Sad, insecure 3.5 year old

[Worriedfords3]

Name changed due to feeling guilty, also co sleeping...

My ds is 4 in January and struggling. It's been a tough year for us all - im the only one who has not been in hospital unexpectedly. New baby sister for ds at the start of the year, I lost my job of 6 years while on maternity (im the higher earner), got a new job, and now his nursery days are upped to 4 per week from 3 (me and dp do flexi on Fridays, half a day each).

Ds says he is sad because I spend too much time with the baby. She is exclusively breastfed (8 months), also in nursery when he is, and I'm afraid I co sleep with them both. He had some health issues when younger, he is still underweight and waking for barista oat milk overnight despite a high calorie day time diet 🙄 Co sleeping helps us all maximise sleep and stay alive! Baby girl is fortunately brilliant, sleep feeds, doesn't wake him up.

He has gone from being pretty reasonable as a toddler to extremely dramatic the last few weeks, tantrums he can't be distracted from. And jealous of his sister. Things like not getting his socks on right first time are resulting in full on screaming, tears, throwing himself on floor. It's not like him.

What can I do, except carve out special time for just me and him on the weekends? He seems very insecure, and wants to be a baby often (at home only, not nursery). We've been humouring him on this. I don't want him to feel sad or neglected. No indications of neurodiversity. I've talked to him about big feelings etc, naming feelings.

How can I help him feel secure and happy?

Oh dear, that sounds hard. Can you get him involved with the baby? Ask him to fetch things such as nappies etc if they are within reach. Then lots of praise for being such a helpful boy.
Can he help with bathing baby? Can he spread a towel on the floor and help dry her gently?
Apart from that, try to give him some time on his own with you - maybe at bedtime if your husband can see to the baby?

Put the baby in her cot so he gets you to himself at night?

Honestly, for a cosleeping toddler, having a baby suddenly invading their safe sleeping space with mummy can be so traumatic. Obviously ideally you'd get him out of your bed and co-sleep with the baby, but seeing as he's so miserable that's probably not an option.

He absolutely loves the baby, that's not an issue. It's mutual, she prefers him to dp!! They're always giggling together and she gives him kisses. He's just started to be less gentle suddenly and admits he is not happy about her. He is praised day in day out for being helpful/kind/gentle. It seems to be solely about me and my time I think?

I already do both bed times. She goes to bed before him, then he comes through and we chat or have a story before he's ready to sleep. (Dp does all cooking, shopping, most cleaning etc, we're fully balanced for me doing all the nights).

Yeah it's not about the baby at all, they can love the baby and still be miserable it's there. It's about time with you. Honestly, sort the cosleeping and you'll see a huge improvement.

@MolliciousIntent I could try the cot, that's true. Just been trying to avoid further sleep deprivation so far. Baby girl doesn't drink milk (expressed or formula, any vessel) at nursery yet (just water and lots of food) so she is topping up at night. We're only 5 weeks in to her going there.

That's tough. Have you tried porridge supper and sleep training? We just did that with our 7m DD and she's gone from 3hr

3hr stretches to 7-7.

awww, feel really sorry for you OP, it's so hard to balance everyone's needs. remember it wont last forever. In my opinion, in the first year sleep is the sacred vessel of sanity so i would say keep both kids in bed with you, it's easier that way. Try and find some time to spend just you and him, maybe a park trip or something at the weekend for a couple of hours, and tell him how proud you are of him etc. This phase will pass and you have given him a sibling, with lots of happy times together in years to come. Try and not feel too much mum guilt x

Ah OP, this sounds so hard. I think your instincts to make more time just for you and him are correct - but I also think you mustn't beat yourself up thinking this is all necessarily because of something you've done/changes you've made in his life.

My daughter is the same age as your son and she's off the charts at the mo. Incredibly emotional, very clingy, screams the place down at nursery drop off (when she's always been so confident and happy there before), explosive rages over little things, wanting to be 'a baby'... and nothing in our life has changed significantly. I think a lot of it is just the age. They've got these big feelings, they want their independence but are afraid of it/get frustrated when it doesn't go their way/suddenly miss their babyhood.

I guess I'm saying take what he's going through with a pinch of salt - this phase might always have come along at this moment, regardless of your change in circumstances - but that's not to say it should alter your response. He is so little and life is so complicated, he deserves your attention and kindness. Lots of cuddles and one-on-one time will help you both.

@MolliciousIntent Thanks. Baby has recently been prescribed lactulose so right now she is on a late supper of prunes lol, but she is sleeping better for it. I've no concerns with her though tbh, she's developing pretty much as expected with longer sleeves etc. I think once she's sleeping through she'll cot train just fine.

Thanks @ladycarlotta I've found some time with dp that he can take baby and it'll just be me and ds twice a week :) I hope your dd calms down soon too!

I agree with @ladycarlotta that sometimes these phases just happen and you have to work through them as best you can. Saying "it's not like him" doesn't really apply to a child of this age - they're changing so much at the moment, it's perfectly normal for him to be behaving differently now to how he was a few months ago. Hang in there and it will get better!

Can you find ten minutes in the day to have uninterrupted 1-1 time with him? No baby, no dad, no phone, just doing whatever he wants to do with you. Name it special DS-Mummy time. Don't underestimate how having just that set amount of time each day can make them feel more secure and reassured in their connection to you, I've seen it work wonders with children of all ages.

I don’t know if it’s significant that you barely mention their other parent, but remembering the year our second child was born, we couldn’t have kept both happy without 100% effort from both parents.

Ahh couldn't read this and not reply - my daughter is exactly the same age, and we also had our second baby last Christmas, so a similar age gap.

I can't speak to the sleep issues (we have our own, distinct problems there but my DD also doesn't sleep through the night!), but the behaviour is something I totally recognise. Huge, emotional tantrums over almost nothing, demanding, whiny, answering back, and a recent new one: telling fibs. The baby role-play is almost constant at the moment. I think this is all pretty standard at this age - they're learning and changing so much, I think it just quickly gets overwhelming.

So please don't think this reflects on your child or on your parenting - it's just another season you're in. You sound like you're doing a brilliant job, don't doubt yourself.

@KitchenSupper makes a good point. It’s unavoidable that you have to feed baby, but can he have some quality time with his dad? Special morning out or treats etc?

I found four-ish a really hard age for two of my three DS’s. Was also co-sleeping with toddler and baby and that was ok. I did do love bombing type activities when things got tough and we managed to have a whole day just the two of us where he had my undivided attention and could choose what to do. I think it helped. Certainly made me feel like I’d done something and he enjoyed it. He’s a happy teenager now - feel like lots of these phases you just have to survive somehow.

Is that really fully balanced? You get a terrible nights sleep, every night, then have to get up and do a practically full time job? Sounds extremely hard work to me.

You say he loves the baby and in the same breath say he’s “not happy about her”. Which is it?

@OperaStation it works for us. He does love her very much, but he's struggling atm with the split attention I think.

Is nobody else curious about the oat milk comment? Is your boy lactose intolerant? Is that why you mention it?

Does it matter?!

@DeadbeatYoda Yes he's diagnosed cmpa and underweight, hence a very high fat diet. He still has milk at night I assume because he is hungry, he had feeding aversion until 2 years old and is one of those kids that would happily go all day without asking for food. He has been under paediatrician, dietician, dysphagia teams. The conclusion is he does not want to eat enough and food should be constantly available to him.

It's not the cosleeping, it's simply the transition to being a big brother and more time in nursery.

It will pass, just try to spend 15 mins at least each evening reading to just him, the big boy, without a baby attached. Also on weekends, try to do a small activity even if it's grocery shopping with him and no baby

@Worriedfords3
That's interesting. It just resonated with me because one of my babies needed a high calorie diet as it was costing him massive amounts of energy to process milk ( not an Intolerance thing though).
Are you able to rule out more dietary issues as the cause of his difficulties? Sometimes it can can such a long time for these things to surface and the child cannot articulate why they are feeling distressed.

@DeadbeatYoda The NHS is calling it feeding trauma, he was force fed milk until 6 months because they refused to believe he was 'that allergic'. He has no symptoms for any other allergens, and can tolerate about halfway up the dairy ladder now. Half his dad's family were cmpa as babies. I just didn't want people to think I'm a lunatic allowing an almost 4 year old milk overnight! He has a limited diet but it covers all food groups and he loves meat and carbs.

I'm not mad I swear (though it has felt that way with ds at times), the 8 month old is super easy, no allergies, no reflux, developing averagely, very good with solids!

How did it go with your baby?

He seems much calmer now we've had some dedicated time for just us today with him leading the play, so hopefully enough of that will help him feel secure.

oh, OP, you poor things, I really feel for you. Your little boy's early years can't have been easy for any of you. My daughter was CMPA and I'm eternally grateful that I had a GP who was educated on it and was the one who pushed it as a possibility and supported us. They are hard to find sometimes. Glad your new baby is doing well.