Parenting differences between genders.

[Questions07581]

Hi all mum's on here. I'm looking for a woman's perspective. I'm a man and have just started trying to conceive with my girlfriend. She already has a 9 year old, who's awesome by the way, but seems to not respect her mother. Shouting, hitting, biting, not doing as she's told, being rude etc. She's lovely and very respectful to me and I can't help but like her she's so funny. I in no way blame her for her behaviours, because her mum doesn't ever offer consequences for her actions. So they never change. it only seems to be towards her mum though, as far as I can tell she's respectful to her dad who is very present in her life.

It obviously causes me some concern. I don't want my child acting like that when they're older and I would put into place immediate consequences for that behaviour

But the issue is, I've had relationships with 3 women in the past, all quite varied in their personalities and demographics, and they all seemed to have the exact same issue. They all seemed to just, find it so difficult to follow through with consequences. And obviously it's not my place to do so, I don't have that authority.

But my experiences has got me wondering if it's just a gender thing. I'm wondering if women just naturally struggle to set down boundaries. Women tend to be more nurturing I think than men, but it seems, not as good with boundaries.

Having said that, it's only 4 women and I know that's not enough to come to any conclusions about women in general.

Also, my step mum as a child was quite horrible/borderline abusive so that kind of blows my hypothesis out of the water. And that is NOT what I'm looking for in a partner who I have kids with.

I'm just looking for a female perspective on this, or male if there are any dads on here. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

I don't want to leave a relationship because of some idealistic idea of what a mother should be like. Especially if it transpires that being lenient is just a female trait.

Help!!

You’re mad to be ttc with someone whose parenting you don’t respect.

It sounds to me like you have a ‘type’ rather than women not being able to set boundaries.

Being lenient is not a female trait 🙄

But my experiences has got me wondering if it's just a gender thing. I'm wondering if women just naturally struggle to set down boundaries. Women tend to be more nurturing I think than men, but it seems, not as good with boundaries.

In my long life every man has been shite at discipline and leave everything to the mother. I'm talking from great grandparents down to adult neices/nephews. So yes its a sex (not gender) thing but the opposite to yours.

Erm, no, it isn't a gender thing.

I hope that helps.

Nope.

my ex (male) let the kids do whatever they wanted they stayed up until 1 am had takeaways x3 a day as he couldn’t be bothered to cook

Yeah cause the term ‘Disney Mum’ is common usage, so it must be that all women don’t have boundaries.

Maybe you just pick women that don’t have boundaries. Why is that do you think?

It's not a gender thing. Both (all?) genders can be shite parents and many mothers have much more control over their children than the fathers do.

But I would have to question your motivation coming onto a forum for mostly mothers asking if we think that mothers are shite at implementing boundaries for their children. Like - are you serious?

I don't think it's a gender thing, I think it's a parent Vs a child-free person. What's the saying? Everyone is the perfect parent until they have kids, or something like that. Things aren't always as straightforward as they seem. Parents have to pick their battles. Some kids seem naturally to be inclined to behaving well, while others would try the patience of a saint - and often these children are brought up by the exact same people! And that's before factoring in issues like neurodiversity and so on. My kids are generally fine but you can guarantee they will wait for an audience before doing / saying something really naughty. Be careful how much you judge because you might look back on this when you have your own naughty 9 year old and feel quite guilty that you thought you could do better!

jesus I should’ve known that you’d receive shitty sarcastic replies just because you’re a man

in all seriousness, you need to have a chat about parenting styles. It’s not something you can acoid

just out of curiosity - what kind of ‘consequences’ would you want to see given to this child?

Aha thank you.

Yeah I did wonder about the reception I'd receive. I was hoping for a bit more warmth though... I'm asking these questions from a good place, I wanted to gain some insight from a woman's perspective. I thought it might be a bit more collaborative.

Thanks for your reply though...

We've had that chat but we both class ourselves as authoratitive. Which I guess most people would, it being the balanced approach and all.

I know it's easy to say as a non parent, and I'm sure when I have my own kids the reality of my parenting won't always match up to my ideals.

For me though. I'd probably say something along the lines of "you've hit me, that's not acceptable, and because of that your devices are confiscated for the day" instead of telling the chil how wrong it and having a long chat about it but not offering any consequences.

Maybe it's a single parent thing rather than a female thing.

@Questions07581 🤣🤣🤣 moved on from female stereotyping to single parent stereotyping

Mum is trying to get to her kid's reason for doing that, trying to connect with the child who is having a tricky time, while establishing her own boundaries by telling her the hitting etc is not on. Probably believes that 'consequences' (banning something is a punishment) will only increase resentment and bad behaviour.

May be, it's a better at parenting thing.

It's sex not gender.

Never heard of that before.

Yeah I'm quite serious. I came here to get your opinion. I got that from you, so thanks.

I've also learnt I don't really like this site.

I was quite surprised at how misandristic the majority of the users are.

I think there can be ineffectual parents of both sexes.
I agree with pp you would be crazy to conceive with someone whose parenting style you so clearly disagree with.
However banning devices for the rest of the day for hitting is quite a big option and probably OTT unless previous smaller clear more immediate sanctions have been tried. After devices have been banned, what more would she have to lose?

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

This site doesn't like generalisations about sex.

It also doesn't like mixing up sex and gender because of the way women's safe spaces are being removed due to this being permitted and not though about.

The comments you have been given have been mainly helpful - don't have a child without being on the same page as to parenting.

You’re the one criticising someone else’s parenting while not yet a parent and yet strangely planning to have one with her despite how wrong you think she is. Lots of us offer plenty of warmth on here where it’s due. You’re ridiculously naive and on a hiding to nothing my friend.

And I know no one who describes their parenting as “authoritative”. I’m bringing up children not commanding an army.

Maybe you pick women who struggle with boundaries because you don't like being given limits.