t fit enough to keep up?

It means that the DD won't comment to her DM in future in case she is made to feel bad about it.
A very fat child probably can't join in easily with scampering about the play ground like their classmates.
The fact DD was surprised she was a nice girl suggests that others are avoiding her too - good on the DD for finding out she is 'normal'.

I think all you can do is encourage your child to think beyond their first reactions to an appearance.

Maybe there is some unconscious instinct to be wary of someone who doesn't appear healthy?

I think all you can do is encourage your child to think beyond their first reactions to an appearance.

Maybe there is some unconscious instinct to be wary of someone who doesn't appear healthy?

Yes, it's a similar prejudice despite people trying to justify it. Luckily the op has a mother who explains to her child why it's wrong rather than thinking it's fine because fat people are disturbing like one of the other posters

It's good that the 5 year old could express that she had an unconscious prejudice yet overcame it by herself tbh. It's also good that the op could gently but firmly reinforce that judging other children's personality purely based on weight/ physical appearance is wrong.

That's all there is to this, given the child is five.

Given the child is five years old with related lack of experience they might think all sorts of strange things - what's important is how their parents respond and guide them.

Children should not be forced to play together in the very blatant and clumsy way Highlandpony described, if it really happened like that! That's obviously going to increase the scapegoating and social exclusion of the child in question, not increase inclusion and acceptance! The trick is to introduce an attractive activity (especially one with new equipment - marbles, playground bowling or playground chalks for example) suited to the child with physical limitations as an offer some (not necessarily all) children will want to do, not to ban the most popular games and force children to play something dull and unattractive to all of them!

It’s precisely the same as children not wanting to play with kids who have a visible disability but that’s also not their “fault”. It’s definitely a human instinct to be wary of people who look diseased/ unhealthy/ not normal. It is a prejudice of course but all you can do is try to explain why that’s not nice and try to get them to look beyond that instinct to exclude.

It sounds like you dealt with it pretty well, I’m not sure what else you could have said. I’m speaking as someone with a visible deformity which children react to - I used to have children run away from me in the playground when I was small. Adults are sometimes better at hiding their discomfort but not always - it is what it is. Generally people prefer to be around attractive healthy looking people I think we (as a society) will never prevent that preference.

i can remember feeling the same as a child and it didn’t come from outside sources. I also gravitated towards pretty people. I honestly think it’s a primitive reaction to things outside the norm.

Definite correct - I’m amazed people haven’t noticed it. Why do you think the most popular children are generally the most attractive ones?

It’s a complex issue I think. There are definitely outside influences at play but as pp said it’s also just a natural human reaction to what is not supposed to be the norm. Adults can convince themselves as much as they like that ‘big is beautiful’ - and I don’t mean ‘plus size’ models, I mean your bog standard obese body - I think deep down most of us don’t feel that way in our society, or in most societies. We don’t aspire to look that way and we’re not attracted to it. Children will express this frankly and it comes across as shallow but they are not mature enough to distinguish between physically appealing and not being nice as a person and certainly not mature enough to mince their words to be kinder and not offend.

She said "Yes but it looks horrible, all fat, all over her body"

To which you answered "Ok..."

I'm sorry, but I don't think that was the right response at all.

One of my children had a peculiar frightened reaction if he saw people with Down syndrome probably up to the age of about 8. He didn’t say anything but would tend to try to stand behind me and try to hide and I know this happened from when a teen girl with downs tried to stroke his face when about 5. I asked him about it and he said he couldn’t explain.

I knew it was a one off he would grow out of

I think you said appropriate things OP. Acknowledging her feelings while explaining they weren't kind feelings is the best way forward IMO. If you just tell her that her feelings are wrong, then PP is right - she just won't be honest about it again.

On instinctive recoiling: I remember doing this with a girl in my class with learning difficulties and also a friend's grandmother who was physically disabled. No-one spoke to me about those incidents, but I look back and cringe very very hard. So I did outgrow it at least 🤷‍♀️

I think you handled it well, I agree with it being instinct about avoiding anything outside the norm. Part of the process in a child becoming a civilised adult is understanding our pre-judgements about people may be wrong.

She’s probably going to be a lot more likely to be open to people who are different from her now. I’d rather have had that conversation with DD at 5 then her become an adult who avoids differences and has never mentioned anything to me about it. Instead of seeing this as a bad thing see it as a good thing that your daughter is thinking about it.