Please help- school referred us to Early Help

[ashamedofmybehaviour]

This morning, I lost my temper and hit DS (9). He has told school and I was called in to see the Head today to discuss. As there is a previous incident on file of DD saying I had smacked her, it has been referred to "early Help" which I understand to be Childrens services. Does anyone know what will happen next?

@ashamedofmybehaviour
I truly think that without Early Help I would have had some kind of breakdown. She really did HELP. In our case it was parental abuse, which is actually quite common. Dd was out of control and due to many reasons I just couldn’t see it and thought it was all my fault. My support worker had my back, she was on my side. I can’t tell you how much she was key to me turning things around.
It was the best thing to happen to us.

That's really reassuring reading that.
How old was your child?

I know, bloody do-gooders intervening to stop child abuse! It’s a crying shame.

@purpleme12
She was about 15. She was wild and actually quite damaging.
We are through it now, but like all these things, it has left its mark.
Hope you are ok.

Thank you for all your messages. I am sorry for the delay in updating. Things have moved very very quickly so I thought I would update the thread in case its useful for anyone who ever has to go through similar.

Those of you who kindly suggested I am struggling or asking what I have in terms of RL support, the irony is I have the most supportive husband, flexible job and happy home and in summary no excuse whatsover, on paper. I would say 99% of the time I am that mum who is doing crafts, baking, reading with them, homework done on time and home-cooked meals. But on a few occasions when both have really, really played up (shouting in my face, hitting, messing about at bedtime for 2-3 hours) I have lost my rag and slapped them. I understand of course that this is terribly terribly wrong and that being a good mum 99% of the time will not outweigh the damage done. I can only explain it by saying I see red but I know that it is wrong.

Anyway, in summary, following the school's referral, the following happened very quickly:

• The next day someone rang (I think it was a social worker but may have been Early Help Practitioner (EHP) and spoke to me for a long time about what had happened and what support do we feel we need. She kept saying that the Early Help scheme is voluntary, however I personally felt that to decline our consent would raise questions
• That week, An EHP came out to the house to get me to sign forms to consent to the Early Help programme
• The following week the woman who is to be our case-worker rang to make an appointment for the following week to come out and see us.

She came out to see us today and I can honestly say it was the worst experience of my life. It was incredibly intrusive, patronising and generally felt she was very much looking for a problem to fix. Without having seen my son she was suggesting he may be autistic. We had to draw our family trees, naming all our relatives and it just felt incredibly intrusive. She used the words holistic approach about a thousand times and told me off because when she asked me about my mental health, unintentionally in my response I referenced the children. I'm sure most parents will identify with that sentiment that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child but she kept saying but what about your mental health. i really felt that she wanted me to say I suffer with something just so she could tick a box.

However, the intrusion is only going to get worse, as next week she will be going into school to talk to the children, and the week after she comes out to observe us in our home with the children and how we act as a family. I have no idea how this will even work as of course we cannot behave remotely naturally with a stranger watching our every word.

The whole thing is so bloody excruciting, made worse by the fact that I completely and totally brought it upon myself. The only good thing is that the whole bloody process has terrified me to the extent that I swear to God I will never, ever ever smack my children again. If anyone reading this has ever smacked their child I urge you to think twice as I cannot impress upon you the snowball effect it will have into your family life if they then tell school.

If you have to be terrified by SS to stop assaulting your children, then you are an asshole.

I suggest you engage fully with them, and seek anger management help. She was not looking for a problem, there is a problem. You assault your children.

I had Early Help due to multiple traumatic events that had happened in a short space of time, and struggling to get my middle child assessed for Autism - she had severely self harmed at school (primary age). Difference is, I wanted the help, I welcomed the intrusion, I wanted them to speak to my children individually without me, because I wanted DCs to be able to get whatever support they needed, that I can’t give, because I’m not a professional.

Sticking your head in the sand isn’t going to help any of you. And you need it most of all.

Nothing in your subsequent post justifies assaulting your child, in some ways it makes it worse.
Your family needs help and I am glad the school has done this. You also need to look at anger management.
If you were their Dad you would have been ripped to pieces on here

It sounds like you need urgent help yourself. Have you contacted your GP?

What have you done yourself to get help.

From your subsequent post I'd be really concerned for your children's welfare. How often were you slapping them? What strategies do you have in place to ensure that you don't do it again, or hurt them even more if they push your buttons.

I agree with PP, if this was a man people would suggest he moved out until he got help.

From your first post I assumed that there was zero premeditation in you hitting them. From the last post you're saying that you do actually have control over it which means you chose to hit your child and that the reason you're warning others off doing the same is to avoid SS involvement rather than because you recognise that it's wholly unacceptable.

It's so important at this point that you go through therapy. However your children are behaving, you have to find other ways to handle it.

In the kindest possible way, if you are seeing red and it’s making you behave in a way you can’t control and don’t want to behave then you have an issue with your mental health. If that behaviour is abusing your child then you need to seek help for it.

There have been times when I have struggled with my mental health and related and unrelated times when I have snapped at my with my children or not have given then the attention they needed at a particular moment but I have never hit them. Even though I have never hit them I’ve accepted that I was in the wrong and changed my behaviour.

The only good thing is that the whole bloody process has terrified me to the extent that I swear to God I will never, ever ever smack my children again. If anyone reading this has ever smached their child I urge you to think twice as I cannot impress upon you the snowball effect it will have into your family life if they then tell school

@ashamedofmybehaviour

I'm guessing you have no idea at all how you're coming across here.

You clearly have a long way to go before you attain self awareness.

Along the way, I suggest you ponder the snowball effect of slapping on your children.

I usually like to give OPs the benefit of the doubt, however, you seem ridiculously unaware of how wrong it is to slap your children.
The issue here isn't having early help intervention which you absolutely need to take on.
Every parent gets it wrong sometimes, especially when your overwhelmed and they're playing up but you need to learn to control your rages so it doesn't result in them being hit.
I was hit and slapped as a child and I've never forgotten the feeling of helplessness and humiliation. You need help before you damage your children.

You need to focus on the effect that slapping your DC has on your children, not the effect on you and your experience of family life. Physical abuse of children is associated with higher anxiety, mental health issues, lack of trust, increased aggression, anti-social behaviour and a whole host of other poorer outcomes for children. That is why they are so concerned... not because they are intent on victimising you.

You're going to be offered some help. Take it and do your best. They see you as a loving Mum who wants to parent well and can do so with help.

The amount of holier than thou people on here is shocking. A moment of weakness. Tell me you've never wanted to slap someone who's irritating you. You can't as you'd be lying.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. But you'll get support now atleast. If you had refused early help, they'd have probably reffered it up to a CiN plan. Don't listen to the people here who are calling you the devil. You're not. You are only human.

We all make mistakes.

Engage, listen, give them no reason to fault you further. Go to your GP and request an assessment of your mental health, if your GP is supportive and sees your side, have them draw up a letter. Even if you have to pay for it. Saying you are mentally fit. Remember they cannot discriminate against mental health conditions or psychiatric disorders under the equality act.

Just don't let them pin a risk to you. Shit sticks.

Furthermore, I'd log any official conversations and visits. Keep notes of what's going on and get her to sign them. If she refuses to sign, start audio recording. You are within your right to do so provided there are either signs up or you have explicitly told her I'd tell her at the start of the recording

Reviving an old post on purpose.

Any update OP?

Hi im just wondering do early help get involved for making contact arrangements between separated parents? I've had a letter come through this morning saying they've had an anonymous refferal regarding one of my children. I have 5 children and it doesn't say which child either but I've also not long had a family worker and the case was closed. So I'm wondering what it's all about?