Ex and new gf trying to take DD from me

[Jduxhhx]

My ex and I broke up last year, we share a 3 yo DD.
we get in and coparented well until a few months ago when a new gf came on the scene and it has all broken down.
from the start she was trying to create problems between ex and myself, I tried very hard to keep things amicable but it's all come to a head and gotten quite nasty.

after a particularly bad weekend I suggested to ex a parenting contract, a simple document that stated pick up times, drop off times, contact days etc. all stuff we had verbally agreed but on paper for both of us.

he agreed so I drew up a simple document and sent it over to him. He had a "couple of amendments" he wanted to make, I was fine with that, told him to do that and send it back to me.

the document I got back was extreme and frankly has scared me. There are multiple instances in there where it says about being able to completely take custody's of DD with no contact for the other parent

there was nothing about cutting contact in my version. Since we broke up I have never threatened his contact or even suggested removing his contact, I've always tried to facilitate.

I have strong reason to believe ex didn't write the amendments and the gf did, for one it was not his style of writing. Also when questioned about some of the changes he seemed unaware of the change and wanted to turn it back to what I had originally.

im now scared to be alone with ex because one clause said that any allegation of verbal abuse and DD will be removed and go to the other parent u til such time it can go to family court. So all he would have to do is say I shouted at him and I would loose DD. I now won't be alone with him and insisting on a third party being present at all hangovers to protect myself from an allegation.

I wanted this document just as a bit of back up for us both but they've massively escalated it and I'm genuinely scared they're trying to take full custody of DD. I can't afford a solicitor and I am so anxious about this whole thing. Any advise would be appreciated.

Take the amended contract to a solicitor now. They will be able to give you the best advice

Thats quite worrying, I'd apply for mediation and get a consent order written up. I'd also be very concerned about them not giving the child back and consider potentially ensuring it is supervised access only until this is sorted.

Sorry just seen the affordability part. They offer free advice but you may have to go down the legal route. The courts will not look favourable on people pulling the kind of stunts they are

You can’t just write an informal contract that both sides haven’t agreed to and that become legally binding.

Anything like that can just be to agree dates, drop off times etc - it can’t say he can take DD if he alleges you shouted at him.

Just tell him you don’t agree to his amendments and go back to just agreeing dates etc.

Surely he won’t be desperate to go to court. But if you do, you won’t lose custody unless there are concerns about your parenting.

@Stressfordays that was one of my worries and why I wanted the contract drawn up in the first place in case they didn't give her back. So then I'd have it on paper she's at my house these days and his ok these days and it couldn't be disputed. But it's become something else entirely now

Why not just rewrite it as original with any reasonable adjustments included and send it back to him to sign?

Obvs leave out all the batshit bits.

As it stands it is simply ‘his’ proposal. Nothing in it has been agreed by you and you have the right to a rebuttal or to simply throw it away as it’s mad.

Did you agree to their terms or have you queried it with them? You have no choice but to go and get legal advice here.
They could be trying to paint you in a certain light.

No I haven't signed his version, I've said I'm "amending" it atm which is taking out all of the crazy stuff.
it's just got me so anxious because I thought that even tho our relationship had broken down on a personal level, I still respect he is DD's dad and I thought that went the other way around too but clearly not. I'm worried what they are planning

Solicitor asap and put in a clause where your ex can only have your dd when his gf is not around. She sounds like a controlling lunatic.

He can't decide this stuff unilaterally. All you do is say no and say you will either go back to just agreeing times with him via email/messenger (timed and dated) or you can arrange mediation to work out shared access agreement that covers Xmas, holidays, birthdays etc

My ex's new woman kept trying to demand access to ds (childless, weird and wanted to play mum) so I've dealt with this.

Stay calm & polite. Stay consistent in agreeing access but try to do it in written form, and keep everything.

@MintJulia how did you deal with the new gf? This isn't the first crazy stunt she's pulled and tbh I don't want her around my DD ever. But I don't think I can demand that, any time I have stated my concerns to me ex he's painted me as the jealous ex

Can you meet him in a cafe, show him the highlighted crazy bits, ask him if they can be removed and leave with an agreement that you'll email him the final version that you've both just agreed to.

Personally I don’t think a solicitor is warranted. A coparenting agreement is not a legal document. It is a guideline and a reference, but it is not legally binding.

To be honest I don’t think the agreement is the real issue here. As you’ve said you’re already doing, just return it with all the crap cut out and hopefully he’ll sign it.

It sounds like the real issue is the new gf trying to prove her mum credentials to your ex by massively overstepping her role. Sure it’s nice if an ex’s new partner is kind to your kids and takes an interest, but that’s it really.

I wouldn’t worry too much though. Undoubtably she’ll be pregnant soon then won’t want to know your kids anymore!

Is he on the BC?

Whatever you agree, be together when you both sign it and have it held by a third party. That way it can't be 'amended' without your agreement.

Or better still, go to mediation and agree things there.

If you can't afford solicitors or paid mediation, do you have a trusted mutual friend who could sit with the 2 of you while you draw up and agreement ?

You are not required to attend mediation with someone who is abusive.

Which your ex clearly is.

Contact Rights of Women and Women's Aid for more information.

You have offered something in terms of contact. He is deliberately trying to scare you and by the sounds of it it is working.

Exchange in a public place with CCTV for example a library or a railway station/supermarket lobby. That way he can never accuse you of anything.

Better still get a third party to do it.

I simply don't engage with her. She has no involvement and is irrelevant to parenting decisions. All communication is with my ex, good humoured, in writing - email or whatsapp - and we've managed to co -parent completely successfully for 11 years.

His new woman has, over the years, told DS he was turning vegetarian, he needed therapy, he had to have piano lessons, he had to be a page boy at a wedding, the list goes on. She sent him toys with sweets hidden in the packaging, and subscribed him to weird Christian magazines. Thankfully DS is now old enough to make his own decisions. When DS stays with his dad, she puts notes for me, in DS' dirty clothes when he comes home. I hand them to ex unopened.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. It sounds like your ex is sane & reasonable so just stick to calm cheerful co-parenting with him and act as if she doesn't exist.

And don't sign anything.

We did this and there was a lot of twoing and froing between each parent, because of ridiculous expectations. However we did it via a solicitor and it cost £1000 but it was well worth it. We eventually came to a good compromise and the solicitor offered some points we hadn't considered. It's not legally binding but it feels legal and if broken will then lead to mediation. Because we paid for it, it was our solicitor therefore it was written in full agreement of us and we could get rid of any ridiculous demands the other side had.

In the long term the arrangement has been stuck too and we haven't had to go to court.

What I find worrying about your version is that it's not just about contact time, but also lays out plans for abusive situations! That's crazy, to even plan they might happen and also if they do happen there are legal and criminal avenues that take precedent over any letter.

I really think you need to see a solicitor and still do the letter but do it through a professional. It will save you thousands in the long run.

I would be ringing him straight up and asking him what the hell this is?!

I would be saying exactly what you have said on here - that you’ve always facilitated contact and you’d never threaten him with reducing contact and that you are disgusted that he has said all of things things.

I would be telling him that since receiving this you are going to have a serious think about whether you want to go down the legal route instead and get a proper contract drawn up and he’ll have to get court ordered access.

I think you need to ring him and tell him how serious you’ve taken this.
This is not on and you need to nip it in the bud.

None of this is legally binding, it's utter nonsense. Were you married? Is he on the birth certificate as these are two things that will make a difference to this situation.

The GF is an irrelevance. She has no parental rights. My ex-h's girlfriend tried to get her name put into the consent order so she could have control over me and DS. Ex was laughed out of court.

You can self rep in court but there are organisations such as CAB, Rights of Women and Women's Aid, who can help you here.

Before it escalates to court I recommend mediation between you and your ex, not his girlfriend.

PP mentions it’s inappropriate where there’s domestic abuse but OP makes no mention of her relationship with ex being abusive, just this really weird escalation since the new partner has arrived, which wouldn’t mean mediation wouldn’t work if matters were civil beforehand. It’s preferable to diving into the acrimony of court proceedings.

Do not amend his document. Go back to your document and amend that to suit what he had discussed with you.
Make it clear what the parameters of the document are for.