Selective mutism

[Nowheretogo1985]

Hi, my son is 7 and I have some concerns about his behaviour in social situations.

Unless he's with me, his sister, his dad or his friends, he really struggles to talk to other people especially adults. He often won't answer questions asked directly to him, even with his aunties or uncles, its like he can't process what's being said. The most he will do is nod his head. When we go on playdates with my friends children who are younger than him, he won't play with them he will sit attached to me on the couch for an hour. the last playdate I had at a soft play he sat with Me and refused to play until I went into the soft play with him. as soon as I ventured back to the table to talk to my friend, he was there right by me again. This frustrated the life out of me because it felt like spoilt demanding behaviour.

I thought it was selective mutism but when I spoke to school they were taken aback by my concerns and said they hadn't seen anything to suggest he wasn't anything other than "normal". When I see him with his friends, he is sociable and chatty.

Im just after some advice, I'm wondering whether he's choosing not to speak or he physically can't in some situations unfamiliar to him? I have no idea how to handle this 😞

What would you do??

I now realise I had this as a child. It's basically a social anxiety problem. I remember the paralising fear that stopped me making a noise, and I would sit still without moving sometimes. I couldn't talk to my friends if I knew adults were around, I couldn't say "aaahhh" at the doctors, I couldn't answer questions at school which resulted in them thinking I had a learning disability and moving me into special classes. There wasn't any sympathy or understanding in those days (80s) in fact I was often disciplined at school for being 'rude'.

Anyway, the good news is that I grew out of as I gained confidence in myself growing up. I got into drama which helped lots with the public speaking side of things. It's helpful because everyone feels nervous in that situation so you can learn the skills and work through it with other people and you don't feel so odd about if that makes sense.

My son has asd and often doesn't process questions. He can answer familiar questions from family because he's learnt the excepted answer rather than he's answering the questions. If it's anxiety then he may only be speaking with people he feels safe with. He's definitely not doing it to be naughty or annoying . I'd go gp for advise and speak to senco at school. You could look at a speech and language referral and maybe counselling. Is he happy tho? If he is it may be a case of accepting he uses language differently to the norm and he's not a soft play person.

Maybe he's just shy 🤷‍♀️

@trampoline123 he may just be shy and then again, be might not be. Something tells me there's more to it then shyness. I'd rather explore some options now to help him rather than leave things and him potentially have a bigger problem with anxiety later down the line.
@autienotnaughty thank you for your response, thats really helpful. I think I will speak to gp like you said and get in touch with the semco at his school. I think he's happy...but I'm just not sure.
@containsnuts I'm sorry you had to go through that. That must've been a massive struggle to deal with without any help from anyone. So pleased you worked through it tho. And with the help of drama! Most young people with communication difficulties seem to want to run for the hills where drama is concerned!

My son has selective mutism and is unable to speak at school and to his peers outside of school but is more than chatty at home.

The thing with selective mutism is just that, it's selective and varies from child to child so it could very well be that your child also has selective mutism.

Initially we were told he is just shy but as a parent, I just knew there was more to it than just shyness. We've had to jump through hoops to get it confirmed as selective mutism and not shyness. Personally, I think go with your instincts.

My son speaks to adults easily, especially when it's quiet. He always has: I remember at 4 him finding a young couple near us in the park and going and telling them everything they could possibly ever have wanted to know about Lego ninjago. Yet at kinder he only spoke to 1 child and never ever in front of a group.

He's 10 now and it's not a massive problem, though he very rarely volunteers anything in class he will now at least answer questions if there is a small audience.

School has dismissed my concerns on and off as he has always been fine with preferred classmates and with adults when removed from the classroom and somehow they think this makes up for his inability to ask for help in a standard classroom situation.

We have been to the GP who referred us to mental health for children, they assessed him but only from a mental health perspective and were confident that he is more than happy within himself and signed him off. It was quite frustrating as I thought they were going to assess and help with the selective mutism as he always seems more than happy and never any issues with his mental health.

We were referred to the NHS speech and language team as advised by the NHS website but declined the referral stating as there is no concerns with his speech or language it would be more of a social anxiety issue. (This may be dependent on area so your local one may be able to help).

We are on the CAMHS waiting list but in our area it's about a 3 year waiting list, he was referred by school but I am not convinced they will be able to help anyway.

I tried BUPA but that was a no go too.

We had an independent speech and language therapist pop into school who did confirm him to have selective mutism but isn't a field they work in.

He is currently on the SENCO register with school who are working with him to build his confidence and sharing his voice that I hear and love.

With your situation, I would definitely speak to SENCO at your school to gather their thoughts. Although our experience with thr GP/Mental Health Team and Speech and Language didn't progress, from groups that I have joined it does seem to depend on the area you live for expertise in the field.

My DC was a selective mute when she was young. It's very important not to pressure him to speak. If he is speaking at school, that's a good thing. You could speak to the GP if you are concerned but I would think the chances of getting seen by a SALT any time soon are small if he is OK at school as the service is so over stretched. There is a good method called "sliding in" but this would normally be done at school.

You may obv be doing this already so ignore if so, but I’d be helping him learn more about regulating his emotions. So lots of modelling your own “oh I’m frustrated we’ve run out of pasta. I could buy some more or I could sing along to the radio because that helps me when I’m frustrated” or “I feel a bit nervous meeting XYZ for the first time, so I’m going to practice what I’m going to say to them incase my mind goes blank. Shall we do it together”
Id also be practicing beforehand with him about where he’s going, what he might want to say to typical questions, things that might come up - help him feel empowered that he has the tools to regulate and handle how he’s feeling.

My friend’s daughter experienced social anxiety and behaved in a similar way to your DS. She accessed play therapy through school and found it helpful.

Similarly to @PandaOrLion, I think zones of regulation night be worth trying - this link refers to autism which I'm not saying is relevant but the info is useful for all children who struggle to recognise/articulate when they are doing overwhelmed
www.autismparentingmagazine.com/easy-ways-with-self-regulation/

I have similar with my DD except she's silent when DH or I are there, but will talk when left alone. So for eg when we go to see grandparents, she will not say anything, not do anything until she is left in the house alone with them. Last time we saw my in-laws we were 2+ days in before she said anything. At a garden party in the summer she refused to go on the bouncy castle, swings, trampoline etc and wanted to sit on or next to me. Refused to go and play with other children, even though they were asking her to go with them. It's so frustrating, and I feel awful but I do end up telling her off sometimes. She misses out on so much! Teachers at school say she is a quieter child in the class but she is fine in her friendship circle.
No advice, just sympathy!